Hipstercrite Life

Last Night

Sitting across the room from him, writing, listening to the consonance of alt-country, thinking how one day I hoped for a moment like this. How I used to write about the faceless passenger who rode beside me, out into the desert at night, the top down, thinking how there was nothing more beautiful than this. These thoughts converged as your face became clearer.

Sitting here thinking whether or not I’m a good daughter, if I should live closer to home, if I should not feel guilty about the impending leap I’m about to take. That will make me more hyper-focused than I’ve ever been.

I spoke with her earlier on the phone and I could tell she was bored. She recited the entire contents of a magazine she picked up in Walmart. A magazine featuring all the places one should visit in America. She deserves to go to all of those places. She deserves to do it sooner than later. Because life is short, right? And that is what I keep telling myself about the impending leap I’m about to take.

Sitting here thinking what she must be thinking when she tells him that he’s stupid. When he tells her that he’ll kill her. And with all this play-fighting within the world of Alzheimer’s, I wonder when reality will set in.

He leans down to kiss me and says, “Your boyfriend is crazy about you.”

I watch him pace the room, his brain filled with ideas about the movie we wrote. My brain is spilling with anxiety for no reason. For every reason. For not knowing how to handle it all.

Sitting here waiting for the sleeping pill to set in so I will stop thinking. Ready to crawl into his arms and drift off into dreams of the desert.

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  • Reply MG August 8, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    So wonderfully written. Honestly, I loved this post. I hope everything works out, I know it will. I stress out a lot too and over-think everything. Then when I look back, I'm like "damn, you give yourself bald spots for no reason". Yes, I worry myself bald. I don't suggest it.

  • Reply tunasandwich August 8, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Last night my mom and I talked about how she colored her hair and it turned out too black while I worried about being totally broke.

    My Technical Grandmother died two weeks ago. We had nothing to do with one another, as she left after having an affair, breaking my beloved Grandfather's heart. I didn't care about her dying. I care about everyone dying.

    I had him next to me the entire time. Even if he was watching The Simpson's, I knew that having his love made the difference.

    I understand.

    I'm so happy you have a love that takes the edge off. May you two have the best journey together.

  • Reply Unknown August 8, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Beautifully written….

  • Reply Tara August 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving home and starting my own life without my family. We've had a lot of problems the past couple of years, and I needed to get away and find my own identity outside of our family problems. It's such a hard transition…still trying to maintain what you had when you were at home, but morphing into your own person as well.

  • Reply Carol August 8, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    Your boyfriend would be crazy not to be crazy about you.

  • Reply Big Mark 243 August 8, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    So much emotion… this was a raw sort of entry, jagged and toothy.

    I don't have any words to share only my sincere and heartfelt wish that things work for you in the way things work out in daydreams.


  • Reply laurenne August 9, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Aw. I love this.
    And the leap you're about to take.

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