As of late, I present a lighter fare to nosh on.
I’ve drifted further and further away from any complex or adverse feelings due to wanting to keep the site a happy playground full of Jeff Goldblum photos, poop jokes and jointly Jeff Goldblum photos containing poop jokes.
This need to check rain clouds at the gate coincides with my own personal progression of keeping my emotions to myself. This isn’t due to any particular person or experience in my life scaring me into not sharing my thoughts (though I have a grandmother who stifles her emotions to the point where they manifest into random outbursts of directionless anger and a former, life-changing boss who often told me I acted too much “like a girl” and that I should stop it), but by the fact that I became sick of hearing myself whine, lament, sob and complain as an early twenty-something and have become increasingly annoyed by others who do the same thing (mostly the whining part). This act of personal defiance is not necessarily a positive development since now I’m prone to staring silently out of the window for long stretches of time and discovered that in doing so, like my grandmother, the compression of emotions will ultimately feel the need to be released at some point: mine makes its debut upon the increasingly rare one or two glasses of alcohol and explodes into an awesome array of tears, gurgles and whimpering.
So, I don’t always share with you who I am because I don’t want to burden you. On the days where I feel down or confused, I simply do not blog. This was not always true, but as of lately, it often is. When I was younger, single and highly emotional, I shared the journey quite often. Now my life is simply balanced, maybe even flat-lined at times. When a negative emotion rears its ugly head, I’m confused why it’s there. What do I have to be unhappy about? We’re complex creatures and some days we don’t know why we feel the way we do.
Today is one of those days.
1.) Today I thought about the fact that I cannot leave the house without running back to make sure the door is locked and half of the time, that the stove is turned off. I did not take notice of this behavior until my boyfriend pointed it out. Though it seemingly does not annoy him, he jokes about his patience as he waits for me to do my little ritual. Before I met him, the ritual faded into blurriness of routine and I forgot it existed.
This trait is part of a larger anxiety that often wakes me up at 4:30AM and keeps me up. It’s an anxiety that causes me to have nightmare night after night (though I am starting to believe the direct correlation between eating late and bad dreams), forces me to only watch happy good-time movies and television at night (I had to give up on Breaking Bad) and continues the childhood rituals of saying the prayer just perfectly when pertaining to my parents, otherwise if I don’t, it will cause great harm. This has bled over into my texts to them; if my text is grammatically incorrect, something bad will happen. I also cannot throw away anything they’ve ever given me for the same reason.
2.) People are asking me what my next step in my career is and the answer is I simply do not know. It took most of my middle twenties to reassess what I wanted to do (write) and I’ve been doing it professionally for a little over a year now. I appreciate the excitement of those asking, but it adds to my already existent angst concerning my 30th birthday next year and the fact that I’m still having difficulty supporting myself financially. If you must know, the answer is:
I want to write a book. About what? I’m not sure.
I want to write a screenplay fictionalizing my time in Los Angeles, but the sheer cheesiness of writing a personal screenplay about Los Angeles prevents me from doing so.
I want to teach a blogging class. This goal is not that difficult.
I want to go back to school because my confidence in my writing abilities is only 67%.
I want to make a documentary about Warren Zevon, but I’m not sure how to do it. Maybe school will help? Maybe it won’t…
I want to advance my freelance writing career, but I’m still not sure if I’m pitching correctly.
I want to keep this blog evolving, but I’m not sure I’m doing it the right way.
3.) I often think I should not worry about the questions in #2 and focus on a selfless life. Who really gives a shit about a blog called Hipstercrite or a screenplay about Los Angeles? We only have one shot at this, why not really help someone…
4.) Going back to #1, I live in a very constant fear of death. Not necessarily for myself (though I’m convinced I’m always dying of something), but of the people I love. It consistently keeps me on the edge of my seat when I can’t reach one of them (my mother, my father, my grandmother and Geoff) by phone and leads to overactive thoughts of their untimely death. This fear is so great, that I will possibly never own a pet or have a child. The thought of losing a pet, and more greatly a child, seems too difficult to comprehend.
5.) My boyfriend has been riding the emotional roller coaster concerning his own art and career and I have no idea how to handle it. This frustrates me.
6.) I miss my family and the people who have left us. I see the hair on top of my mother’s head thinning, the energy in my grandmother’s stride fading and the lines on my father’s face deepening. In the mirror, I see a woman and wonder where all the time has gone.
This post just shot right through my ribs. Especially #4. Why is this stuff so hard to let go of? Ah, because we’re writers and therefore cursed with the inability to seal off our spongy exteriors or even just be content for a long period of time. I don’t know that I’d trade it though.
As for your confidence, you’re a magnificent writer. We need to figure out a way to fill in that other 33 percent.
Awww thank you, Amy! I think most of my life is dictated by #4. :/
Because I am also all about keeping my feelings to myself…
I’ll leave you with one note :
I will watch any freakin’ thing you make about Warren Zevon.
HA! Heck ya…starting to think more and more about attempting this doc…
Some of us do give a big shit about a blog called hipstercrite. Also it is one of the few I follow. You have the bravery to say things to the world that some of us have trouble saying to ourselves.
🙂 Thank you, Christine.
Thanks for this post! It was honest and real, one of the reasons I became a fan of your blog a long time ago. Its nice to read about someone else who is struggling and confused just like a lot of us out there. Your writing is a refreshing change from all the ” my life is super happy and perfect” blogs everywhere. Don’t be afraid to NOT keep your feelings to your self. You are a great writer and I believe often at your best when you don’t. Keep up the good work 🙂
Thank you so much, Jess! Maybe I’ll learn to be a little more open…soon you’ll be wishing I wasn’t. 😉
Well… you could be like me and post something even if you have nothing to say
Your way makes better sense
Everyone has something to say!
Tortured artist struggles…I think we all have them. We tend to wear our emotions on our sleeve (or our blog) because it’s how we get through it. Personally I’m thinking of taking up journaling again to get out some of the things I don’t necessarily want on my blog — or do I?
Concerning a personal screenplay about life in LA…you’ve seen Swingers, right? It’s actually very autobiographical concerning Jon Favreau. I think you’re onto something there.
That’s a good idea! I’d do a journal too, but then I’d probably just post it on my blog. 😉
They had to believe in your writing abilities 100 % at the Guardian. Think about that.;)
Awww…thank you! I really appreciate that. 🙂
i loved this venting post, i just started blogging and have to remember to always try and keep a positive spirit and not just complain/ramble about life.
btw, i would definitely take your blogging class! do it!
Hi Nadeen! True, but we have to remind ourselves there is nothing bad about rambling & complaining posts either! I’ll keep you posted when the class happens!
I think you already know this, but posts like these are the main reason I keep coming back. We all respond to humanity in writing, and yours is beautiful and genuine.
Like others have said, I think if you did a statistical analysis of my visits to your site, you’d find a positive correlation between the frequency of your posts about your feelings and the frequency of my visits (and re-visits). lol
Awesome! Thanks for sharing that.
For what it’s worth, I never comment on your blog, but I read nearly every post. I love your honesty about your life. It’s something that I know makes people want to read a blog, yet something that I still struggle with in my own writing—hence, my on again, off again attempts at blogging, book authoring, etcetera. I find it’s harder to be honest with myself than with the strangers of the Internet, which is why blogging is such amazing therapy.
I’d be willing to guess that a large portion of your readers enjoy when you “whine about your life” because it comforts them to know that they aren’t the only ones having a bad day, or just a weird day.
Regardless, my favorite blogs are the one’s that forget they have an audience and just write whatever the fuck is on their mind. I like to read people when they’re actually being real, not when they’re trying to pretend to be real to get the blog ratings up.
This is the advice I’ve given to myself: Write a book, however you like. Forget that other books have been written before, because those books were not your own. Your book will be yours. Now go do it.
Your blog is always a pleasure to read.
Jon, sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, but when I first read your comment a few days back, it made me smile from ear to ear. Thank you for taking the time to write this. It means a lot to me.
[…] has veered me away from writing about my thoughts, but as you’ve seen the past week with various personal posts, at the end of the work day, I’ve been stripped naked and forced to listen to […]