I noticed something lately. About once or twice a month I get really apathetic. Discouraged. Run down. Confused. Tired. I want to sleep under a rock for 48 hours and when someone starts talking to me I give them a blank stare as if to say, “Back the f on up away from me, friend.” I sit at my computer feeling like a lead weight. I shuffle home and plop on the couch and can’t think of anything. I curl up into a ball on the couch and whine like a little bitch and want nothing more than the day to end.
It’s not my period. I know very damn well when that hormonal voodoo is messin’ with me. And it’s not depression. I have a pretty damn good life and depression does not run int the family. Instead I guess it’s a ‘everything is finally ganging up on me!’ feeling. And I’m not even sure what triggers the malaise. Something or things slight enough that it falls off the radar, but if I actually took a minute to think about it, I’d see the string that led me to that place. Something someone said or something that happened or a movie I saw or song I heard that scratched the surface of a purposely stowed away subconscious thought.
The feeling of being overwhelmed constructs an emotional and physical obstacle that makes me unable to achieve anything. You can barely get me to complete a full sentence, let alone get me to hang out or create. It’s the sort of funk that’s not conducive to writing. I’m not wallowing in self-pity and drinking myself into a Hemingway-esque stupor. My mind, spirit, and soul have simply shut down for the day.
It’s not uncommon for people to have funks. Shit, we all have a lot to feel funky about. Some more so than others. We all have a lot on our minds. We live in a time where we hustle, we stay connected 24/7, and we rarely have a minute to sit with ourselves. It would only seem inevitable that once in awhile our brain says, “Chill the f out for a second and digest.” Digest the issues in your life. Digest the news you take in that day. Digest your daily relationships and occurrences. Digest all that is around you. And when you do that, it’s like a piano being dropped on you. “Fuckkkk, man. I have three writing deadlines due. My last day at work is coming up. I’m starting a new job next week. Am I going to make enough money to pay my bills? When am I going to get my smashed car window fixed? It’s hot outside! I have a boyfriend! Wow, a boyfriend. Shit, it’s been a long time since I’ve had one of those. He’s amazing. The poor guy is stressed because of the movie he’s directing that you two wrote. You wrote a movie? Huh? What is it that you want to do with your life? Shit, I wonder if that is Mom calling. I better pick up because she might need someone to talk to because Grandma is driving her insane. Grandma is upset because her boyfriend’s Alzheimer’s is becoming severe and everyone is getting older. I’m getting older. Fuck, I’m an adult. This isn’t going to get any easier, my dear.”
I don’t really like these funky moments, but it’s life. There will always be days like these. Maybe if I actually dealt with my life in real-time instead of waiting until everything comes to a head, I wouldn’t have to deal with the twice monthly non-period period. One period is enough!
Do you ever experience the twice monthly non-period period? Boys, I’m talking to you too!