I adore food, but I would never call myself a foodie.
I don’t dress myself up as a giant pickle spear and have sex with someone dressed as a slice of Swiss cheese.

Or is that a furry?

What is a person called who dresses up in food-related furry costumes?
A furdy?

I can just picture too sweaty and horny restaurant mascots eyeballing each other from across their respective street corners, ready to smack their pizza and submarine sandwich costumes against each other in the middle of the street. Then a giant taco comes out of nowhere and joins the fun and I’m standing there wondering how the hell I can join and….

What I mean is, that though I don’t know the difference between where the brisket and the shank cuts are on a cow (though I should as it was one of the few items I recall being taught for my screenwriting degree at my overly-priced hippie college), it doesn’t mean that I won’t put it in my mouth.

And I watch a lot of Man Vs. Food. A lot.
If you know what I mean…

Food is a topic I’ve never written about on my blog. It’s one of those subjects that is so obvious, yet so precious to me, I have difficulty finding the words to articulate how I feel about it. When writing reviews of food, I typically only have two comments, “(Insert food name) tastes good in here!” (points to stomach) or “(Insert food name) made me crap all night.”

I’m not even sure I appreciate good food when I come across it. All I know is that I love all of it. Take for example, my favorite place to eat in Austin, Texas has a conveyor belt that rotates tiny plates of cheap sushi across my face. I’ve eaten everywhere from places owned by Ashton Kutcher (like that really means anything) to roadside diners in New Mexico, and there is absolutely no difference to me.

Other things I know about myself and my relationship to food are:

– I’m an only child therefore prone to not sharing my food. In fact, I’ve been known to hunker down and scowl when anyone asks for a bite of my food. There exists an infamous moment when my 10th grade “boyfriend” asked me for a bite of my pickle and I quickly exclaimed, “NO!” and pulled my pickle away and my mother yelled at me and then bought me a pickle ornament that Christmas to remind me of how selfish I am.

– The only time I will share food is when I no longer want it. Last weekend, sitting next to my ex, I instinctively turned to him and said, “Here! Eat the rest of my hot dog, will you?” He looked at me as though I was holding a steaming pile of shit. Maybe it should have been?

– I think about what I’m going to eat throughout the day the moment I wake up in the morning.

– I’m surprised that I don’t weigh 700 pounds

– I’ve been complimented on my picturesque salad making abilities many times.

– My favorite food until the day I die is sourdough bread with butter and strawberry jam.

– That this post ended up being exactly what I thought it be: pointless and boring.

What is your absolute most favorite food?

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  • Reply Linda July 9, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    lol oh dear. she bought you a pickle ornament for christmas to remind you how selfish you were. i had to stifle a laugh at work.

    my favorite food would be bun rieu that my mom makes. a crab tomato noodle soup. it's my favorite because 1. it's delicious and 2. i haven't able to find it any where, making it seem like the holy grail.

  • Reply WILDasaMINK July 9, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    stop it with your giggle-inducing posts; I'm at work and should not be heard laughing at my desk, as this for sure means I am not working.
    The pickle ornament–did you know that actually that ornament is part of a tradition. Every year at xmas, you're supposed to hide it somewhere on the xmas tree, and then when you have people over, whomever spots it first gets a prize. I didn't know this until a few years ago when at my sister's I said, "why the heck do you have a pickle on your tree" and yay–I think I won a Magic Bullet (speaking of food, that shit blends everything you put in it).

  • Reply Hipstercrite July 9, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    @Linda- That sounds freakin' AMAZING! I'm Googling it right now.

    @Mink- Yes, I vaguely heard about the tradition afterward. Isn't it German?
    When you said Magic Bullet, I thought you meant the vibrator.

  • Reply Maria Elise July 9, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Now THAT (magic bullet) would make a badass Xmas ornament!

  • Reply Adria July 9, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Not boring at all…sometimes I think I'm the only one.

    Although, I'm addicted to sharing. I always prefer sharing two menu items with a friend, then we get to have BOTH!

    And jam and sourdough=BLISS!

  • Reply One Blonde Girl July 9, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    I've always wanted a pickle for my Christmas tree. Seriously. Not only do I have an unhealthy love for pickles (and their yummy juices), hanging a pickle on your tree is a German tradition, and as my paternal side of the family is German, I thought it would be cool.

    While we're on the topic of pickles, they were never, and I mean NEVER, meant to be shared. Want a pickle? Go buy your own damn jar.

    I will not share food either. I eat my food in a certain way (freak flag!) that ensures I'll get the best part last. Sharing would ruin that joy for me. Plus, I work hard for my food. Go make your own damn S'Mores!

  • Reply One Blonde Girl July 9, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    @ WILDasaMINK- I was confused by the Magic Bullet reference as well. Which came first, the blender or the vibrator?

  • Reply Big Mark 243 July 10, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Oh… I think I could eat a loaf of sourdough bread with strawberry jam and butter in one sitting after reading about it!

    btw… watch the movie 'Slacker' if you haven't already!!

  • Reply Punky July 10, 2010 at 2:38 am

    UGH! I needed to read this post! I just had multiple conversations (because I keep bringing it up) about how I LOVE *sigh* FOOD!! ALL OF IT!

    mmm…All I can think about most of the day is food and why it's a cruel punishment that I have to monitor my intake so I don't become an old, sad, lonely, whale.

  • Reply Aaron the Truck Driver July 10, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Looks like Gumby, dammit

  • Reply cj Schlottman July 11, 2010 at 4:27 am

    You've done it again – almost made me wet my pants! The very idea of all those furdies in the middle of the street and you jumping into the pile just slays me.
    I always hide a pickle ornament on my Christmas tree, and the one who finds it gets a prize. Start thinking about yours as a prize and not a memory of being chastised!
    And, oh, please, no more self-deprecation. This post is a gem – light years from pointless or boring. It is funny and true. It's you.

  • Reply Kerri July 11, 2010 at 6:17 am

    oh, that looks like gumby to me!

    hm…my favorite food? probably cinnamon toast- which i have had every single morning for as long as i can remember! 🙂

  • Reply Hannah Miet July 11, 2010 at 8:15 am

    I love food so much that I hate food. Not much of a food writer either.

    Good sushi and cookies are tied for my favorite foods. Though nothing really beats brunch foods. Eggs in a basket, hash browns, bloody marys.

  • Reply Sadako July 12, 2010 at 4:19 am

    The only thing creepier than furries would be furdies. Blech!

  • Reply rae July 12, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    I like pizza and ice cream. All kinds of pizza, and most kinds of ice cream.

    Sushi is good. Thanks for the hot tip.

  • Reply Eric Jess November 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Sushi! 🙂

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