What I Learned While On Vacation with My Mother in New York

1. ) I erroneously figured that of all people on this wonderful and diverse planet, my 82 year-old Jewish Grandmother would share the same amount enthusiasm for the lamé fanny pack as I. Imagine my genuine surprise when she did not. In fact, when I showed her the image of the fanny pack online, and with high inflection said, “You want one of those?”, she wrinkled up her nose and gave me a look that said, “Do I look like a huge asshole?”. A wave of heartbreak overcame me. Of all people! The woman who wears heels to the gym!
I momentarily had forgotten that she was the sovereign of fashion in the family and she immediately washed away my forlorn with the offer of her laced trimmed black leggings (In this photo, she is wearing my nonprescription American Apparel glasses. She is being ironic).

2.) Pilots that misjudge how much fuel the airplane has and then break the door to the craft, are asked not to fly your plane any longer. In fact, the airline will ask an off-duty pilot sitting in seat 1A to fly the plane instead.

3.) No amount of alcohol drunk from tiny bottles will make you feel better about #2.
Or #1 for that matter.

4.) Since leaving my home state of New York, it appears that a bunch of *Superstars!* have taken over the place. They get their own parking spots too. They also carry around books that say, “To Serve Man” (a single piece of Slim Jim mailed to the person who can guess that reference).

5.) Apparently people stopped wearing shirts in my hometown too. So Central NY is filled with *Shirtless Superstars!* (imagine that being said very enthusiastically by someone like Nathan Lane. Or Andy Dick.)

6.) Sometimes people that you graduated high school with still live in your hometown. Sometimes they work dead-end jobs. Sometimes they look like they’ve aged twenty years. Sometimes the highlight of their week is going to the local bar.
Sometimes you really envy them for all these things.

7.) Sometimes you sound like a elitist snob.

8.) I’ve seen heaven. And it looks like a giant cheese factory off the Pacific Coast. But hanging out with this dog is a close second. Her name is Lucy and I once caught her spooning me. I’m not kidding. I woke up next to her lovingly gazing into my eyes with a single paw outstretched across my stomach.
I also didn’t recall the events of the previous evening.
While glancing towards the nightstand, I noticed a small smudge of residue on the rim of my water glass…

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  • Reply Tennyson ee Hemingway October 2, 2009 at 5:18 am

    To Serve Man, I was going to say was from the Simpsons. Now I'm not so sure. Because I think it's actually How to Serve Man. And it might even be How to Cook and Serve Man. I think I'm getting confused.

  • Reply Hipstercrite October 2, 2009 at 5:21 am

    HAHAHA! Hemingway, you are halfway there! That Simpsons episode also referred to it….
    You're close….

  • Reply Michelle October 2, 2009 at 6:00 am

    IF I'm not mistaken (which I might be, as I didn't Google to check since I'm a good commenter) To Serve Man is a short story by Ray Bradbury about aliens that come & help out everyone on earth and then they leave a book behind titled "To Serve Man". That was a cookbook. WAIT. No, it was a Twilight Zone episode wasn't it? I think that's it.

    I'm a vegetarian so I'll pass on the Slim Jim though. The dog is adorable!

  • Reply Nomad October 2, 2009 at 6:31 am

    go grandma!

  • Reply Hipstercrite October 2, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    michelle, do they make vegetarian slim jims? do you know?

  • Reply Hannah October 2, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    7.) Sometimes you sound like a elitist snob.

    Oh man. I have never been to central New York, but whenever I return to the suburbs(where I went to high school), I feel the same way. I see the cheerleader who once tripped me in the hallway working at a deli counter, 20 lbs overweight, talking about getting "crunk" at a townie bar. I end up feeling too sad to do a victory dance. But I kind of am an elitest snob. So, whatever.

    I love your lists. And your grandma rockin' the ironic shades.

  • Reply Hannah Miet October 2, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    That was me, by the way.

    Apparently, I have another account. Because "Hannah" without the "Miet" means I'm incognito.

  • Reply Esmerelda October 2, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Is it possible to be an elitist snob but still live in your hometown? If so, that's me.

  • Reply nicopolitan October 2, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    I feel like we need that NBC star to sparkle across the screen reading "The More You Know".

    Wait: http://thegurglingcod.typepad.com/thegurglingcod/images/2008/02/12/the_more_you_know2.jpg

    Lastly, your grandma owns.

  • Reply mysterg October 2, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    1.) "Do I look like a huge asshole?" = Genius!

    6.) Amen sister!

    7.) Ditto!

    8.) The dog was the big spoon? When is the litter due?!

  • Reply Polly Syllabick October 3, 2009 at 2:19 am

    Oh GOD, I am SO happy you are posting again. That was a long stretch.

    PS: WTF happened with the pilot?

  • Reply Eric Shonkwiler October 4, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Finally got around to reading your blog. I second Nico.

  • Reply Stephanie October 5, 2009 at 12:33 am

    Grandma is cute

  • Reply Chelsea Talks Smack October 5, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    oh my gosh- I love you. lol. This blog made me laugh #2 and #3 totalllly

  • Reply Hipstercrite October 5, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    thanks everyone. if my grandma understood what a blog was, she'd thank you too.

  • Reply Angie October 6, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Wait hold the phone… fanny packs are back in style? I'm totally IN!

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ October 6, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Oh, the Twilight Zone!
    Glad it looks like you had a good time.

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ October 6, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    I actually just edited my entry a bit, because I had called it rather drabby…but I think I'll put that back in now 🙂 thanks for the reassurance!

  • Reply Knucklehead October 8, 2009 at 12:53 am

    Loved number six! Very clever blog, just discovered you through the maniacal Mr. Condescending. Great stuff!

  • Reply Organic Meatbag October 16, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Hmmmmm, I have decided that you are a cool cat and I am now following you…in fact, I just followed you into your kitchen…are you going to eat that sandwich?

  • Reply Erin Michelle October 27, 2009 at 4:57 am

    oh my goodness i just got distracted on your blog for an over an hour and way past my bed time! i am going to hypothetically charge you for all the coffee i will need tomorrow!
    anyways very much like the bloggy, i'm in austin too for precisely one year… i was going to "tag" you with this "tag" i received but its definitely not very cool so i'm not going to anymore… but anyways just saying HI! 🙂 and here's the tag if you want it! http://adventure986.blogspot.com/

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