20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

Quit Squeezing Your Boobies: A Lesson In Managing Anxiety


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My anxieties are reaching an all-time high lately, I thought as my doctor scolded me for touching my boobies too much.

“Quit squeezing your boobs!” is what she said, actually.

I had scrambled to the doctors after I became convinced that one boob was firmer than the other, thus meaning that a giant tumor was taking over the right side of my body. In fact, I’ve been having muscle issues on my entire right side for months now, and instead of being logical about it (the right side of my body is my mouse hand and I spend over 4-8 consecutive hours on my computer a day), I constantly dwell on the idea that I have side cancer.

I’ll refrain from getting into details on my boob-squeezing obsession, but I will say this: boob-squeezing is a slippery slope. If you think there is something wrong with your boobs and you constantly squeeze your boobs to see if something is wrong, then your boobs are going to hurt and then you’ll REALLY think something is wrong with them.

*Side note: My title and story is not a call for women to stop checking their boobs on a regular basis. PLEASE, check your boobies- just don’t obsessively squeeze and hurt them.

This marathon to the docs also coincided with an alcohol-fueled flight home from New York, where I spent over $30 on airport and airplane booze to help calm my nerves. Either my anxiety is powerful enough to make me constantly sober or the airport bartenders put a thimble of alcohol in their drinks, for I still spent the entire flight home to Austin sweating, rocking and staring blankly at the kind passenger who tried talking me down from my fears. Luckily he was Jewish so he understood where I was coming from.

A lesson about airport alcohol: Chili’s Too is not a good place to get loaded pre-flight. Their $10+ margaritas are not only expensive, but have the same ingredients as the children’s summer coolers. In fact, Chili’s Too is a place to stay away from all-together.

I’ve also developed a fun tic where I watch people while they sleep to make sure they’re still breathing.

A part of me wants to desperately ask strangers if they’re carrying Xanax on them and if so, to please hand it over before I begin patting them down, but another part of me knows that life doesn’t get any easier and that I’ll need to overcome my anxieties one day. The third part of me wants to give up on everything and move to the beach, where I’ll drink non-Chili’s Too margaritas for the rest of my life.

As I turn 30 next week and CONTINUE OBSESSING OVER OUR MORTALITY, I promised myself to develop a non-Xanax centered regime to help with my anxieties:

1.) Do yoga every day

2.) Meditate

3.) Write about your fears

4.) Talk about your fears with others

5.) Find religion

6.) When you become anxious over the fact that you can neither do yoga or meditate in a way that seems helpful, begin believing that something is physically and mentally wrong with you; go to wine & cheese night at Whole Foods.

7.) When writing and talking about your fears only makes you more anxious, invite friends to a bar and resort to discussing your minimal knowledge on light things like Kim Kardashian and soup.

8.) When finding religion proves difficult, sit in your house alone with a bottle of vodka and initiate conversations with “God” a.k.a. the tiny spider that found it’s way into the house and is currently sitting on your knee.


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  • Reply Mad Betty June 6, 2013 at 10:39 am

    A spider touching you doesn’t give you anxiety?! You are better off than you think.

    • Reply hipstercrite June 6, 2013 at 4:48 pm

      Spiders don’t bug me for some reason. I would take fear of spiders over fear of flying any day!

  • Reply Amy June 6, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    “I’ve also developed a fun tic where I watch people while they sleep to make sure they’re still breathing.”

    Dude, we seriously need to get together and form a support group. Happy to talk about soup and/or various Kardashians at said group, for you and I are cut of the same cloth, my friend. And ps: 30+ is a breeze. It’s only the ramp-up that’s terrifying. (Take it from someone on the other side… it’s totally about to stop mattering.) 🙂

    • Reply hipstercrite June 6, 2013 at 4:49 pm

      Oh, good! I’m glad to hear that! I’m so afraid this anxiety will progress and I’ll eventually become a hermit. See you next Tuesday?

      • Reply Amy June 6, 2013 at 10:49 pm

        DID YOU JUST CALL ME A… just kidding. Yep, I’ll be there. Psyched to finally meet you!

        • Reply Tolly June 7, 2013 at 3:46 pm

          Totally inviting myself to this little meetup!!!! 🙂

  • Reply Cathy Benavides June 6, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Last Saturday, my friend Kate died. She was 27 years old and had been fighting cancer since she was 18. There are no words to describe the sadness and the rage that I have felt since she passed. But I can tell you what I have learned. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how much you worry, how much you stress, how much you obsess or plan or check. Because life is going to happen, both the good and the bad. And if you lose even one precious second of experiencing your life and cherishing the ups and the downs and being with the ones you love because of worries and fears, you are only hurting yourself. Each second is something that you can never get back, and should be embraced and held dear.

    I am so not trying to be cliche or preachy. This is truly what has helped me let go of all my stupid worries in the last week (not that I’m calling you stupid!). Today is all we have and tomorrow is promised to no one. If you want to have something tangible to worry about, worry that you are taking up precious time and energy that should be spent loving and living.

    I love you lots girl, and if there is anything I can do to help with your struggles, I am here. And no, that’s not an empty promise. Just reach out, and I’m there for you.

    • Reply hipstercrite June 6, 2013 at 4:50 pm

      Cathy, I was so sorry to read about your friend. I didn’t know her but from your status and many others, she sounded like an incredible woman. You are a very wise woman. I could learn from you…

    • Reply Leigh Ann June 6, 2013 at 6:22 pm

      Cathy, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      • Reply Cathy Benavides June 7, 2013 at 1:23 am

        Thank you both. She was pretty much the most amazing and inspirational woman ever.

  • Reply Michelle @ Mishfish13 June 6, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Haha, considering Chilis-Too modeled their name after LImited-Too, I would imagine their margaritas similar to kids coolers.

    • Reply hipstercrite June 6, 2013 at 4:50 pm


  • Reply Leigh Ann June 6, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    Sometimes *I* think there’s something wrong with me because I really don’t have any anxiety. How ficked up is that? I assume everything will be fine. Twins 9 weeks early and in the NICU? They’ll be fine. Mom had a heart attack and is having a triple bypass? She’ll be fine. IT WILL ALL BE FINE.

    • Reply Cathy Benavides June 7, 2013 at 1:21 am

      Teach your ways zen master!!

      • Reply Leigh Ann June 7, 2013 at 9:38 am

        Ha! It just means I’m going to get a serious blow one of these days when something is indeed NOT going to be fine.

  • Reply Leah Shadwick June 6, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I love how honest you are about feeling so anxious. So many people suffer and it’s just a good convo to have. I remember feeling very similar when I used to travel by plane. That dreadful feeling that I absolutely needed at least 2 glasses of red wine and 1 xanax, just to be able make it to my destination! I’m from NYC and I used to be plagued with so much anxiety from my environment, baggage, LIFE, etc. While living in NY I discovered acupuncture and it LITERALLY changed my life. So much so that I decided to study it and become an acupuncturist. I’m much more calm and collected these days and when I do have anxious moments, I know how to handle it better. Have you ever tried acupuncture for anxiety? It’s definitely not a quick fix but it does help!

  • Reply Jeff June 8, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Definitely meditate…Does wonders. I do at least 20 minutes a day. Just stare at a wall and focus on my breath, let thoughts pass through that do.

    People say working out is the same as meditation, and yoga might be close…But it’s not really the same. Nothing makes you more present or calm.

  • Reply rick June 9, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Anxiety,no problem, l just take a relaxing stroll down the hipstercrite pier and all my self inflicted stress just evaporates,oh yea baby , if
    the hipstercrite pier stroll doesnt releive all my stress I usally get
    My pic took standing under the hipstercrite pier, love it, feel like
    Im the dabomb then, haha,then I usually just take a hike, just kidding,
    with all anxiety and stress gone i watch a good movie like pretty
    Woman, nothing stressful like girl got gun, too much viloence for
    me, well thats how I releive my stress, hope that info can help
    Somebody out there.PS, ms.Crete charges a dollar to go out on the
    pier , helps refray pier maintainance cost, you understand, two
    big thumbs up for ms.hipstercrite, she is the dabomb, not me, haha,
    She is so, so cute and smart, enough said.rick
    So so

    She so cute.

  • Reply riick June 9, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Hope the crete publishes my stress releiving note for the good of all people, just saying, hipstercrete is the no 1 blogger on this planet.
    Haha, big fan tick.

  • Reply Christine H June 14, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    If it makes you feel any better (in the misery loves company sense) I was up until 2am on WebMD last Thrusday. By 3AM I was convinced I had cancer. Fortunately, I had a friend who talked me down and convinced me to get to sleep. So I would add, sleep, and blocking WebMD from your phone to the list of successful living habits. I also have found yoga to be incredibly helpful in that it is the only 90 minutes where I focus completely on myself. I totally understand where you are coming from on this one. I never thought of myself as an anxious person until two different boyfriends and my friend mentioned that they would define me as an “anxious person.” I don’t really like being view that way, but with a lot of help from friends I am beginning to accept that is just the way I am.

    • Reply hipstercrite June 17, 2013 at 12:36 pm

      That’s why I’ve always adored you- you and I think alike! Let’s embrace our anxieties!!!

  • Reply rick July 8, 2013 at 5:47 am

    Hipstercrite,she loves her gun and her pier, not exactly
    In that order, right!Because of her photogenic beauty
    And her huge legion of fans , which i am one of ,she can
    And does get away with a lot of off the wall writing, like
    This statement, a recent photo of the author ecstatic to be
    At the beach, really, haha ,I dont think so, more like see
    How easy it is to insert my pretty little face and make it
    Look like im at the beach,fooled them again, haha, its my
    Blog and I can do what I want too, suckers.A little birdie
    Has duped the so cute ms.hipstercrite.

  • Reply This is What 30 Looks Like February 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

    […] I did write a couple of posts regarding my anxiety and hypochondria, which you can read here and here- if you feel like reading about an unhinged 30-year-old (who […]

  • Reply Quit Squeezing Your Boobies! A Lesson In Managing Anxiety. | Thought Catalog March 24, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    […] This post originally appeared at Hipstercrite. […]

  • Reply David July 22, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    I take Cathy’s “It doesn’t matter” approach. And, like Leigh Ann, I don’t have anxiety. I never have. If I could teach it I would. I am not religious. I think those who are would inherently have less anxiety because they always “leave it all up to God”. That and the fact that “He” has already decided what will happen clearly suggests that there’s no point in worrying or praying, for that matter. Yes, good outcome or bad, it is in His hands if that is your belief. So, otherwise… be the best person you can be and get the help you need (friends or medication, if appropriate) to get through times that are rough for you.

  • Reply Jenny July 8, 2015 at 3:39 pm

    Oh my. I have had the exact same type of anxiety since I turned 30 this year, and my doctor basically said the same thing! Glad I’m not the only one! Thanks for writing this!

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