Hipstercrite Life

My Mom Blog

Mom blogs seem to be all the trend. I’m not sure why.
Don’t people relate better to self-involved twenty-something blogs? I mean reading long-winded soliloquies about ex-boyfriends and designer shoes is something we all enjoy, right?

Whether it be Dooce or The Bloggess or the ten million other popular Mom blogs, exploiting your offspring seems to be where it’s at.

Well, I never told you guys, but I have a daughter. Her name is Luanne and I gave birth to her yesterday. She’s a fantastic child. When she exited the womb she could already talk. Her first word was, “Jesus!”, but I don’t think it was in a “I love Jesus!” kind of way, but more like a, “What the fuck just happened?!” kind of way. We’ll need to teach her not to take the Lord’s name in vain.

Isn’t she a cutie patootie?

I gotta tell you though, Luanne was born hairy as shit. In my drug-induced daze I can even recall the nurses putting their hands up to their mouths and pointing. I have a feeling that the sperm bank lied to me when I asked for a Icelandic sperm. The doctor joked that I should name her “Frida”. Luckily for me, my bracketed foot was in the perfect location to kick him in the face.
Luanne loooooves going on shopping trips with me. She loves spending money. In fact, she already has a credit card but we have to put a limit on it. Otherwise that crazy little bitch will put me in the poor house, won’t you, Luanne? WON’T YOU?
Luanne also loves to help me cook. She’s a good little sport. She’ll climbed right up onto the stove and crawl over to the burner, that’s how helpful she is. In fact, usually we have to restrain her. One time when I was cutting up some vegetables she shimmied up onto my back with two knives and held them over my head for me to use. Such a good little girl.
Luanne also enjoys helping me take out the trash. I mean, maybe a little too much. She takes it out every day. In fact, one time she took the trash out without telling me and climbed into the bin and stayed there all night. The next morning the garbage truck came and took her all the way across town. I didn’t realize this until the next afternoon when we were going to sit down and watch out favorite show- Dr. Oz- together. I went outside and saw a note left on the the garbage bin that read, “Don’t come looking for me”. That little jokester. Anyways, I trekked over to the dump where I found her playing Gin Rummy with a bunch of the garbagemen.

At night, Luanne and I usually like to wind down with a nice nightcap. She has refined knowledge in mixology, let me tell you. She not only can pour them, but she can sling them back like no other. One of her favorite pastimes is making a drink in a small wash bin and climbing in with a straw. She’s a fun little girl.

I gotta say, it’s terrific being a Mom! I can’t wait to have others, but Ms. Luanne, well, she’s a handful already. This morning I found the shoestring of my sneaker tied in a knot around the side of her crib. She was playing with the string around her neck and standing on the edge of the crib, that crazy girl. Luckily, I came in before anything serious happened, but when I tried to hug her, she bit my face.

Babies. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.

What’s your favorite Mom blog?

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  • Reply Sarah Wilks February 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I love this post. Brilliant.

  • Reply erin February 28, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Ha. I think that if you talk about your kids in a way that's entertaining and charming and not all "My kids are fantastic because I am the most fantastic MOM ever!" then you can have a 'Mommy Blog' that transcends the usual term.

    BUT, this post was way better than 85% of the posts on all blogs, 'Mommy Blogs' or not.

  • Reply Youngurbanamateur February 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    I can't even think about actual Mom Blogs right now. My head is overcome by two conflicting ideas.
    1) That was creepy as hell, like the discount second-tier modern art that shows up at museums in small American cities.
    2) That was awesome and hilarious.

    Unsurprisingly, Conflicting Idea #2 is winning.

  • Reply kellynD February 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Bahahahaha I love this. I was just thinking the other day at how many blogs I read that now revolve around children and being pregnant.

  • Reply -Your Friendly Neighborhood Dentonista February 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    I am laughing my heinie off, and, for the record, I LOVE Dooce.

  • Reply Jessica February 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    No offense, but your daughter is creepy to look at.

    But damn funny to read about.

  • Reply Brooke Farmer February 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    The photos made this post!

  • Reply KeLLy aNN February 28, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    You should borrow my womb weebles.
    They'll do ya proud.
    minus the unibrow.

  • Reply IT (aka Ivan Toblog) February 28, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Luanne looks just like the kid next door, only more lively.
    His name is Bert.

  • Reply Lavina February 28, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    JUST had this conversation with my mom. She insists that the second one pops out, my once quasi- entertaining blog will turn in to a wasteland where I go to uncontrollably purge pictures of my children doing nothing onto uninterested friends and family.

    AND I don't think you can call a Disney Cruise "travel"

    Alas if I do go the way of the "Mommy Blog" I hope my subject is as awesome as yours!

  • Reply Big Mark 243 February 28, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    You do realize this is gold, right? Don't let some other psuedo-hip wankster beat you to the punch… get your hat with the light on it and a pick axe and mind this for gold… I can even see a movie in it..!

    Don''t be scairt..! Go for it..!

  • Reply The Vegetable Assassin February 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Hee. I snorted in delight at the mom blog dis.

    I don't get them either because I'm not a mom, have no desire to be one and don't really like kids at all, so I can't relate. I think people drop a sprog then their whole life and every conversation becomes about that and well. Zzzzzz. The only mommy blogs I read are people who're self deprecating and funny and can talk about other things besides the "cute" stuff their kid does.

    I only think Dooce became popular because a) she was doing it early on when there weren't many other mommy bloggers and b) she was also pretty funny back then. Now everyone thinks they can be the next Dooce when it's impossible because the competition's made it too boringly normal to be a mommy blogger and most of them are neither original in any way or all that interesting.

    Now I'd read about old unibrow Luanne any day. 🙂

  • Reply andrea February 28, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    also requirements to have a mum blog are a hipster husband and to dress your child exclusively in vintage clothes that will make him cringe when hes older.

  • Reply andrea February 28, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    also requirements to have a mum blog are a hipster husband and to dress your child exclusively in vintage clothes that will make him cringe when hes older.

  • Reply Kris February 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    I don't read any mom blogs regularly… Despite their popularity. Which made this perfect.

  • Reply Jenn - There's Your Karma February 28, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Dude, I agree – when is the self-involved twenty something trend going to happen. I want in on that action.

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    @Sarah- Ha! Thanks!

    @Erin- Totally agree. Just like everything in life, there has to be balance. Especially with writing. And thank you!

    @YUA- I love mannequins. I would have used a mannequin if I had one.

    @KellynD- Yes, mom/children blogs seem to be the majority, don't they?

    @Dentista- Her blog is great!

    @Jessica- No offense taken. She's down right butt ugly.

    @Brooke- Ha. I've had that doll sitting in my apartment for awhile now and my roommate was like, "ummm…."

    @Kelly Ann- What are womb weebles?!?

    @IT- Does Bert live with an Ernie?

    @Lavina- You should do a mommy blog. I'm sure yours will be interesting!

    @Mark- You have way too much faith in me.

    @Vegetable Assassin- Excellent points and I totally agree. Dooce wouldn't have a chance nowadays. I'm disappointed when I go to her blog now, there is really no substance anymore!

    @Andrea- And naming your kid something like Atticus or Juniper (which I probably totally would).

    @Kris- Ha! Thanks!

    @Jenn- Hahahahaha…hasn't it always been around?

  • Reply Sassy February 28, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    The fact that she has a unibrow warms my heart.

  • Reply MG February 28, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    I'll have you know that I had a unibrow as a child. It was horrific. The day my mom got it waxed for me was the best day ever. Uni on a girl = not cute. Woof.

  • Reply RenRexx February 28, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Why does your baby look asian?
    I never really it too appealing to follow blogs recounting things that weren't quite aimed at me. I tried reading "mommy blogs" but it was just so hard to follow; I quickly lost interest. I tend to follow single/break up blogs with much more interest.

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 28, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    @Sassy- F yeah she does! And I ain't plucking it. She's going to wear it proudly.

    @MG- I can see where as a child it would be horrible, but there are lots of women who embrace the unibrow now. A legio of Frida followers. I think it rocks.

    @RenRexx- Because I gauged the baby's eyes in with a screwdriver…

  • Reply cj Schlottman March 1, 2011 at 1:25 am

    Lauren, I laughed until I snorted while reading this mom blog parody! You are the bomb!


  • Reply Skeptical Czarina March 1, 2011 at 2:46 am

    Things change when you hit thirty…just sayin'

  • Reply M March 2, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Amazingness. I love this post. Cracked my shizz up.

  • Reply Skinny Dip March 3, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    I love how it looks like Luanne is drinking a long island ice-tea!

  • Reply Nicole March 3, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    I stay clear of mom blogs. I don't have any children and plan never to have any so it's hard for me to relate to mom blogs.

    However I could read about your baby Luanne all day long. I love the pics. Awesome.

  • Reply kids events in Atlanta October 27, 2011 at 2:56 am

    it seems that you love your daughter Luanne very much. in fact, there can be no reason for not loving such a lovely girl. good post.

  • Reply How to Make a Succulent Book Planter July 2, 2013 at 11:21 am

    […] baby has exited my womb to photograph and share with viewers day after day  (I do have a “baby” whose eyes I gouged in with a screwdriver […]

  • Reply Shawna September 9, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    I have tears in my eyes from laughter…no I mean the bond that you and Luanne have.

    For a Monday, this has been the best thing besides watching Eliie Goulding’s newest video on YouTube and enjoying my Valencia Orange Refresher from Starbucks.

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