Fashion/Design

Dear People Who Live in Fancy Tiny Houses

CI-TINY-the-movie-home-exterior_s4x3.jpg.rend.hgtvcom.1280.960source- Tiny: A Story About Living Small

Dear People Who Live in Fancy Tiny Houses,

Do you actually love living in a fancy tiny house*?

You look so freakin’ happy in that Dwell Magazine article or Buzzfeed post, but c’mon, you can’t tell me that you don’t lie awake at night, your face four inches from the ceiling because the only place your bed fits is above the kitchen sink which also acts as your shower, and think, I’ve made a terrible mistake.

e549831c0e5893bd84c0b897335eaf2f-1source- TreeHugger

Look, I’m not criticizing you. I commend you for making this giant leap. Since we humans seem comfortable with pillaging Mother Earth of all her resources, I believe more people should think like you. But 250 square feet? What the hell happens when your tiny house partner farts Mexican food farts, huh? Where do you escape to? Nowhere. You have nowhere to run. All you can do is walk three feet to the other end of the house and pray.

Or maybe you can run out into the tiny forest surrounding your tiny house.

I f’ing love the idea of downsizing and living a “simple life,” but seriously, where do you put your shit? You still have some clothing and shoes and towels and all that jazz, right? Or do you just wear overalls now? Overalls and Birkenstocks and one towel that you share with your entire family. Where do you wash that towel, hmm? Do you have a tiny river that runs behind your tiny house? I bet you do. I bet your whole Goddamn property is whimsical.

And I know your house isn’t that clean all of the time. In your pictures, it looks like you only own a tiny sofa, several throw blankets & pillow, one cooking pan, one antique book and one framed photo of you laughing in front of your tiny house.

a01f237717067ee2bc03af6c326ac4c2source- FYI.TV

Hey. Do you have privacy in your tiny house?

God damn, I have so many questions.

What if you’re having a shitty day and you just want to be alone? You can’t be alone, right? Because your partner or children are sitting two to ten feet away from you at all times. Don’t you feel like a rat trapped in a cage? Don’t you ever want to turn toward your lover or spawn and shout, “Get out! Get out of my tiny house!”

What about sexy time, huh? There is no f’ing way your kids aren’t hearing that shit. If you’re boinking four feet from your offspring, they might grow up to hate tiny things and end up building a McMansion with ten empty bedrooms just to spite you. Each bedroom will represent their years of loss innocence.

And your poor teenage children. What happens if they need sexy time? They go through puberty. They need the sex.
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SEXY TIME?!?

Some of you tiny house dwellers don’t even have beds! WHERE IS THE BED?!

CI-LeedCabins-container-home-interior_s4x3.jpg.rend.hgtvcom.1280.960

Even that dog is like, “Where the fuck is the bed, guys?”

What about guests? Where do you put your guests? Can friends and family even visit you? Do you have friends and family? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT! Are people now afraid of you?

“Honey, want to go visit Petal & Ralph out in their 250-square-foot house this weekend?” 

“Are you shitting me? That place smells like a hot box of Mexican food farts.” 

Guys, you know when the zombie apocalypse comes you’re going to be the first to go, right? Four zombies could pick up and shake your tiny house like a Smart Car. Your bodies will be flinging out the windows like hornets shaken from a nest. You’re only going to have that one cooking pan and farts to save yourself.

Be honest: You just want to live out your life like a Wes Anderson character, don’t you? You want to be some eccentric full of whimsy who doesn’t need modern tools or resources to live a fulfilling life. Well, good for you and your small abode. I hope you’re happy and that all my questions and concerns are just the ramblings of a jealous woman who wants a tiny house of her own.

All the best,

Lauren

*This post is half in jest. I actually do commend people who can live this life, but I am curious if it’s all peaches and cream like the swanky design magazines suggest. I do believe that overpopulation of the Earth is a problem, so downsizing seems like a great option. I also think these tiny houses are a great dwelling alternative for homeless individuals.  

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399 Comments

  • Reply Jennifer May 22, 2015 at 11:35 am

    This is great, I wonder the same things. Love my 650 sq ft apt but no desire to go smaller . An acquaintance is bldg a tiny house this summer, can’t wait to see how it works for her.

    • Reply hipstercrite May 27, 2015 at 9:05 pm

      I grew up in a 950-square-foot house with three people, and I’ve mostly lived in smaller my entire life. I like small too, but I don’t think I could do below 500.

      • Reply Kate Conroy July 9, 2015 at 12:07 am

        Why “Mexican food farts?”

        • Reply hunter July 9, 2015 at 1:13 pm

          why not?

        • Reply Hexxuss August 23, 2015 at 12:55 am

          Have you ever smelled Mexican food farts? I dare say not much else compares (and that’s not a good thing…)

          • Philly Bob March 9, 2016 at 4:02 pm

            Beer & Egg farts are worse…

        • Reply William Burke July 5, 2016 at 12:09 am

          Because Mexican food.

        • Reply eddie April 4, 2017 at 10:00 am

          ok then

      • Reply Gypsy SnickerDoodle January 2, 2016 at 4:16 am

        I love it.
        Suspecting that you’d live this, too:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLrx_QSd44E

        The point they talk about cramming their whole Family into the campers every night, Mum & Dad having sex & the One Rule (‘wash your asshole’) will have all of you in stitches.

        Spread Love,
        Gypsy

      • Reply Matteo Lamberto October 27, 2017 at 12:56 am

        “2-flats are where it’s at!” That’s my personal slogan. I own a 2-flat…live upstairs (so I don’t hear the other tenant)…collect rent for the downstairs unit. Not a huge place – Kitchen, Bathroom, Living Room/Dining Room and 2 bedrooms – but plenty for 2 adults and maybe 1-2 small kiddos. Basement allows for plenty of storage and shared laundry facility and 2 families only take up the footprint of a typical single-family home. Increase the 2-flats and reduce the footprint plus allow for a new home-owner to increase their income with rent 🙂

    • Reply Juristic Person June 12, 2015 at 8:21 pm

      Lauren,

      You’re an idiot. You can’t sit there mocking, berating and belittling people who choose a lifestyle that you aren’t capable of and then put a little disclaimer at the end that you’re just…sort of….kidding. You are just a typical half brained, liberal consumer who has no idea what being self sufficient and living a simple life is all about…so you mock it from the privacy of your own little debt prison. Most people who choose the tiny house lifestyle are conservative or libertarian minded individuals who pay cash up front, have no debt and have a real connection to nature and the world around them. They value privacy, self reliance and liberty. They dont need space for their “stuff” because the accumulation of stuff is not what is important in life. And they don’t want to be bothered, nor do they care to explain their life choices and decisions to the likes of a self-centered snob like you.

      • Reply hipstercrite June 12, 2015 at 11:07 pm

        I’m curious? How large is your house?

        P.S. I don’t have any debt and I don’t use credit cards.

        • Reply Moonshadow July 8, 2015 at 1:57 am

          JURISTIC PERSON, where do you get your stats? The majority of people I know that are building and living in tiny homes are liberal/green party types. I know of NO conservatives that are willing to give up their big homes, big trucks and consumer lifestyle to do what it takes to live in a tiny home.

          • Sue July 10, 2015 at 7:33 am

            I love watching those tiny house shows, and thanking all the gods/goddesses that I’m not also sleeping in a packing crate, and pooping in a sandbox – I mean composting toilet. I’m so impressed with their brilliant use of space, storage solutions, and efficient resource conservation, though! You go, tiny house people! Preferably downwind.

          • ron leonard July 21, 2015 at 12:14 am

            I love the idea, and I am a iddle class white guy, retired with a couple hundred k in the bank. My House is only 16x 40 but was 16 x 20 for years and i love it. Its not on wheels but is on a little lake in Alaska very far from any liberal pukes.

          • J K November 13, 2015 at 3:07 pm

            The title of “conservative” isn’t a political standpoint… think outside your cube. Conservative means to hold traditional viewpoints and are cautious of big change. So then what is your “traditional” ?…. Liberal means open to new behavior and ideas… even if those ideas are stupid. The freedom to make a poor choice of direction, and then to take that step back and rethink that choice. The mass majority of people don’t do anything extra-ordinary for their future in the traditional sense.. so while the “Liberal Arts” is forced down your throat to make it seem like we need some complicated politically correct society; the conservative “traditional” viewed people, and libertarians (advocates of free will) are making their choice not to be a part of the fame chasing and money grubbing lifestyles.. I live in a small home, and it’s all that’s needed to survive and thrive.. the houses we go into debt for, trap us into yet another cube. So de-program yourself to be acceptant of other peoples choices, and then you will be establishing “libertarian” ideology..

            To the generations long past, this future of materialism and consumerism would be such as if hell spilled over into life. Living close quarters and sustainable was, in part, why the Great Depression of the 30’s didn’t kill everyone and their mothers in the America’s. 90% of the population were self sustained with farms and small living arrangements… now we stand on the brink of economic collapse similar to the 20’s, and less than 5% of you are self reliant and sustainable. Good luck when Costco and Wal-Mart and Wal-Greens have no goods for sale. People won’t have time to regret not living sustainably, because chaos will have settled on the continent.

          • Nana84 February 9, 2016 at 5:05 pm

            I am conservative and we, my husband and I, live in a 280 sq. foot home. Grew up in a two bedroom house with 12 siblings and 2 parents. You learn what is necessary to have and what is luxury. We have a bedroom, bathroom, combination kitchen/living room.

          • Dawn Creason May 16, 2016 at 9:56 am

            I’m a conservative and we live in an 800 sq ft house. Downsized from 1800 because all the wasted space seemed silly to pay for. We also have a motorcycle and tiny car (no big SUVs) and live very modestly by choice. We’re saving for the future when our children get older. Not all conservatives are the same. Some of us are just nice quiet people that love our little country homes.

        • Reply Skeptic July 8, 2015 at 3:25 pm

          I’m curious. Where do you get your statistical information about tiny house dwellers? Also: didn’t your mother teach you that it isn’t polite to call people names?

          • William Burke July 5, 2016 at 12:13 am

            Tiny car? One of those clown cars like from the circus? I once saw like 27 clowns crawl out of one!

            Do you have any room for clowns?

        • Reply Anne July 8, 2015 at 6:44 pm

          This is hilarious satire. Have you ever read “Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town” wherein beloved Canadian author Stephen Leacock tears the fake residents of Mariposa new ones over and over again? The thing is, he was from a small town. He loved these fools, dammit! For he was a fool himself, hailing from the smallest town of Orillia, Ontario. Lauren is following a long line of satirists and I think she did a great job:)

          • Michael Yonchenko July 11, 2015 at 12:07 pm

            I don’t think that this is at all satirical, hip, cool, or very interesting. The topic of how one lives comfortably in a tiny house can be rich and interesting. It is also ripe for satire if perhaps a grown-up satirist like Ian Frazier were to write about it. This just hipster drivel by yet another self-congratulating millennial. Somebody please take her magic tablet away from her. And before any of you whine, “Can you do better?”, the answer is, “Yes, easily”, but I need to be paid.

        • Reply Kerry July 11, 2015 at 11:20 am

          Don’t know where you get your stats on tiny house dwellers Juristic, you forgot a sense of humour is integral when yu live mall. We’re a family of 5 (2 left the nest already) pinko socialists in a 512sq ft home and I thought this was HILARIOUS – Especially when I read this while nursing a goosebump on my head because I’d spent 45 minutes lying in the attic over our kitchen with a beam 4 inches from my nose trying to convince myself it could be a bedroom for our teen (my kids have bedstees with curtains in the bumped out attic- our bed folds out in the living space below). And we really do have the tiny forest – backs onto big forest, tiny river- feeds into big river, and tiny lake (okay we do refer to it as a pond) just outside our door. We’ve had a few major WHAT HAVE WE DONE????? moments. My partner claims his farts don’t stink, but you missed the biggest problem n a very small house with a lot of people isn’t the people – its the kitty litter box.

          • Bren January 3, 2016 at 2:05 pm

            LOL. Didn’t even think of the litter box.Yeah, I’d say that could be a “lingering problem”, hahaha

        • Reply Alicia Eastes July 16, 2015 at 10:15 am

          GOOD GIRL! Fist bump. The Juristic Person is very angry and I don’t think it has much to do with your hilarious blog entry about tiny houses.

        • Reply Joanne July 30, 2015 at 4:58 pm

          I lived in 250 sqft for two years with my husband and two boys while I recovered from cancer treatment. God that was easy in every way, from cleaning, to keeping a good eye on the kids, to just feeling connected and unbound to anything accept what we felt like doing. Financially we saved 40k and looking at another 20k when we sell the place. We’ve recently moved closer to my son’s school now that Ive fully recovered. We now live in 840 sqft and I wouldnt want a foot larger. Sexy time? Anyone with kids knows that when those kids are asleep, they’re asleep – and again anyone with kids knows even in a mansion you’re still not going to have crazy uninhibited hang from the rafters sex when you’re under the same roof with those little turkeys