Trader Joe’s Austin
Dear Mr. Joe,
DUDE! WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU OPENING UP IN AUSTIN, HUH?!?!
Excuse me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. Let me regain my composure.
I’m just really really anxious about your impending arrival in our fair city.
Last year, you teased us with the news of your future opening in Austin like a laser pointer being aimed straight above a cat’s face.
YOU, SIR, ARE THE STUPID LASER POINTER AND WE ARE THE CATS!
YOU LEFT US AIMLESSLY PAWING AT THE FRIGGIN’ WALLS, oops, sorry, I mean, you left us aimlessly pawing at the walls, hoping, praying that we will somehow feel your physical presence.
Your establishment is a big deal to us Austinites since at one point or another we’ve experienced you in another city.
We got to try your fine $2.99 libations and magical cookie butter and the luscious tastes have never left our trembling lips.
You left an impression on us, sir. We dream about you often, in tropical Technicolor of reds, yellows and blues.
I’ve been a lazy blogger over the past few weeks, but FUCK!, it was the holidays and the holidays are confusing and disorienting and make you want to live on the couch for a month while gorging yourself with White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles.
What I have not been is a lazy writer and somehow I’ve managed to stumble through my month-long writer’s block and spew out a bunch of stuff.
So, because I’m a lazy blogger this month, I’m going to be super-ass lame and share with you a couple of articles I wrote on other sites, but ones I’m particularly proud of. I hope you enjoy! Regular blogging will resume shortly and I think my first post will be about “moochetarians”, the title given to a person who is vegetarian except when someone gives them free food- then they will eat a pig’s entire face if they have to.
Holy Mother of God! H&M is opening in Austin this Saturday 11/17 at The Domain.
Here are the top ten reasons why I’m so f’ing excited:
1.) Located at The Domain, we will be as far away from the “F1 people” as possible.
2.) I can finally feel good about my tax money going towards the construction of the monstrosity known as The Domain.
3.) I can stop feeling culturally inferior to my friends in NYC and LA.
4.) Since H&M will be located closer to the Ikea in Round Rock, we can propose to the city that we have an annual “Happy Swedish Products in America Day” and take the day off to get lost in both stores.
5.) We no longer have to start hyperventilating when we come across a rare, used H&M clothing item at one of Austin’s thrift or vintage stores.
6.) With over 24,000 square feet and two stories of retail space, it will be easier for me to hide behind a row of clothing and get locked in the store overnight.
7.) We no longer have to carry an extra empty (more…)
Hallelujah! Trader Joe’s is coming to Austin!
Here are the top ten reasons I just pissed my pants.
1.) I can finally try whatever the hell this gift from God is:
It tastes like gingerbread AND crushed biscuits! (pic by Chrissie!)
2.) I can pretend that I know a lot about wine because the walls of my house will be lined with Two Buck Chuck.
3.) I will no longer have to overdose on Xanax to fight the hordes of college students while getting lost at HEB Hancock.
4.) When I need a Chinese Orange Chicken fix, I no longer have to drive all the way to Panda Express with the look of a crack addict fighting withdrawal. I can buy this:
5.) I can stop crying on a nightly basis.
6.) I can pretend that I know how to cook because Trader Joe’s has THE MOST AMAZING GOURMET FREEZER FOOD ON THE PLANET!!!!!
7.) I can pull my Hawaiian shirt out of the closet and wear it proudly because a Trader Joe’s style trend will catch like wildfire in Austin.
8.) I can stick my face in this: