Mom blogs seem to be all the trend. I’m not sure why.
Don’t people relate better to self-involved twenty-something blogs? I mean reading long-winded soliloquies about ex-boyfriends and designer shoes is something we all enjoy, right?
Whether it be Dooce or The Bloggess or the ten million other popular Mom blogs, exploiting your offspring seems to be where it’s at.
Well, I never told you guys, but I have a daughter. Her name is Luanne and I gave birth to her yesterday. She’s a fantastic child. When she exited the womb she could already talk. Her first word was, “Jesus!”, but I don’t think it was in a “I love Jesus!” kind of way, but more like a, “What the fuck just happened?!” kind of way. We’ll need to teach her not to take the Lord’s name in vain.
Isn’t she a cutie patootie?
I gotta tell you though, Luanne was born hairy as shit. In my drug-induced daze I can even recall the nurses putting their hands up to their mouths and pointing. I have a feeling that the sperm bank lied to me when I asked for a Icelandic sperm. The doctor joked that I should name her “Frida”. Luckily for me, my bracketed foot was in the perfect location to kick him in the face.
Luanne loooooves going on shopping trips with me. She loves spending money. In fact, she already has a credit card but we have to put a limit on it. Otherwise that crazy little bitch will put me in the poor house, won’t you, Luanne? WON’T YOU?
Luanne also loves to help me cook. She’s a good little sport. She’ll climbed right up onto the stove and crawl over to the burner, that’s how helpful she is. In fact, usually we have to restrain her. One time when I was cutting up some vegetables she shimmied up onto my back with two knives and held them over my head for me to use. Such a good little girl.
Luanne also enjoys helping me take out the trash. I mean, maybe a little too much. She takes it out every day. In fact, one time she took the trash out without telling me and climbed into the bin and stayed there all night. The next morning the garbage truck came and took her all the way across town. I didn’t realize this until the next afternoon when we were going to sit down and watch out favorite show- Dr. Oz- together. I went outside and saw a note left on the the garbage bin that read, “Don’t come looking for me”. That little jokester. Anyways, I trekked over to the dump where I found her playing Gin Rummy with a bunch of the garbagemen.
At night, Luanne and I usually like to wind down with a nice nightcap. She has refined knowledge in mixology, let me tell you. She not only can pour them, but she can sling them back like no other. One of her favorite pastimes is making a drink in a small wash bin and climbing in with a straw. She’s a fun little girl.
I gotta say, it’s terrific being a Mom! I can’t wait to have others, but Ms. Luanne, well, she’s a handful already. This morning I found the shoestring of my sneaker tied in a knot around the side of her crib. She was playing with the string around her neck and standing on the edge of the crib, that crazy girl. Luckily, I came in before anything serious happened, but when I tried to hug her, she bit my face.
Babies. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.
What’s your favorite Mom blog?