I don’t know about you, but I blue myself when news surfaced that Arrested Development was coming back with a movie and 10 television episodes in 2013. Arrested Development is probably my favorite TV show. At one point X-files was, but I’ve come to discover that X-files doesn’t necessarily stand the test of time as well as AD does. The music and secondary actors were kind of cheesy on X-files. NOTHING ABOUT ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS CHEESY.
Now that the show is back, I’ve been fantasizing about what the Bluths have been doing all this time. I used to be really good at fan fiction writing as a teenager. Coming up with stories about Mulder and Scully doing it helped me get through puberty.
I’m going to see if I still have the fan fic chops.
The show has been off the air for five years and Michael Cera and Alia Shawcat are noticeably not fat-faced anymore. However, I freaking hate when shows or movies come back in real time. Can’t everyone just stay all Simpsons-like? Do we really want to see George Michael at college or Lucille with a dialysis bag? For example, the second X-files movie picked up 6 years after the series ended and Mulder and Scully were all domestic and bitter and sad-looking. Who wants to see that? NO ONE! So I’m going to pick up with the Bluths with where the creators left them.
The series ended with Michael and George Michael trying escape on the open sea from their wholly dysfunctional family. Their flee is cut short by Lucille’s rogue getaway on the Queen Mary.
Maeby pitches her family story to Ron Howard and he suggests that it would make a good movie.
Here is what happened afterward…
Michael and George Michael make it as far as Catalina Island before their boat runs out of gas and they become stranded. Wandering around the shopping district, Michael vows to get he and George Michael off the island and to Phoenix, Arizona once and for all. Fearful of moving into a retirement community and never seeing Maeby again, George Michael drums up the courage to tell his father that he is tired of constantly running. Michael argues with his son that their family is full of sick individuals who need help and that he no longer wants to be a pawn in their warped game. Upset, George Michael threatens to run away from his father forever and survive in the wild. Michael points out that they are on a small commercialized island.
Meanwhile, back in Long Beach, the Queen Mary is pulled over by police and Lucille and George Sr. are pursued on deck. While most of the party-goers on the boat have fled in dinghies, the only people left on the boat are the clueless hot seamen down in the engine room. George Sr. knocks one of them out and steals his outfit, only to have his protruding gut give away to police the fact that he is neither hot or a seaman. Lucille, having already come to terms with the fact that alcohol is slowly killing her, decides to speed up the process by chugging bottles of liquor at the bar. Hardened by years of drinking, Lucille is frustrated to learn that she isn’t even buzzing by the time the police find her. Back on deck, having been turned on by the commotion and Lindsey’s earlier dismissal of him, Gob sets out to win her honor by proclaiming that he can walk on water and that Lindsey should come with him. Overseeing this, Tobias becomes jealous and devises a plan to win the affections of the one he loves and get rid of Lindsey…er…he means Gob, once and for all. Tobias confronts Gob and asks him what he is doing. Later that evening. No, what he is doing with his wife? Isn’t that his sister after all? Isn’t that gross? I mean, Tobias is only his brother-in-law, so isn’t that better? Wait, that’s not what he meant.
Tobias jumps on Gob’s back thinking it is the best way to attack, but Gob is mostly confused and continues making advances at his sister. Lindsey begins beating Tobias of Gob’s back before the police arrive and arrest all three.
Within this time, Maeby has already hitched a ride over to the movie studio with releases from all of her family for a television series. She brainstorms actors that would be good for the series and surmises that Drew Barrymore would best play the role of Maeby.
Buster, having run into the seal that bit off his hand, discovers that the seal is not dangerous, but lonely and bored, much like him, and he feels a kinship to the seal. Buster promises to find a way to make him his pet and tells him to meet him later under the Newport Beach dock.
Lindsay calls Michael from jail and pleads with him to come back and help the family. Michael tells her no, but the thought of seeing his entire family behind bars gives him more pleasure than he thought humanly possible. He tells George Michael that they’re going back to Newport Beach one last time to say goodbye to his family. George Michael rolls his eyes.
Michael and George Michael arrive at the station to find their family missing. An inmate tells Michael that George Sr. pimped out Lucille to a jailhouse guard who pretends not to notice when the family flees through the AC ducts. The family accidentally makes their way to the third floor of the courthouse and gets lost. While Michael is using the courthouse restroom he hears what sounds like the muffled weeping of Tobias and he calls to him through the AC vent. Michael rescues his family and they all cram into the tiny one toilet restroom. They ask Michael to help free them and Michael is torn- does the cycle continue or does he end it here?
Fill in the ending in the comments below!