Remember Conan O’Brien’s “Secrets“? I vaguely do.
So much so that I eventually begin wishing that I’m as royally fucked up as the people who submit on there just so I can feel something.
So in honor of telling secrets, I’m sharing a butt load of them today. My Mom would say that having some secrets is a good thing, but I say, “Yeah, Mom and not taking your pants off during karaoke is a good thing, but sometimes you have to do it.”
-The anthem to my epic move from Los Angeles to Austin was “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon.
-My introduction to adolescent sexual yearning was via a B&W photo of a shirtless Elton John.
-I once received on the behalf of a celebrity I worked for, a very expensive bottle of vodka in a giant, sculpted block of ice. I immediately thawed the vodka out of the block of ice and drank a third of the bottle at 6PM on a Friday night at work. Within 20 minutes of drinking the vodka, I called everyone I knew crying, telling them that I’m sorry for all that is bad in the world, threw up something purple, and then fell asleep at my desk.
-I used to sunbathe nude on top of aforementioned actor’s office sunlight in West Hollywood when he wasn’t there. How I got away with this (or didn’t?), I’m not sure.
-My best male friend in middle school and I used to dress up as Elton John and RuPaul and create music videos all day. Guess which one was Elton and which one was RuPaul?
-I lost high school friends over making them reenact every episode of “The Kids in the Hall” I forced them to watch.
-I used to wear over-sized suits to middle school because I wanted to look like Dana Scully. I was never referred to as “Dana Scully” but more frequently as “dyke” and “carpetmuncher”.
-Sometimes I would sit at the window all day waiting for my father to come visit me. Every passing car that looked like his would make my heart skip a beat. Often he wouldn’t show up until the next day or next week or next month.
-Only on a few occasions has someone made me stop and really pay attention, and only one person has ever made me feel lost and completely found.
-I worry that I will become my mother, having not experienced love in over twenty years and being completely ok with it.
-I worry that I will become my father, constantly wandering and never feeling satisfied enough.
-I’m afraid I was born to live an average life.
….Wanna share yours?