Once in a while I tell secrets on my blog.
What the hell am I talking about? I have no secrets. I throw up every thought, feeling and experience like a kid on a roller coaster after gorging him or herself at The Golden Corral. You’re subjected to the constant diarrhea of my mental flow.
However, one time I did have a specific secrets post where I shared details about sunbathing nude on the rooftop of my former celebrity boss’ office and being called “carpetmuncher” as a child.
It’s been a few years since that post, so I’ve decided to add to the list:
-One time Jeremy Irons hit on me. At least I think he did. I’m assuming he thought I was someone else though. I was standing alone in the corner of a Toronto Film Festival party and he walked up, stuck out his hand and said, “Hiii, I’m Jerrrrrrremey” in his flirty English accent. Confused, I stuck out my hand quickly and said, “Hi, I’m Lauren” and then we stood there side-by-side in silence until I nervously walked away.
-I once stuck a whoopee cushion in my pants, against my bare ass, and sat down. My logic was that having it IN my underwear would make the whoopee cushion less assuming to the general public. When that whoopee cushion exploded due to the lack of breathing room against my bare ass, it unleashed one thousand tiny ninjas to smack my bare ass with tiny machetes.
– I don’t like Beasts of the Southern Wild. I think it’s an overrated, pretentious film that I almost barfed during (not because it’s bad-bad, but because the camera-work felt like riding on a merry-go-round as a drunken adult). There I said it!
-I’ve never had a bikini wax and I never intend to. The idea of someone putting their face near my vagina and then making it feel pain is not appealing to me.
– I eat cream cheese out of a tub with a spoon.
-I have frequent anxiety attacks. They’re not as bad as they used to be. When I was in my early-twenties, I used to hit my head or curl up into a ball and rock. I’m sure I looked awesome.
-I try not to compare myself to others, but once or twice a month I go down the rabbit hole and it puts me in a terrible mood for a few hours. This is typically after I looked at fashion blogs.
-I can never leave the house without driving away and then coming back to check that the door is locked. At night, when I’m home, I check that the door is locked 3-4 times.
-I saw a dead body in the middle of I-10 in Los Angeles; the person had jump from the overpass into the freeway.
-I’ve never stolen anything, but I once stuffed my purse with dozens of granola bars and candy from the craft services table on Californication while no one was looking.
-I love the people of Texas, but I hate the politics of Texas. I’m afraid for its future.
Share with me one of your secrets!
24 Comments
I steal hot sauce from restaurants . I know it’s wrong… and I actually do feel bad for doing so… but I do it anyway. I’m a terrible person.
Like whole bottles?
Ones that are almost empty… Like would only have a few more uses.
You’re hilarious.
That made my day!
I didn’t really love Beasts of the Southern Wild either… and thank you for that merry-go-round example. it’s just what I was looking for.
and duly noted on the whoopee cushion.
I like the film in theory. I think the execution was off and the story meandered.
I’ve also never had a bikini wax either. It seems painful and kinda personal. I know girls say it’s no big deal. But for me it’s way too personal.
I have also never stolen anything, at least not on purpose. I once accidently stole a pin/button from a store. I was looking at it and I dropped it. I looked all over the floor and couldn’t find it. I assumed it went under the table and left the store. I was trying on a shirt at another store when the button fell out of my top. It had fallen down my shirt!
Did you keep it? My mom did the same thing accidentally with a wallet.
Yes I did, because I was too embarrassed to go back to the store and it was worth like $2. BUT the karma got me because I eventually lost that button. It was pinned to my bag in university and fell off.
It is my life’s dream to find a dead body. Like, walking in the woods, trip on a hand sticking out of the ground style.
I’m pretty sure its my fate.
I accidentally stole a carebears watch from Wal*Mart. It got tucked up into the end of a rug I was buying. I was so embarrassed I did not go back to return it.
Did you watch a lot of Blue Velvet as a child?
Do you still have the watch?!
I cry every time I watch the Lorax. Every. Single. Time. Which is a lot with 3 kids. That’s not really a secret though. I’ve blabbed that to everyone, and f you watch it with me, you’ll see it.
I’ve never seen it! I don’t want to cry though!
-I often wear sunglasses indoors to hide my eyes from people when I’m depressed so I don’t get asked “are you ok?”. My eyes tell no lies so I hide them.
-My mind knows my late fiancé’s suicide wasn’t my fault, my heart still has difficulty believing it.
Oh noooo. Gosh, I’m so sorry.
I hate Star Wars. Don’t tell anyone.
I smoke weed before work every day, and it’s an office job where that definitely would be frowned upon, to put it mildly. It’s the only way I can deal with office personalities and the stress of 11 hour days
I actually have a big crush on Jeremy Irons! Hmm….. secrets! I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. The anxiety has gotten a lot worse in the last year – it’s almost crippling sometimes. When people ask why I don’t go to as many events anymore I say I’m just so darn busy, but really it’s because the idea of being in a crowd literally makes me want to hide in my closet. Yeah, and I sometimes I really do go hide in the back of my closet.
Haha I love this post. Once when walking to work in NYC I passed a homeless man sleeping across the stairs to a subway entrence. For a brief second, I was jealous of his ability to sleep amidst the hustle and bustle. It wasn’t until a few days later when I was reading the local Metro paper that I saw police had found a dead man in the same spot only moments after I had passed. Shudder. I think that was the moment I decided to move.
Also, I only use men’s deodorant and body wash. They smell better.
I steal teabags from the coffee shop I work in. Such a British thing to do,but the tea we buy at work tastes better than the stuff you get in supermarkets.
Totally agree about Texas! I never expected how much I’d love Texans…but wow. The politics.
I hate yoga. I think it’s pretentious and bs-ish…and yet I still go because I know it’s good for me. Don’t tell everyone. They’ll make me talk about my “intentions” as we listen to bad new age music. 😉
Jealous ! I was in love with Jeremy Irons at 14. (This comment doubles as a response and a secret.)
[…] few weeks ago, one of my favorite Austin bloggers told some of her secrets, and encouraged readers to do the same. She bravely shared personal […]