Pop Culture

How To Make Kale Chips That Taste Like Ass

When I’m not eating at Taco Bueno, I sometimes eat healthy.

Actually, like most Americans, I have a completely bipolar view of food where I’ll go long stretches of eating hairy-armpit-Birkenstock-sandals food or Spaghetti-O’s.

Sometimes I’ll take the middle ground and eat Annie’s P’Sghetti Loops with Soy Meatballs.

Anyways, I’ve been on a healthy kick lately because I’ve been sick.

I’ve been hearing so much “Kale this! Kale that!” on the Internetz that I decided to jump on the foodie bandwagon and make myself kale chips.

They’re easy as shit to make.

You need: Kale, salt, tin foil, backing sheet, oven, lights so you can see what you’re doing, arms to place the chips in the oven and eyes to make sure you don’t burn yourself when taking the kale chips out of the oven. Clothing is optional. I decided to make these chips in my pjs with makeup on from the night before.


So, you see here? I’ve ripped up pieces of raw kale to look like chips and placed them on a baking sheet. Once they’re baked, these puppies are going to be tiny-ass chips. They might even taste like air once done (I’ll fast forward to the ending here: They DO taste like air once baked)


Here I drizzled oil and sprinkled sea salt onto the kale. This is the hardest part of the recipe. If you can’t do this, then I’d give up on life. Set the oven to 275 and bake the chips for 10-15 minutes. I had a picture of me doing this but it came out blurry. Try baking in one hand and taking a photo in the other. TRY IT! It ain’t easy.

When the kale is done baking, they come out looking like tiny ninja death stars. If you’re not careful, they’ll ninja-up your mouth too. These little buttfaces are sharp!

Wow. Kale chips aren’t that great. If fact, they taste like the shit that is sometime stuck underneath your pizza. No, they taste like carcinogens.

Dear God! Get this taste out of my mouth!

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  • Reply carrie July 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

    hahahahha, this might be my favorite post ever. i’m so glad that someone will step up and say that kale chips do, in fact, taste like ass. i thought i was making delishes potate chip replacements because that’s what everyone said. and they were lying.

    • Reply hipstercrite July 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

      They are liars!

  • Reply Tim July 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

    If you wanna make healthy stuff in the over I highly recommend baking broccoli or asparagus. Broccoli especially doesn’t require all the oil and the ends get all nice and crispy. Just slice them to about 1/8″ thick and put on a lightly greased baking sheet.
    Another great way to eat tons of healthy stuff is quick pickling. I eat way more vegetables if they’re pickled. And quick pickling is only like 2 steps past pour vinegar on veggies.

    • Reply hipstercrite July 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

      Oh man, Tim. You’re talking to the pickle queen. My favorite thing on the planet. Didn’t know about baking broccoli. Will try that! Thanks!

  • Reply Mitch July 19, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Some friends of mine here in PHX, AZ (Health Foodies) cook up a ‘sauce’ containing roasted red pepper, cashews, etc. and then drizzle it over the ninja throwing stars.. er.. chips. Makes for better tastes, and thus, better faces!

    • Reply hipstercrite July 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

      Mitch, that sounds delish! I love cashews on anything!

  • Reply kim July 19, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Kale is really good especially the variety you used, but for chips not so much. One way I like to use it is to cut if up like you did and add lemon and salt and after awhile it will become softer. Then add a little cheese such as parmesan shavings and whatever else you want. It really doesn’t even need dressing when you do this.

    • Reply hipstercrite July 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

      Hey Kim! Yeah, I love kale salads. I’ve learned that marinating the kale, like you said, works best! Thanks for the recipe!

  • Reply Ivan Toblog July 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I’m not going to ask the obvious question

    I’m not even going to… Oh, yes I am!

    • Reply hipstercrite July 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

      No, I’ve never tasted ass before. 😉

  • Reply Allison July 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    I will not anything JUST BECAUSE IT’S HEALTHY. You can make so many healthy dishes that taste good. I’ve heard that baking cauliflower with oil and seasoning tastes like fries. I will believe it when I try it.

    • Reply Dee October 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

      While the cauliflower don’t taste like fries, they do taste pretty good. I, however, make them less healthy by stuffing a bunch in half a pita pocket and eating them like a sandwich.

      • Reply hipstercrite October 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

        I’ve heard that people replace cauliflowers for french fries and mashed potatoes. I must try sometime!

  • Reply Adria July 20, 2012 at 12:54 am

    The kale chips that cost $8 from the store taste so good, though! Why are they so bad when I make them?!??!

    (PS: got Geoff’s letter with your message. Made my day. Will tweet a photo of it soon :))

  • Reply Christin July 20, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    i hate kale so much. i give it the skink eye when i see it at the grocery store. it’s such an asshole.

  • Reply Young Urban Amateur July 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Homemade kale chips are bullshit! The only good ones are the freeze-dried ones you buy in the store. They’re healthier than the baked ones and they taste better.

    But they’re expensive. So when I seriously care about being healthy, I just eat raw kale. It tastes like ass, but then again, it’s kale. If I wanted something that didn’t taste like ass, I’d be eating Taco Bell.

  • Reply Faux real October 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Got Dayum! Preach Sista! That Kale chip sheet everyone keeps peddling is not an oil lick, not a salt lick, but, an ass lick! Kale is great steamed the drizzled with roasted garlic and shallots… That’s right bitches- am
    Fancy like that!

    Leave the Chips to potatoes, yucca and plantains!

    Kale chips my ass! And I still hear people rave about this shit! I wanna meet the methy bastard that came with this recipe!

  • Reply Heather February 11, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    OMG! LOL! Funny post! However.. you need nutritional yeast, sea salt, garlic powder, & tumeric to make them taste good, IMO!

  • Reply Blair August 14, 2013 at 3:52 am

    I came across this article after I typed into google “my chip tastes like poo” (because it literally did).
    This is the best, most true article I have ever read.

    Thank you!

  • Reply Sam September 24, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    LOL. Thanks for the laugh. I just made kale chips and found this article. I will use this recipe in a food challenge with the family. So gross!

  • Reply Kate July 31, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Thank you for this.
    I have tried eating kale prepared every which way from Sunday & hated it each time. I vow to never eat it again. Kale fanatics think I’m a freak. I’m at peace with their assessment.

  • Reply ataraxia January 4, 2015 at 11:18 am

    What?! I live with someone who eats total carby garbage and doesn’t eat vegetables, but even *he* likes kale chips and will snarf up all I give him. As will pretty much any veggie-skeptic kid.

  • Reply Kojack October 25, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    Kale is terrible shit. Sure, its high in fiber, minerals and vitamins, but it tastes like a hairy asshole. There are ao many better veggies out there. It’s another stupid fad food, like greek yogurt, which cannot die soon enough.

  • Reply Ronnie December 31, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Get large head of cabbage . Slice down to stalk . Remove stalk slice stalk of cabbage into chips . Put on large cookie sheet soak with wine . Cook inside oven @500 * for two hours. Through in trash and go to steak house

  • Reply Gaby July 11, 2016 at 11:23 pm

    This is hilarious. I have a friend who keeps trying to get me to put Kale or Flax seeds in everything.
    It’s the worst. I’m sending her this.


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