WWPD?-What Would Prince Do?

WWPD? (What Would Prince Do?)

On those particular days when I’m feeling weary, feeling small, when tears are in my eyes, Art Garfunkel comes and dries them all.
But on the particular days that Art doesn’t stop by to say “heeeyyy!”, and my self-esteem and confidence are at an all-time low, I think of another man.

A purple man.
A woman-man.
A 5’2″ larger than life man.
A sexy, sexy man.

When I feel like shit about myself, I ponder, “What would Prince do?”

Would Prince sit there curled up on his bed, with a bottle of red wine that he opened with a pen because he doesn’t have a cork screw because he likes to think he doesn’t drink, and feel sorry for himself?
He’d get out of that bed, go find a stage somewhere, hold the bottle up against his crotch, pop that cork, spray the crowd with the wine, and sing “Purple Rain”.

Would Prince cry purple tears when one of his respective under-aged girlfriends would leave him in a fit of jealousy?
He would write a power ballad about her, then go play the song for girlfriend No. 2, tell No. 2 it’s about her, and then have amazing Prince sex with her.

Does Prince question every choice he’s made or feeling he’s ever had?
Do you think he spent hours wondering if using “4” instead of “for” and “2” instead of “to” was a good idea? Or if wearing an ass-less unitard seemed too gay?

Prince rolled with his shit!

And that’s what I have to do.
Come up with shit and roll with it.
Fake it until you make it.
That’s what Prince does.

Prince doesn’t care how people perceive him. He doesn’t apologize for ANYTHING!

I’ll never forget…I was at a photo exhibit for a rock n’ roll photographer. She had these wonderfully intimate portraits and live shots of popular musicians in the early 80’s. I’m scanning the wall, studying each photograph intently. I get to a picture of Prince and it’s just of his bush.
All bush.
He was wearing a lamé speedo and had pubes coming out of every which direction.
They were slowly taking over his whole body.
I look at Prince’s smiling face. He knew his pubes were awesome. He was giving me that look, “Baby, these pubes are for you.”

So when I begin questioning myself, for example, with something like “Hey, Lauren, maybe texting that boy more than once though he never responds might seem a little dumb?” I now think, “No, no it’s not. If I were Prince, I would show up at that guy’s house in my lamé hot shorts, pubes hanging out everywhere, phallic guitar strapped to my chest, a raging jheri curl, and sing: “baby, what does it take 2 have u text me back? is it another girl? does she wear diamonds and pearls? boy, i love the way your body moves. there ain’t nothing that’s gonna keep me from u. i think i love u.”

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  • Reply Stephanie August 28, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    oh my god i love this and the first thing i notices was the pubes…my eyes were drawn there. definitely intentional.

    we all need a prince attitude & the rest of the lyrics to that song 😀

  • Reply kelsey. August 29, 2009 at 1:59 am

    this one's such a gem.

  • Reply The_Mandinator August 29, 2009 at 4:45 am

    I read this twice. I love it. I've been inspired… 🙂

    And it's okay… I open wine bottles with forks…

  • Reply Angie August 31, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Hahahaha oh god, just laughed so hard at this. Well done, Lauren. We applaud you.

  • Reply Jurgen Nation January 7, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    17 shades of awesome.

    Sending this to my friend who is good friends with him. 🙂

  • Reply That Gal Kiki January 7, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Very well done! =)

    I have the same mental training system, only it's What Would Madonna Do? Love them both.

  • Reply Angie January 7, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Haha that's an awesome piece of writing! Mind you, not the best choice if it's being submitted to the New Yorker as an example of your writing, but otherwise, it's classic!

  • Reply Tina K January 7, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    I'm assuming that, at the boy's house, there would also be some dry humping of the air/floor/boy's leg?

  • Reply Jenny January 8, 2010 at 12:12 am

    This was brilliant! I loved it, especially the end. But my honest opinion is that the subject matter and the way that it's written isn't the best showcase of your writing. It seems a little too "bloggish", instead of "commentary"
    But I guess it depends on what you're submitting it to 🙂

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 8, 2010 at 12:17 am

    thanks for your feedback everyone! i'm submitting a sample to write for a fashion/culture blog. i should have explained that early on.

  • Reply mysterg January 8, 2010 at 12:44 am

    This was AWESOME!

    Personally, I like to think: 'What would Don Draper do?' but you make a very valid point…in future I'm just going to put my pubes out there!

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ January 8, 2010 at 12:59 am

    This is effing hilarious, my mom was obsessed with Prince so she made me start watching it with her when I was 4…then once when I was 13 she then went on to tell me about the whole Tipper Gore/Purple Rain/LP warning labels thing…anywho, definitely a good post! I always think, "What Would Tyler Durden Do?" haha.

  • Reply omchelsea January 8, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Get those lame shorts run up. Quick.

  • Reply M January 8, 2010 at 5:44 pm


  • Reply Joy De Vivre Design January 10, 2010 at 4:22 am

    You are very funny! Great post! I love Prince also. I don't know how a 5', high heel wearing man can be sexy, but he is.

  • Reply mil-lee-cents January 11, 2010 at 12:31 am

    I love the way you were able to get creative with your feelings. I must learn from you as an artist. You have much to teach. I just sit in it and feel victimized. Poor me!

    I'm trying to change that now, but it will take me awhile. My writing is so young.

  • Reply The Chicks January 13, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    I love it. This totally made me laugh and I really needed that! I love Prince. He is hot no matter WHAT he's doing, saying or wearing! 🙂

    And I open wine bottles with electric drills cuz that's how I roll! 😉

  • Reply Meghan January 13, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    um… this is my favorite thing ever. new mantra. A+

    (thanks for the 20sb add! i'm new to the community and looking to get the blog rolling… you are way followed.)


  • Reply Me January 14, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    WWPD??????!!!!!! I love it!! You almost make me wanna show up at his RIGHT NOW and just let loose and figure this thang out!! WWPD dammit!!!

  • Reply Rachel January 21, 2010 at 4:34 am

    this was exactly what i needed today. i'm gonna go wine-jizz on the world now.

    the world is not thanking you, but i am.

  • Reply Janessa October 12, 2010 at 2:33 am

    epic to the 823280947348320th power.

  • Reply Crowdsourcing Your Future August 8, 2013 at 9:57 am

    […] Or sometimes it’s easier to default to what Prince would do. […]

  • Reply /KimS October 12, 2015 at 5:51 am

    What would Prince do?
    The WWPD – Selfhelp guidance. Awesome. Love that approach! This will stick with me. Thanks for the inspiration 🙂

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