Writing

Scenes From A Jewish Christmas: Or What I Learned About My Family on This Trip Home

The Characters
Grandmother
Nickname: Nan, Nettie Mae, The Boss
Age: 83
Religious Affiliation: Passive Jew
Occupation: 40+ years in women’s clothing retail
Relationship Status: Twice divorced, dating Special Friend whom she began dating after suing him for medical costs after her heel got stuck in a tile in the building he owns.
Children: One daughter and one granddaughter
Likes: dressing nicely, wearing heels to the gym, and preparing beautiful meals that you cannot touch
Dislikes: “people who pretend they are something that they are not.”


Grandmother’s Special Friend
Age: 82
Nickname: Jewish American Prince, Pain in the Ass, Asshole
Religion
: Passive Jew
Occupation: 40+ years in women’s clothing retail
Relationship Status: Once divorced, once widowed, dating Grandmother
Children: 3 sons, 2 stepsons, and 4 grandchildren
Likes: “people who pretend they are something that they are not and are good at it.”
Dislikes: “…you know….things…”

Lauren
Age: 26
Nickname: As a child, she self-proclaimed her nickname to be “Spooky” due to her obsession with The X-files. Unfortunately, she was the only one that called herself that.
Religious Affiliation: Passive Jew (thanks to Grandmother)
Occupation: Perpetual assistant in the film industry
Relationship Status: Dating Special Gentleman Friend (different from Grandma’s “Special Friend”)
Likes: dancing to Michael Jackson in inappropriate situations.
Dislikes: people who don’t pay attention to her dancing to Michael Jackson in inappropriate situations.


The Setting
Small, lonely town in Upstate NY.

Scenario 1-

Lauren decides to cook Grandma and Lionel Thai food because they have never tried it.

Grandma
Lionel, what we ate tonight was tufo. You’ve had tufo before.
Lauren
Grandma, it’s tofu.

(Grandma laughs)
Lionel
Yeah, Nan, it’s tofu!
(Grandma stops laughing)
Grandma
Shut the hell up, Lionel.
(Lionel’s mouth drops open)

Lionel
Nan! How can you say that to me?

Grandma
Easy, stupid!

Fast forward to tomorrow morning.

Grandma
Lauren, that tufo has made me go to the bathroom five times now.

Scenario 2-

Lauren, Mom, Grandma, Grandma’s Special Friend sit down for Christmas Eve dinner at The Community Restaurant.
Lionel
(to waitress)
Are you a man or woman?

Lauren
(to waitress)
Can you get me the tallest glass of vodka and cranberry please?

Scenario 3-

Lauren, Mom, Grandma, and Grandma’s Special Friend sit down at a makeshift table planted in the middle of the living room for Christmas Dinner.
Grandma
Oh Lionel, you’re always wishing you were dead.

Lionel
No I don’t!

Grandma
Oh, yes you do. I always hear you saying, “Dear God, please take me now.”

Lionel
That’s because I’m trying to cut a deal with him.

Grandma
God doesn’t cut deals.

Lionel
Yes, he does. He’s Jewish

Grandma
(looks up)
Dear God, please forgive us.

To be continued….

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31 Comments

  • Reply Christine Macdonald December 28, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Priceless. You know the sayings "you can't make this stuff up"? and "this materials writes itself"? So true so true. Can't WAIT to read more. 🙂

  • Reply Grant December 28, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Was the waitress a man or woman? I used to wait tables. I would sometimes go up to a table and say "What can I get you fellas?" seconds before I realize that the fellas were sans penis. I can relate to Special Friend.

  • Reply Mrs.Rotty December 28, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    short time reader
    new follower
    first time commenter

    lol. your grandma's 'special friend' sounds so similar to my grandmothers late husband.

    we called him mr.magoo because thats who he looked like but he had NO filter when it came to dealing with the public.

    ya… good luck with that. LOL

  • Reply RSS Spirit Combine December 28, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    very funny

  • Reply M December 28, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    Hahahaha. Love it.

    And now I really want some tufo.

  • Reply Winters Reaper December 28, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    omg…. can't stop laughing…this was good…

  • Reply mysterg December 28, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I loved the last conversation! You should write your own sitcom.

  • Reply Dr Brainspiller December 28, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Ha ha ha. Absolutely priceless. Glad to hear that it's not just my family that are hugely embarrassing. x

  • Reply Amber Tidd Murphy December 29, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Hilarity has been defined.

    I adored that.

  • Reply Joel Momberg December 29, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Cool stuff.

  • Reply Just me.... December 29, 2009 at 2:01 am

    Oh Lauren! You have no idea – this is so funny, and so "on". We're a mixed couple here – White Anglo Saxon German girl, living with (for 20 years!!!) a nice Jewish boy 🙂 also passive. I'll email you a story or two… my life is either a Woody Allen movie, or a Seinfeld episode – but hey, at least its funny!!!
    h

  • Reply paintnpencil December 29, 2009 at 3:46 am

    Loved it, am hanging out for the rest. What characters.

  • Reply Purple Bee December 29, 2009 at 3:53 am

    haha wonderful, i don't usually use that word

  • Reply Elizabeth Chaten December 29, 2009 at 4:17 am

    Lovely site! Check out my blog for recipes, fashion picks, book reviews, and more! I'll be sure to keep following yours!

    xoxo Elizabeth

  • Reply Hannah Miet December 29, 2009 at 4:30 am

    So we're going to co-write a screenplay about our families. A few characters from each.

    Indie budget, mainstream audience. Yes? Obviously, obviously, yes.

  • Reply Jenny December 29, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Your posts both inspire me and make me laugh. Thank you 🙂

  • Reply The Peach Tart December 29, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    OMG honey. What a few days you had.

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ December 29, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    This is why living with my grandparents in high-school was pure madness. Hope you have a happy new year!

  • Reply Sassy December 30, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Hahahahahahahahaha.

  • Reply Monster Girl December 30, 2009 at 2:53 am

    Oh, families.

  • Reply Angie December 30, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Haha love it! Great bios 🙂

  • Reply MeanDonnaJean December 30, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    Now DISS iz juss 2 damm gudd 2 keep 2 mee-self….so me's just gonna haff 2 fling it on ovur 2 me dotter so's dat she kan haff a gudd laff 2.

    'zat okay wit u?

  • Reply floreta January 3, 2010 at 1:11 am

    haha this reminded me kind of like amelie. and that was cool 🙂

  • Reply kerosene and lux January 4, 2010 at 1:38 am

    youre hilarious. i love that the pictures with it

  • Reply RenRexx January 4, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    you have no idea how hard it was not to let a snort out while reading this…… i let out a squeak instead. oh god….. thank you for this. i DESPERATELY needed it.

    your grandma looks good. i wish i can make heads turn (or necks break) when i'm in that age bracket!

  • Reply Sofa Queen January 5, 2010 at 5:06 am

    This not only made me laugh to the point of peeing mysef, but extra props for also being named Lauren… Laurens of the world unite!

  • Reply Sofa Queen January 5, 2010 at 5:06 am

    This not only made me laugh to the point of peeing mysef, but extra props for also being named Lauren… Laurens of the world unite!

  • Reply Sofa Queen January 5, 2010 at 5:06 am

    This not only made me laugh to the point of peeing mysef, but extra props for also being named Lauren… Laurens of the world unite!

  • Reply Christina January 5, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    I think I'd like your grandmother. Made me smile because it reminds me of my own passively Jewish family.

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