The other day I came across a post on the ever-so-clever Flavorwire imagining what our favorite 80’s teen characters are doing these days. I wish I thought of the post first, but I didn’t, so the best I can do is copy it pay homage to it.
When I was a little girl, I sat alone thinking by myself a lot because a.) I was an only child and b.) I lived on a street filled with blue-haired folk. Because of this, I fantasized a lot about my favorite movie characters. Specifically Dennis Quaid’s character in InnerSpace (not sure why considering he was about 1 millimeter tall) and Indiana Jones. Oh, and Doc Brown. I used to imagine what sort of future we’d all have together as one big happy polyamorous family. But those days are long gone. We know what happened to Indiana Jones. He got old and made a SHITTY MOVIE ABOUT ALIENS AND CRYSTALS.
This doesn’t mean I haven’t been left curious about some of my favorite 80’s characters from time to time (and neither has Hollywood since they’re probably remaking the living shit out of all the movies the characters below were in). Here are some of my favorite characters I’ve wondered about:
Louis Tully– Louis was able to ride the fame train of being microwaved in a dog suit and falsely blasting a bunch of goo off of the Manhattan Museum of Art and saving New York City for roughly 6 months afterwards. His big splurge was a blue Valentino velour suit which he wore to every party he was invited to. He ended up marrying Janine and they had a baby named Harold that Janine ended up accidentally killing by feeding him too much pizza. Distraught by the death of their child, Louis fled to Costa Rica where he dabbled in his true passion- health drinks. Using the berries and herbs found on the beaches to concoct his new beverage, Louis eventually came back to the States to market his product, “Louis’ Lovely Liquid”. He found success within the Whole Foods culture and now lives in a penthouse in Central Park. He was recently reunited with the Ghostbusters when they tried to collectively sue the reality show “Ghost Hunters” for stealing their idea. They lost the case, but decided to start their own reality show called “Ghostbusters: The ORIGINAL Ghost Hunters” on AMC. In one particularly touching episode, Louis and Janine “coincidentally” run into each other in a cafe and they’ve happily been dating ever since.
Doc Brown– Doc’s life took a turn for the worse after the DeLorean was destroyed. After repeated pleas of not keeping plutonium in the house, his wife, Clara, moved out with their sons, Jules and Verne. Marty’s parents also took a restraining order against Doc out of their discomfort of a middle-aged dude with no job exposing their son to time paradoxes. Left with only his time-traveling train and collection of 126 year-old liquor he picked up back in 1885, Doc decides that his life would be much better if he never discovered time travel. He opts to go back into time and prevent himself from ever falling off the toilet seat and envisioning the flux capacitor and thus never having the burden of knowing how to time travel. When he arrives at his house on November 5th, 1955 to stop himself from falling, he watches as his younger self hangs the clock above the toilet, sit down and take a dump, then get off the toilet without incident. Wondering how this could be, Doc suspects that all his fucking with time travel has caused changes beyond his control and he decides to use his knowledge for fame and money and markets his theory on time travel. That is why the world is going to hell.
Pee-Wee’s Bicycle– After being reunited with Pee-Wee Herman, Bicycle found his former owner to be way too clingy and missed the days of being out on the open road. Fearful that his bicycle would be stolen from him again, Pee-Wee would chain Bicycle to his bed nightly. He’d only let him out of the house every now and then, never leaving his driveway and cycling around and around for hours until Bicycle got sick. As time went on and Bicycle became more and more depressed, Pee-Wee also became more alienated from other humans, not trusting anyone and therefore getting close to no one. Because of this, Pee-Wee turned to Bicycle for his sexual needs and thus commenced a grisly four year-long captivity in what would later be dubbed, “The Clown House of Terrors”. Bicycle eventually escaped by jumping out the second story window and limping to Francis Buxton’s house. Pee-Wee was arrested under false imprisonment and lewd conduct charges, but after developing Stockholm Syndrome, Bicycle vowed to visit Pee-Wee every day until his release on July 15th 2015.
Hilarious predictions that are probably true. You know your Back to the Future!
"not keeping plutonium in the house"
Your vision of PeeWee chaining his bicycle to his bed reminded me of a song lyric from back then which I bastardized, inspired by my ex-wife. Want to hear it? Good!
"If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd chain you to
that pipe in the basement,
And You'd Stay!"
(my apologies to Cher for that one… and I guess anyone reading this, lol)