Writing

I Want to be the Future Ex-Mrs. Malcolm

Dr. Emmett Brown
Dr. Egon Spengler
Dr. Ian Malcolm

What do these men all have in common?
I wanted to marry all of them between the ages of 4-10.
I had completely forgotten that at one point in my young life, I heartbreakingly loved all these men. I was only reminded of it recently while sitting at the doctors office, maybe or maybe not reading one of those articles in Cosmopolitan, titled, “What your type of man says about you.” I never read such nonsense, but I was feeling particularly nonplussed about my relationship status that day (I’d even settle for a “It’s Complicated”) and thought maybe it would shed some light on why I pick men that may or may not have the same personality traits as my free spirit father (free spirit= flew the coop when I was six).

I realized that I wasn’t exactly sure what my type was. The men I seemed to go after typically fail me (f*ck YOU, artsy bearded musicians!) and though I thought I liked men who look like Lindsey Buckingham circa 1977, the past four guys I (more…)
January 14, 2010 by
Writing

Guest Blog: Blackberries to Apples


What first attracted me to the blog Blackberries to Apples, was the witty title. The name provoked images of a sassy big city gal who career’d it by day and blogged by night. I peeked into the blog to find exactly that- a smart, funny, confident writer living and working in NYC. Her tales of being a twenty-something in one of the greatest cities in the world always keeps me wanting to hear more. That is why I was delighted when she suggested we do a blog swap.

We exchanged emails and immediately knew what we were going to talk about: relationships and the weird shit that comes with them. When I read her post, I could instantly relate to it, and I think you will too.

I’m honored to present the true tales of Ms. M….

(P.S. check out my post over at her blog)

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We hold this truth to be self-evident: Relationships are fucking bizarre

I’ve been on this planet for like 24 years now, and I feel like I haven’t learned very much. I mean, I’ve definitely learned some things. Don’t (more…)

January 12, 2010 by
Writing

Come on Baby in Our Dreams, We Can Live Our Misbehavior


I love the way my Mother always makes me feel like a champion. I love Austin. I love having a conversation with my friend that feels like I just finished a 10k race. I love beets (One time I thought I fell in love with one…it’s a long story. No drugs or alcohol were involved). I love our Dad/Daughter adventures. I love my Pee-Wee Herman doll even though his voice box is broken and he talks like he’s on huffers. I love sourdough bread with butter and strawberry jam. I love my Grandmother’s face. I love the way that juice boxes make me feel like a child again. I love L.A. for everything it’s not. I love watching people interact with each other. I love desolate urban landscapes. I love lamp.

However, the one thing I’ve never felt is 100% honest to goodness, heart-wrenching, soul-twisting, poem-inducing, pant-peeing love.
So in honor of having had more of an emotional connection to a beet than a man, I’m declaring this week, “What is Love?” week on my blog. And yes, you have to do the head (more…)
January 11, 2010 by
Writing

Snapshots of Fictional Wanting

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As I watch the sights that I’ve seen a million times before grow smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror, I think about all my failures in this city. And a boy. My failures in Los Angeles and failure with the boy are insignificant to the greater picture of this move, yet they’re all I can think about.

We sat down on his couch and he picked up his guitar. I couldn’t look at him anymore. He was winning me over, so I tried to keep my focus on a used piece of floss lying on the coffee table. There was only one sign that a man who once had money, fame, a family, and legions of people who looked up to him lived there. All over the apartment were pictures of the former Mr. W. Young Mr. W. Smiling Mr. W. Handsome Mr. W. All before the switch was flipped. I was drawn into the photos. I couldn’t stop staring at him. Who is this strapping, vivacious young man in the picture and who is that frail, sad, old man sitting on the couch? The apartment was covered in drawing (more…)
January 8, 2010 by
Writing

WWPD?-What Would Prince Do?


WWPD? (What Would Prince Do?)

On those particular days when I’m feeling weary, feeling small, when tears are in my eyes, Art Garfunkel comes and dries them all.
But on the particular days that Art doesn’t stop by to say “heeeyyy!”, and my self-esteem and confidence are at an all-time low, I think of another man.

A purple man.
A woman-man.
A 5’2″ larger than life man.
A sexy, sexy man.

When I feel like shit about myself, I ponder, “What would Prince do?”

Would Prince sit there curled up on his bed, with a bottle of red wine that he opened with a pen because he doesn’t have a cork screw because he likes to think he doesn’t drink, and feel sorry for himself?
NO!
He’d get out of that bed, go find a stage somewhere, hold the bottle up against his crotch, pop that cork, spray the crowd with the wine, and sing “Purple Rain”.

Would Prince cry purple tears when one of his respective under-aged girlfriends would leave him in a fit of jealousy?
NO!
He would write a power ballad about her, then go play the song (more…)

January 7, 2010 by
Writing

I Want You (But Mostly I Want Your Feedback)

Well it’s that time.
Time for the six month review.
A lot happened to Hipstercrite in 2009. In March, she went from being called PlasticLA (maybe I lived in Los Angeles, maybe I didn’t) to Hipstercrite. In July, I came across the WONDERFUL twenty-something blogger networking site, 20sb. which opened up the blogging world to me. Over the past six months, I’ve been fortunate enough to come across hundreds of amazing blogs (wait, “hundreds” seems like a lot, but “dozens” seems too little…is there something in between?). In November, I went to the Austin Bleet-Up hosted by the wonderful Austin Eavesdropper and got to meet many of the Austin bloggers. In December, I was lucky enough to be selected as Blogger’s, “Blog of Note”, along with the likes of some of my favorite blogs, Blackberries to Apples, My Soul is a Butterfly, Mr. London Street, The Badass Geek, and Meditations in an Emergency. I went from having 9 followers in March to over 850 now. Thank you so much to everyone who follows (more…)
January 6, 2010 by
Writing

Fashion Trend- Biker Baby

All I keep hearing about is how the fashion trend for 2010 is going to be motorcycle everything. Motorcycle jeans, motorcycle jackets, motorcycle boots, motorcycle-infused Acai beverages.
Though I dig the trend, I just try to imagine myself as a biker chick, driving around LA/NYC, shaking my head in disgust as I watch hoards of 14 year-old fashionistas parading down the street wearing shit that probably weighs more than they do. I’d pull over and say, “Hey little girl, you look like a bas ass biker. Here, why don’t you take my bike for a spin. Oh wait, I forget, I took the training wheels off yesterday! HA HA HA!” Then I’d jump on my bike and drive away bellowing a maniacal laugh and feeling all smug-like.
Unfortunately, in reality, I’d probably be the asshole walking down the street.
(Lauren, just because your Dad owned a motorcycle doesn’t make you biker chick).

Let’s take a look at some of these items for 2010.
The Motorcycle Jean
Whoa, I see an epic camel toe coming on…


The Motorcycle Jacket
January 5, 2010 by
Writing

Resolutions Are For Crack Addicts and Lindsay Lohan

New Year’s Eve has and always will depress the living shit out of me.

It’s like, “Oh hey, guess what? You’re getting old and getting one year closer to death . Here, blow on this sparkly thing. BLOW ON IT!”
No wonder everyone gets wasted on New Years Eve. Deep down everyone is trying to stifle that tiny voice of mortality that keeps nagging, “Drink it up while you still don’t have to wear Depends.”
I’m also a person who can never plan long term, so resolutions mean nothing to me.
NOTHING!
In fact, I can’t finish a book, or a meal, or even a full pee. I excitedly jump off the toiled before I ever finish. This causes many a’problem on planes and porta-potties.
But I’m at a complete lost as to what to write about today, so I’m going to jump on the blogging band wagon and force myself to come up with some resolutions.
This is good for me.
I need this.
Badly.
1.) Is a secret….ssshhhh…..(if you can guess what it is, I’ll mail you some Mrs. T’s frozen perogies).
2.) Finish reading something other (more…)
January 1, 2010 by
Writing

Obituary Birthday


The blogging community can be a gigantic ass kiss fest at times, but there is one blog that has stayed for me, and for many others, one of the best pieces of writing out there.

The very first blog that caught my attention when I dove nose first into the blogging world (is there another freakin’ word for “blog”? Cripes! I’ve used it four times already!), was My Soul is a Butterfly, written by the enigmatic Hannah Miet. I still remember the first line that reeled me in. Hannah was describing her inability to connect with the book, “Loose Girl: Memoirs of Promiscuity”:
“All I’m saying is that I can’t masturbate to your lack of father figure. And I like masturbating to books.”
I was hooked. Not only was this writer alluring, but she was smart and witty. She referenced Ernest Hemingway and talked about things most girls are afraid to suggest. A young and beautiful Woody Allen, walking the streets of New York commentating on all the quirk and poetry of the world.
Hannah, for this I hate you.

December 30, 2009 by
Writing

Scenes From A Jewish Christmas: Or What I Learned About My Family on This Trip Home

The Characters
Grandmother
Nickname: Nan, Nettie Mae, The Boss
Age: 83
Religious Affiliation: Passive Jew
Occupation: 40+ years in women’s clothing retail
Relationship Status: Twice divorced, dating Special Friend whom she began dating after suing him for medical costs after her heel got stuck in a tile in the building he owns.
Children: One daughter and one granddaughter
Likes: dressing nicely, wearing heels to the gym, and preparing beautiful meals that you cannot touch
Dislikes: “people who pretend they are something that they are not.”


Grandmother’s Special Friend

Age: 82
Nickname: Jewish American Prince, Pain in the Ass, Asshole
Religion: Passive Jew
Occupation: 40+ years in women’s clothing retail
Relationship Status: Once divorced, once widowed, dating Grandmother
Children: 3 sons, 2 stepsons, and 4 grandchildren
Likes: “people who pretend they are something that they are not and are good at it.”
Dislikes: “…you know….things…”

Lauren
Age: 26
Nickname: As a child, she self-proclaimed her nickname (more…)
December 28, 2009 by