It feels like every day an article titled “20 signs that you hate your job!” pops up in my inbox or social media feed.
With 70% of Americans disengaged from their work, it comes as no surprise that these type of articles appear with frequency.
I hated doing the 9 to 5 monkey dance and that is why I left it. It’s been two years since I worked in a conventional office setting and I haven’t looked back (she says while slurping the last drop of her Top Ramen).
Unless you work for a company like Google or a similar company that encourages work-life balance and creativity, “working for the man” can feel soul-sucking and pointless.
It took most of my twenties to realize that I was disillusioned working for people who didn’t care as much for me as I did for them. Here is a story about the height of my dismay, but was in too much denial at the time to recognize it.
I’ve never shared this story publicly before.
I used to work at a celebrity-owned production company. Very few people worked at the company, so I was often at the office alone. One day the front door buzzer rings and a man with an English accent appears on the other line.
“Is Mr. Celebrity there?”
“Nope.” (the answer was always “nope” even if the celebrity was there.)
“Well, I’m from Fancy Brand Name Alcohol and we would like to deliver an exclusive bottle of our new Rich Person’s Vodka to him.”
Working for celebrities means you learn how to sniff out the weirdos, but I peeked out the window to see a dude in a fancy butler outfit with a giant block of sculpted ice and figured he was legit. Brands love giving really expensive shit to celebrities for free.
I let him in and he did his entire presentation to me as if I was Mr. Celebrity.
Once he left, I quickly grabbed the big chunk of sculpted ice and ran it under hot water to uncover the rich person’s magic-ness underneath. It was a beautiful bottle of $100+ vodka in a sleek silver bottle. It was 6PM on a Friday evening, I was bored, hated my job and figured that one or two shots would cushion the ending of a tough work week.
Well, the thing about rich person’s liquor is that it is strong. That is why celebrities always seem weird- they’re usually drunk.
Luckily, I lived directly across the street from the office. I locked up and walked home- which took about 30 minutes. Once I got home, I promptly called my parents, all my friends in LA, and all my friends outside of LA to apologize for my current state. Then I puked up something purple and went to sleep. Needless to say, I did not have a hangover the next day due to the quality of the vodka.
And this is why I left Hollywood so I would never become a bitter alcoholic. The end.
Here are other signs that you may hate your job:
1.) You put Baileys in your morning coffee.
2.) You nap in your car, under your desk or on your boss’ couch when no one is around.
3.) You think that everyone in upper management is a Republican and part of “America’s current problem”.
4.) You have a framed photo of Milton from Office Space next to your computer.
5.) After a long day at work, you come home only to realize that you’ve become your father- even if you’re a woman.
6.) You’re thinking about “going back to school” because school is a lot easier than life, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!
7.) You finish the entire bottle of Baileys by 2PM.
8.) You start smoking just so you can leave the office.
9.) You start doing meth just so you can go to an island far, far away and hang with Toucan Sam instead of being at the office.
10.) You call your parents or loved ones crying A LOT- even when you’re not drunk.
11.) You have to run an errand, which is code term for going out to buy another bottle of Bailey’s.
12.) When a co-worker comes to talk to you, the first audible noise out of your mouth is a grunt.
13.) You become hyper-focused on the thought that your non-ergonomically correct chair is trying to kill you.
14.) You develop a weird eye twitch due to the florescent lighting. Or from the computer screen. You’re not sure which- there is so much brightness!
15.) Before the end of the day, you down the second bottle of Baileys.
16.) You start a blog.
17.) You masturbate in your single-stall bathroom. You might masturbate in your multiple-stall bathroom too, but you’re taking a huge risk of being slapped with a weirdo lawsuit.
18.) You deems Friday as “No Pants Day”.
19.) You develop a game where you stare at your co-workers for as long as possible without blinking, but you don’t tell them about the game.
20.) You forgot that you stashed a secret bottle of Bailey’s in your drawer and figure with nothing else to lose, drinking a third bottle of Baileys will make you invincible when you go to slap your boss’ ass with a stack of weekend paperwork.