Resolutions Are For Crack Addicts and Lindsay Lohan

New Year’s Eve has and always will depress the living shit out of me.

It’s like, “Oh hey, guess what? You’re getting old and getting one year closer to death . Here, blow on this sparkly thing. BLOW ON IT!”
No wonder everyone gets wasted on New Years Eve. Deep down everyone is trying to stifle that tiny voice of mortality that keeps nagging, “Drink it up while you still don’t have to wear Depends.”
I’m also a person who can never plan long term, so resolutions mean nothing to me.
In fact, I can’t finish a book, or a meal, or even a full pee. I excitedly jump off the toiled before I ever finish. This causes many a’problem on planes and porta-potties.
But I’m at a complete lost as to what to write about today, so I’m going to jump on the blogging band wagon and force myself to come up with some resolutions.
This is good for me.
I need this.
1.) Is a secret….ssshhhh…..(if you can guess what it is, I’ll mail you some Mrs. T’s frozen perogies).
2.) Finish reading something other than liquor labels and Highlights Magazine.
3.) Write a book that is Less Than Zero/Rules of Attraction/American Psycho/Glamorama/Lunar Park rolled into one. Get hailed as a young prodigy and start the “Flat Pack” (due to my 12 year-old boy-like chest) in Austin, TX.
4.) Make my hair look like this (who am I kidding…the whole face)

5.) Get my Etsy page, Enidlala’s Shops of Vintage and Curios, rollin’. Make an actual logo rather than taking a snapshot of some text on Microsoft Word that still has the cursor and spelling red squiggly mark on it.

6.) Create branding for Hipstercrite that doesn’t include taking snapshots of text/images created in Microsoft Word.
7.) Ride this mo-fo’ing awesome hipster bike at least three times a week. Name him something ironic like, Capt. Bojangles McGee Esq.

8.) Actually listen to something other than the same five Michael Jackson songs over and over. However, continue to sporadically dance to said five Michael Jackson songs whenever I feel like it.

9.) Which reminds me, create a work-out video that consists of trying to figure out how to dance like Michael Jackson. Between the awkward Anglo jerking movements and crying, you’ll lose weight in no time.

the nose wipe, only one of three Michael Jackson moves I can do. the other two being the dealing cards/jerking off hand gesture from “Beat It” and “Thriller” and the squat and crap like a zombie move from “Thriller”

10.) Drive to Marfa, TX, have an epiphany, take off all my clothes, run through the desert, write a book in a two day black out.

11.) Continue shopping/eating/drinking more than 50% locally. Fuck yeah Bookpeople! Fuck yeah Mr. Natural! (hopefully you don’t have a 46% health standard rating this year), Fuck yeah Jo’s! Fuck yeah I Luv Video!
12.) Figure out how to use my Diana camera. Take pictures that look like the opening montage to “Six Feet Under”. Feel like a real artist.
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  • Reply Hannah Miet January 4, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Stop making me swoon with laughter.

  • Reply Christopher January 4, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    I understand where you're coming from. My birthday precedes New Years by exactly a week. So only a week after saying "f*** I'm gonna be thirty in a couple years!" I get "to say f*** I remember (mostly) two complete decades from front to back now!"

  • Reply The Girl Least Likely To January 4, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    The whole opening sequence to "Six Feet Under" is simply beautiful. Take a crack at it, I would love to see something that stimulates the senses like that pictures.

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ January 4, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    These are hilarious! The title alone is great. Happy New Year 🙂

  • Reply kendal croix January 4, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    haha. awesome.

    i like the one about the diana camera, i have one too, gotta work on actually using it.

  • Reply Ghosty Nana January 4, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Yes, New Year is depressing for me too. Getting older and closer to death….
    New year, new beginning, new life, new drama, new joke,…..

  • Reply Grant January 4, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Yummmm Perogies.

    My guess is that you want to…

    A. Have sex with David Byrne.
    B. Have sex with Crispin Glover
    C. Have sex with Rick Moranis
    D. All of the Above.

  • Reply Austin Eavesdropper January 4, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    I *love* your list. Will you show me the signature Michael Jackson nose wipe sometime? That's a "Bad" video classic.

    Let's learn Thriller for real this year.

    Also your face and hair are both perfect, I think.

    And finally – Grant, who DOESN'T want to have sex with David Byrne.

  • Reply Nicole Leigh January 4, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    freaking amazing list
    and I wish I knew your secret because i LOVE mrs. t's frozen pierogies. no joke.
    I would love to see pictures that look like the opening to six feet under. all time favorite show.

  • Reply Shinay January 4, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    "…have an epiphany, take of all my clothes, run through the desert, write a book in a two day black out." – LOVE IT! 🙂

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 4, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    @Hannah- I like swooning

    @Christopher- I can't imagine. I'm lucky that my b-day is mid-June, but even that is depressing. It's all depressing!

    @The Girl Least Likely To- Isn't the opening beautiful?Everything about it. The "True Blood"opener is great too! Yay Alan Ball!

    @That Chelsea Girl- Happy New Year to you too!

    @Kendal Croix- I don't even know what kind of film to buy for it! Ha.

    @Ghosty Nana- Oh yeah, new drama….

    @Grant- Yes to all, but no, my number resolution is much more boring and traditional than that….

    @Austin Eavesdropper- Have you done "Thrill the World" yet? And thank you for the compliment.
    Oh, and back off of David Byrne, he's mine….;)

    @Nicole Leigh- Thank you! Aren't perogies AMAZING?

    @Shinay- Glad you liked that line because it pointed out a glaring spelling error on my part. Embarrassing…. 🙁

  • Reply The Girl Least Likely To January 4, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Yes! Everything Alan Ball touches is exquisite! I can see how his work would be an inspiration.

  • Reply cjschlottman January 4, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    I'm not having sex with anyone. Can I borrow that bike?

  • Reply Amanda January 4, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    I'll take on Grant for a chance at the perogies. I'm going to guess…

    a) sex with rick moranis in the Spaceballs darth helmet helmet. (that's ordinary, right?)

    b) streamers for the bicycle

    c) I don't know… can I just trade you my unused perogie press for a box of ready made ones? I got overly ambitious at a kitchen store once.

  • Reply Crackity Jane January 5, 2010 at 12:56 am

    This is going to sound sort of creepy, but I'm sort of forced to deal with that since I have no self-control and it would agonize me not to message you.

    My mom linked me to this blog and my first response was "I don't like it" until I realized that I did not not like it, but rather found it exactly like reading my own thoughts. Although I am usually of the opinion that it takes me to know me, she linked me to your blog because it was evident enough to her.

    I realized this when I got to the third post and saw a reference to the song "This Must Be the Place." I paused, reviewed earlier entries, and ran a search for the song title, and the first line, and realized that it must be your favorite, too.

    I know it's not a big deal, but it kind of is to me, since that song means so much to me. There are other parallels, but that was the most significant to me. So, I don't know. Scratch all that, I think that song is pretty much the only good reason to message someone.

    I live in Austin and my band is looking for another guitarist. Do you play guitar?

    — Emily

  • Reply Lisa January 5, 2010 at 1:15 am

    wow. this is freaking hilarious. good luck on your resolutions! and lmao @ "BLOW ON IT!!"

  • Reply Rusty Hoe January 5, 2010 at 1:55 am

    Now my resolution to not give a crap about not keeping my resolutions seems like trite crap. Damn it!

    I will admit my not so secret shame is feeling pure joy at dancing to "Blame it on The Boogie" (frequently at traffic lights).

  • Reply mysterg January 5, 2010 at 2:16 am

    I'd rather take crack than make resolutions but kudos to you for making me laugh!

    I say do them all. But most importantly do number one.

  • Reply Hater Von G January 5, 2010 at 2:16 am

    Perogies! I haven't had those in FOREVER.

    I need a bike like that. I need a bike period. No I don't, Id never ride it.

  • Reply paintnpencil January 5, 2010 at 2:46 am

    HaHa, had a great laugh, coffee and a laugh for breakfast, can't beat it, let us know how you go with your bike???

  • Reply Wendybob January 5, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Oh swoon… I have a serious girl crush on Zooey Deschanel…and now by association, you.

    Eww creepy stalker alert!!1

  • Reply Allie January 5, 2010 at 2:56 am

    HAHAHA your resolutions are great. By the way, I love your pictures. My blog tends to be illustration-less,though, so I guess my appreciation isn't saying much.

  • Reply <3 January 5, 2010 at 4:55 am

    I like. Can I come to Marfa with you? We can run naked in opposite directions so it won't be awkward.

  • Reply <3 January 5, 2010 at 4:55 am

    I like. Can I come to Marfa with you? We can run naked in opposite directions so it won't be awkward.

  • Reply Claire Marie (Cluh) January 5, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Hurrah for supporting local businesses! That is an excellent resolution that I plan to copy. =)

    I really enjoy your blog! Happy New Year!

  • Reply Alex Mangie January 5, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Yes, New Year's as a holiday is overrated and certainly I have had my depressing share of New Year's as well.

    What does New Year's Eve mean in my city? Well, it means everyone under 25 goes out dressing as skanky as they possibly can and get smashed. Everyone over 50 comes out and tries to dress like they are 25 (unsuccessfully) and get smashed, and THEN proceed to do the electric slide in some weird smashed/making out state.

    Weird, depressing, or hilarious, it is what it is.

  • Reply Lexx January 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Cant wait to run out and buy one of your Michael Jackson workout video's. I can feel the pounds slippin away right now.

  • Reply Freelance Pallbearer January 5, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Haven't thought about Ellis in a while, I need to get on the 'Lunar Park' bandwagon. Have to admit though,unless your Kerouac, it might by hard to write your Easton Ellis epic in two days; I'd give yourself a week.

    Cheers to Highlights! Magazine and Capt. Bojangles McGee.

    Oh! And, since your in Austin: do you ever read Michael Ventura's '[email protected]?' It's a bi-weekly column in the "Chronicle." He wrote a book called 'Night Time, Losing Time' that I think may be your type of digs. Just a thought.

  • Reply mil-lee-cents January 5, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Aaaaah….Michael Jackson moves. I too am a closet Micael Jackson dancer. Accept now I have come out of the closet with my moves and subjected the dance abuse on my children. They are now fellow moonwalkers. Poor little tykes.

    The title says it all. Have we lost ourselves so much that we have to have a holiday to remind ourselves to grow and set goals. Brilliant hipsterkrit absolutely brilliant!

    Now, I must go look up a Diana camera. I have absolutely no clue what that is.

    Christopher – thirt is really not so bad. I'm thrity three and I don't understand half the things people talk about in their twenties anymore because I have become the football mom, the soccer mom…the goddamn cupcake mom! No, really it's not so bad.

  • Reply mil-lee-cents January 5, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    See thirty isn't so bad. Maybe I can't type it or spell it, but it's not so bad.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 5, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    @cjschlottman- Yes, you can borrow you!

    @amanda- hahaha…those are excellent guesses! have you ever made perogies from your press?

    @crackity jane- oh, i already emailed you because you're so awesome.

    @lisa- thank you!!!

    @rusty hoe- oh man, that song is awesome! just saw the music video for it the other day. craziness.

    @mysterg- hahaha, thanks dear!

    @hater von g- find a cheap one on craigslist. i think you'll ride it more than you think.

    @paintnpenicl- hahaha thanks! i've ridden her twice so far and I LOVE HER! oh wait, it's a him, isn't it? capt. bojangles mcgee esq. sounds like a he.

    @wendybob- oh, i have a crush on zooey too.

    @allie- when all else fails, just post a bunch of pictures on your blog. do you have a camera on your phone?

    @&it;3- yes, you can. that sounds great.

    @claire marie- thank you! yes, local businesses are the only way to go.

    @alex mangie- that sounds like my hometown, except for the people over 50 part. they just stay home.

    @lexx- i can't wait until i make the video! i need to lose a pound or two of holiday fat.

    @freelance pallbearer- i feel kind of ashamed that i have never heard of that column. checking it out now. thank you!

    @mil-lee-cents- no matter what kind of mood i'm in, dancing to mj always makes me so happy! how can it not??? you're kids will appreciate it one day.

  • Reply Sophie Neutron January 5, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I L O V E your resolutions.

    I also love The Diana cameras.You need to find 120 film. It's the old type with the paper backing… or buy the 35mm back and just use "normal" 35mm film.
    You MUST use it. Don't worry about learning to use it too much. The diana is so much fun, you will regret not using it sooner!

  • Reply Amanda January 5, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    no perogies yet, but since my roommate is cleaning the kitchen behind me as I type, I might be motivated to give it a try. I haven't seen a recipe, so I hope it's not like pastry dough… I'll post pictures of the experiment when I give it a shot

  • Reply joel January 6, 2010 at 2:17 am

    "Finish reading something other than liquor labels and Highlights Magazine."

    sad and funny. the title of this blog cracked me up. keep up the good writing!

  • Reply Kahli January 6, 2010 at 2:27 am

    im on the diana wagon, lets start a own but dont use diana camera biker gang

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