To My Fanny Pack

Dear Fanny Pack,

I’ll never forget the moment when I first saw you.

There you were, shining like a golden beacon from the rafters of American Apparel; nestled in between a photo of someone’s pubic hair and a shirtless factory worker riding a toy horse. The spotlight was centered on you, the LCD Soundsystem song was playing for you, every albino mannequin was pointing at you. In your shiny lamé glory you asserted, “Come to me Lauren. I am the one.”

Others came before you, but I wasn’t ready to accept their love then.

You came along at a time when I needed you most. I was downtrodden by heavy purses. You’ve made my life easier, more carefree. We go dancing and I don’t have to worry about you. There you are, clutched to my hip like a babe suckling its mother’s breast. My arms free to make a complete ass of myself as I dance alone, convinced that I’m the best Michael Jackson dancer this side of the Mississippi.

But I’m never alone when I’m with you, F- Pack.

You’re always there for me. We go to the library and small kids point and laugh at us, and there you are, brazen and strong, never ashamed of our love. We go grocery shopping and there you are, ready to hand me cash for our nightly Boone’s and greek yogurt. We go biking and there you are, ready to hand me Advil and the tiniest flask of water as I discover my knees are too weak to handle repetitive movement.

You are my legs, F to the Anny, P to the Ack.

I would go spelunking with you if we could. I mean, I guess we could? Do you want to go spelunking sometime, Fanny? Will you be my life spelunker?

Remember that time we both sat in our underwear and watched Purple Rain on loop over a three day weekend? You held my white cheddar Cheezits while I disapprovingly shook a snow-dipped cheesy finger at the screen every time Appolonia opened her mouth. That was fun, Fan-Pac-Man. I have so much fun with you!

And at the end of the day, Fa Pa, you are there to cuddle on my stomach as I drift off to a dreamland where sparkling outdated clothing accessories are accepted and appreciated.

I appreciate you, Fanny.

Fanny Pack, I don’t know what I’d do without you. In the short time that we’ve known each other, you’re already starting to show some wear and tear. Your glistening lamé cracking with the elements. Please don’t leave me, FP . You’re the only thing I’ve got! You and that bottle of Boone’s.

Your One and Only Hip.

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  • Reply Melanie's Randomness July 7, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    aww I loved this post. I have a fanny pack that I wear when I go into NYC. I know it's retro but the memories are too good with it! Ode to the fannies! The Purple Rain part made me laugh! Good times!

    Hey girl I'm also running a giveaway at my blog.Give it a look if you get a chance! =) Thanks!
    iitala Essence Set of Two Champagne Flutes

  • Reply Ella July 7, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    I got a fanny pack when I was in Disney World.

    It was the best thing ever.

    My dog ate it when I got home.

    RIP my Winnie the Pooh Fanny Pack.

  • Reply IT July 7, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    I was thinking the Fanny Pack were groupies. Ya know like Fanny Hill has her Fanny Pack… or Fanny Brice?


  • Reply Emily July 7, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    I had one of these in the early 90's, I remember it vividly because it was multi-coloured and had dolphins on it.

    In the UK they're called 'bumbags', I'm not sure whether I prefer that or fanny pack.

  • Reply Kate July 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    You make me want a fanny pack. Or bum bag, as Emily informed you we call them in UK. I prefer bum bag cos it doesn't have the word fanny it. That word makes me giggle. Fanny. Teehee.

    Kate x

  • Reply the eternal worrier: July 7, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    No…Fanny packs are so wrong. get help now!

  • Reply Corte Inglesa July 7, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    I used to have a diesel one and I wore it for a year straight. Wish i still had it.

  • Reply Sophie Neutron July 7, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    I don't know why people tease them. They're great.
    I've owned a few myself. My favorite was the bright pink, with green stripes, one I had as a kid. Oh how I miss you Pockets.

    We call them Bum Bags here in Australia too.
    Well, the word Fanny doesn't have the same meaning here…think, front side of a woman, as apposed to the back side.
    I guess you could say, it has the opposite meaning.

  • Reply TabithaVenasse July 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    I think I still have my Walt Disney World fanny pac somewhere. I still use them when I go to amusement parks, because I think I'm cool like that. Or something.

  • Reply Big Mark 243 July 7, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    I thought it was an ode to the lame girl rap duo… que sera, this was hyped an celebration of the Fanny Pack as any I've ever read.

  • Reply Jo July 8, 2010 at 9:32 am

    You're lucky have an accessory that has served you so well…

    Congratulations to the both of you!

  • Reply steff July 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    you are a braver woman than i. or maybe just more of a hipster… not sure.
    ANYWAY, the last time i wore a fanny pack was during a trip to Italy during highschool where we were told we would be pick-pocketed if we didn't conceal our valuables.
    i was so mortified at the prospect of even being ASSOCIATED with an f-pac that i wore it UNDER my clothes.
    yeah, im sure it looked waaaaaaaaaay better that way…

  • Reply Hipstercrite July 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    @Melanie- What does your fanny pack look like?

    @Ella- You should get a new one!

    @IT- Hahaha….

    @Emily- I heard a hard lesson about the terminology of the word "fanny" in the UK yesterday….

    @Kate- Fanny makes me think of a super cool old Southern lady.

    @Worrier- No! You will see the light soon enough. They will change your life!

    @Corte- Oooh….what does a Diesel fanny pack look like? I bet it's snazzy!

    @Sophie- I like the word vagina pack. I'm going to call my fanny pack a vagina pack now and tell everyone who asks why what I learned from my wonderful readers!

    @Tabitha- Sounds like a lot of fanny packs were purchased in Disneyland. We should change the name to Fannyland.

    @Big Mark- What there really a band called Fanny Pack?

    @Jo-…..thanks? 😉

    @Steff- Maybe I'm just dumb? The fanny pack is still pretty f'ing ugly!

  • Reply Angie July 8, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    I'm happy for you and Fannny, truly. Sounds like a once in a lifetime relationship.

  • Reply Fashion By He July 8, 2010 at 4:30 pm


    -He does not approves

  • Reply nicopolitan July 9, 2010 at 12:45 am

    De-lurking here because I nearly lost it when you referred to it (her? him?) as F- Pack. And then this letter kept going and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing in my office and now my lip is bleeding.

    I mean, I am not doubting the love here, but holy cow.

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