Once in a while I tell secrets on my blog.
What the hell am I talking about? I have no secrets. I throw up every thought, feeling and experience like a kid on a roller coaster after gorging him or herself at The Golden Corral. You’re subjected to the constant diarrhea of my mental flow.
However, one time I did have a specific secrets post where I shared details about sunbathing nude on the rooftop of my former celebrity boss’ office and being called “carpetmuncher” as a child.
It’s been a few years since that post, so I’ve decided to add to the list:
-One time Jeremy Irons hit on me. At least I think he did. I’m assuming he thought I was someone else though. I was standing alone in the corner of a Toronto Film Festival party and he walked up, stuck out his hand and said, “Hiii, I’m Jerrrrrrremey” in his flirty English accent. Confused, I stuck out my hand quickly and said, “Hi, I’m Lauren” and then we stood there side-by-side in silence until I nervously walked away.
-I once stuck a whoopee cushion in my pants, against my bare ass, and sat down. My logic was that having it IN my underwear would make the whoopee cushion less assuming to the general public. When that whoopee cushion exploded due to the lack of breathing room against my bare ass, it unleashed one thousand tiny ninjas to smack my bare ass with tiny machetes.
- I don’t like Beasts of the Southern Wild. I think it’s an overrated, pretentious film that I almost barfed during (not because it’s bad-bad, but because the camera-work felt like riding on a merry-go-round as a drunken adult). There I said it!
-I’ve never had a bikini wax and I never intend to. The idea of someone putting their face near my vagina and then making it feel pain is not appealing to me.
- I eat cream cheese out of a tub with a spoon.
-I have frequent anxiety attacks. They’re not as bad as they used to be. When I was in my early-twenties, I used to hit my head or curl up into a ball and rock. I’m sure I looked awesome.
-I try not to compare myself to others, but once or twice a month I go down the rabbit hole and it puts me in a terrible mood for a few hours. This is typically after I looked at fashion blogs.
-I can never leave the house without driving away and then coming back to check that the door is locked. At night, when I’m home, I check that the door is locked 3-4 times.
-I saw a dead body in the middle of I-10 in Los Angeles; the person had jump from the overpass into the freeway.
-I’ve never stolen anything, but I once stuffed my purse with dozens of granola bars and candy from the craft services table on Californication while no one was looking.
-I love the people of Texas, but I hate the politics of Texas. I’m afraid for its future.
Share with me one of your secrets!