How to Boost Your Blog Traffic: Have a Baby



If you’re a blogger, you know how hard it can be to make your site stand out in the sea of personal blogs.

Well, after years of research spent on the subject of blogging, I’ve finally discovered the secret to making your blog both popular and successful.

Have a baby.

From my calculations, having a baby is proven to increase your blog traffic by 200%-1000%.

If you’re hoping to break free from the pain of obscurity, follow these easy steps and watch your site, and stomach, grow:

1.) Have sex with someone: Your spouse, partner, friend or a turkey baster with the $20 sperm of the young, cute guy who works at Urban Outfitters. Sure he’s 19 years old, but you know you two will most likely create a child that looks like Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.

2.) Once pregnancy is confirmed, announce it on your blog. There are only two ways to do this:
2a.) Take a photo of your shoes, your partner’s shoes (if he/she is part of the story you are creating) and baby shoes. You can buy baby shoes for cheap, or you can steal them. Babies can’t rat on you.
2b.) Take a photo of your super pissed off dog staring sideways at a pair of tiny person shoes/tiny person clothing/chalkboard that says “I’m going to be a big brother/sister.” Remind your dog that you aren’t putting him/her down.

3.) Chronicle your adventures throughout pregnancy. Include:
3a.) A new tab on your blog called “Healthy Eating” and share all the gluten-free and dairy-free recipes you’ve just crash coursed in.
3b.) Every month, take beautiful silhouette photos of you holding your belly. Since your partner can’t be trusted with taking Instagram-worthy photos, set up a tripod and take yourself.

4.) At this point, you will probably see a 100% increase in blog traffic. Consider adding advertisements to your blog.

5.) Have the baby. Make sure a professional photographer is there to capture it BECAUSE YOUR DAMN PARTNER CAN’T BE TRUSTED WITH THE CAMERA. No matter how many times you ask him/her to not shoot from a low angle, he/she will do it. How do they not understand?!

6.) After you’ve given birth, your instinct will be to stop writing and spend time away from the computer, but you are wrong. You can’t stop. Ever.

7.) Make sure that your baby has an ass-ton of headbands. Even if it’s a boy. Everyone loves headbands.

8.) Research what parenting style is most in right now, and write tutorials on it.

9.) This is the point when you need to add a “Giveaway” tab to your upper navigation bar. With all your growing popularity, diaper, baby food and baby clothing brands will be flooding your inbox. Don’t fight it- there’s a lot of free shit to be had in this world.

10.) From here on out, your child can ONLY be photographed with a sunbeam shining on it. Preferably in front of a white wall. Make sure your child is wearing some sort of solid linen. Make sure it’s laughing. Your child can NEVER be photographed not laughing.

11.) At this point you should see a 500% increase in blog traffic, if not, it’s time to get pregnant again.

12.) Repeat steps 1-10.




Disclaimer: Momma bloggers, I love you.

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  • Reply rooth June 25, 2015 at 11:42 am

    I had a thought-out comment I was going to write except I keep getting freaked out by the fake baby with lash extensions wearing a Frozen shirt

    • Reply hipstercrite June 25, 2015 at 11:44 am

      That baby is labeled as a “realistic baby” that you can buy on Amazon! Woohoo!

      • Reply rooth June 25, 2015 at 1:43 pm

        Think it’ll fool my mother?

    • Reply Alicia Eastes July 16, 2015 at 10:29 am

      This has done it for me. Hipstercrite, you’ve inspired me. I want to create a blog and take advantage of my opportunity to dominate the blogosphere during my reproductive phase in life. I hope you get my snarky sarcasm here… I do want to create a blog, for many reasons, including most notably your encouragement and strong example, but not really because of the baby thing. Although, it is a great recommendation… Here’s to Step 1!

  • Reply How to get Traffic for your Articles and your Blog. | samstalveyblog July 2, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    […] How to Boost Your Blog Traffic: Have a Baby – Hipstercrite […]

  • Reply BK July 8, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Have a baby or get cancer

  • Reply CJ July 9, 2015 at 12:24 am

    Hilarious and perfect. Can we also add step; “When viewership drops on non-baby posts, simply post more baby pics. That’ll fix it.” God, this made me so glad I’m not in the blogging community anymore. I used to web design for ‘mom blogs’ and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a top-nav featuring ‘the bump’ pages. #cryingonmykeyboard

  • Reply Carrie July 9, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    This post is AMAZING! Mainly because it’s soooo true! haha 🙂 I can’t tell you how many blogging communities I feel left out of because I’m not a mom (and don’t plan to rectify the situation with a turkey baster) 😉

  • Reply Kate Mac July 9, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    You forgot an important detail. When talking about the bump, it must have an endearing nickname, like Sprout or Bean or Nugget,because you will not be divulging the name until it has emerged. If you’re feeling particularly generous, you may reveal the gender and then refer to it as Baby “last initial.” or go crazy and reveal the first initial of the first name.
    Then once it is born, you must use a cutesy and unique nickname to refer to the child with At All Times. Do not reveal child’s name. Big brother will always be Musketeer. Little brother will always be Short Stack. Because privacy is totes important.

  • Reply Lo @ Travel the Unbeaten Path July 11, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    Hahah hilarious and totes true. 😉

  • Reply JoJo July 13, 2015 at 11:44 am

    I think this is the best thing I have ever read.

    I love white walls, linen, chevron, mason jars, ballet barre, fedoras, and photos in front of barn or garage doors.

    In fact, I am going to pin some linen kids outfits stat.

  • Reply Liz July 13, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    Haaaaaa. I’ve thought all of these things about some of the blogs I follow: once the lady who runs the blog has a baby, regardless of what the blog theme/content was pre-baby, the blog ALWAYS becomes a mom blog post-baby. Always. I would pop one out just to up my blog traffic, but I’m not having kids for all the reasons stated in your survey. And ups to Kate Mac for remembering the cutesy fetal naming: nugget, peanut, inchworm, etc. Ooh, and there needs to be a whole page dedicated to breastfeeding and the like. Breastfeeding is totes en vogue now.

  • Reply Rich C July 13, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    I found your site recently due to your Tiny House post. I don’t have one of those, but I do live in an Airstream and I’ve blogged about it for years. And this post applies to what we’ve seen over the past few years. The latest travel blogs and RV’ing blogs are now all about raising families on the road, travel with your toddlers, etc. We’ve felt so out of the loop lately on what is in that we’ve joked about borrowing friend’s kids and adding them to our site…..

  • Reply Barbara July 14, 2015 at 11:35 am

    This made me laugh so hard. Thank you, I need that!

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