Writing

Awards & Secrets

My blog has won an award. I’m not sure how, but it did.
Someone cool (cool= lives in Chelsea and talks about masturbation) actually liked my blog enough to mention it in her blog and give me an the “Honest Scrap Award.”

Her name is Hannah Miet* and her hair makes me think of LES circa 1977. Or Gene Wilder. 
Either way, I’m jealous.
Check out her blog, My Soul is a Butterfly. You won’t be disappointed. She’s a fantastic writer and has quickly become one of my favorite bloggers. Her wit and honesty is refreshing.

THE HONEST SCRAP AWARD

I’m not sure where this award originated from but it appears that I’m now obligated to tell ten secrets about myself and award ten blogs that I fancy. Unfortunately,  I only have 5 secrets and 3 blogs. Quality over quantity I always say, but the truth is, I have the attention span of a retarded squirrel when it comes to following instructions.

For those who want to follow the instructions:
1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must (more…)
August 1, 2009 by
Writing

Mannequin Babies

Mannequin babies like to go to work with Mommy wearing the same exact outfit.
Skippy is giving Mommy problems with his beret. He keeps wanting to take it off.
Mommy doesn’t understand why Skippy keeps taking off the wool beret.
Mommy is wearing the beret so Skippy has to wear it too.
The beret makes you look nice, Skippy!
Don’t take off the damn beret!


This kid is a real pain in the ass, Mommy thinks.
So what if it’s 102 degrees out?
The beret compliments the outfit!
The outfit will not be the same without the beret!
Mommy and Skippy have to match!


Smile for the camera, Skippy!
Look up!
Don’t touch the damn beret or we’re going back inside and we’re changing out of matching outfits.
You want that?
I didn’t think so.
Now smile.
SMILE!


Look in that window, Skippy.
See what happens to mannequin babies that talk back to Mommy?
They get placed in American Apparel windows and forced to wear lamé leggings.
You don’t want your bow tie taken away from you, do you?
DO YOU?

July 29, 2009 by
Austin

Austin Day 302 Pt. 1 (Klosterman)

This weekend was epic. It was objective. It started where it all began….

Saturday 7/25 1:01PM
…At Jo’s Coffee on South Congress. A scenester joint that never expires in people watching options. The last time I wrote in this journal, I spoke of a lone cow named Molly who daydreams about taking a road trip. It was my five second attempt at writing a children’s story. It was boring.
I have a run in my pantyhose. However, it’s only in one leg. So does that make it a run in my pantyho?
I’m trying my best to look like Deborah Harry today because I’m going to an 80’s dance party/concert this evening fronted by a blind keyboardist with a foot fetish*.
Every time I attempt to look like Deborah Harry I’m disappointed because I realize that I look nothing like Deborah Harry and no amount of red lipstick and hair bleach will change that. She has a near perfect face. I’m told I look like Sarah Jessica Parker. She has a very imbalanced face. I’m not saying she’s ugly. I’m just saying that her eyes are (more…)
July 27, 2009 by
Writing

California Select at American Apparel

Today, my mug made the American Apparel Daily Update email. I’m not sure how and why for I’m probably the least American Apparel looking employee that ever existed.
See? Do I look like them???

Oops….never mind…
Anyways…
The photo and update above are advertising American Apparel’s vintage line, California Select.
Select American Apparel retail stores in North America, Europe, and Australia carry hand-picked vintage items from around the world. You can see examples of the items we carry at our Cali Select blog. Yes, come look at us silly hipsters frolicking through L.A., NYC, and Austin wearing stuff we used to make fun of our parents for having in their closets.
*Side note- I work at American Apparel on the weekend. I work at this fantastic multi-media production company in Austin during the week. We’re called Super!Alright! and we are super alright.
July 22, 2009 by
Writing

When Parents Join Facebook!

God, I remember the day like it was yesterday.

It was a Monday.
Just like any other Monday, really.

I was sitting at my desk, fielding through emails and phone calls as usual.
A notice popped up saying I had a new message in my personal inbox.
Wow…looking back, it feels like everything happened in slow motion after that…

I remember dragging the cursor to the open web browser. I remember the placement of the web browser window on my desktop. Not a full screen, and a little off to the right. I remember that the sun was shining and it was 72 degress. I remember that I was wearing a green “Ramones” shirt and I was smiling…
I was smiling.

Then I remember seeing in big black bold letters:
“Your father wants to be your friend on Facebook!”

NOOOOOO!!!!!
How did this happen???

I stared at the email for a good five minutes. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move.
I didn’t know what to do.
Do I befriend my father and risk him exposing the pseudo-literate/cultured facade I’ve worked so hard to create for my (more…)
July 16, 2009 by
Writing

When Mustachioed Acquaintances Offer You Sex

While wandering my favorite book store in search of that hidden, unmarked book that only I will see that will give me the answers to all of life’s problems, my pocket vibrates and I look down to see an incoming text that reads, “I can offer you sex and only that.”

 Hm. Intriguing.
This text came from a young gentleman I’ve known for a little over six months now. We’re both only children and narcissists, so throwing us in a room together is like watching Truman Capote and Andy Warhol trying to put sticks of dynamite up each other’s asses (that made sense in my head).
He’s a good looking young man with the charm of Warren Beatty, the tongue of Oscar Wilde, the mustache of a Ron Jeremy, and the chest hair of Burt Reynolds. On paper, he’s the man that I’ve dreamt about since I was four.
He also has the ego the size of the entire continent of South America. Though I’m typically attracted to the illusion that egocentricity brings, the reality is, I want to slap him upside the head every (more…)
July 15, 2009 by
Writing

The Terrible Things We Do to One Another

I’m working on a project titled, “The Terrible Things We Do to One Another”.

It will be a collection of first hand examples of the terrible things we do to one another in love & relationships because of fear/insecurity/anger etc. Outside of religion, I can’t think of any other circumstance where humans can act so blatantly irrational.
This idea came off the heels of the passing of a two month “stepping out with” a sweet, older gentleman (that made him sound 80 years old). It’s just that “dating” does not seem appropriate in this situation, but neither does “hooking up” when you’re talking about someone who is twelve years older than you and actually cares enough to take you out to dinner. He did everything right in regards to “breaking up” with me (is it breaking up if it’s not dating? Maybe he “unstepped out with me”? Or he is now “stepping in”?) It was the first time I encountered a man who did not do something completely clueless, cold, or irrational to me. In fact, it was easy (more…)
July 14, 2009 by
Writing

My New Favorite Thing: American Apparel’s Le Sac


I used to hate the Le Sac dress at American Apparel. You know, that huge sheet of fabric on a string that you walk by at the store and go, “How in God’s name…?”

I used to glare at it and curse it, and occasionally throw it on the ground while trying it on. I would watch the instructional videos of all the different styles to wear, somehow get caught lopsided in the dress, and end up crying and feeling extremely defeated by a large piece of cotton.
In my mind I thought the dress would serve a better purpose as a tent. There was no reason why one should have to think about how to put on an article of clothing! None! I want to be brainless while putting clothing on in the morning.
Then the other day, a friend walked me step by step through a couple of different styles.

A light bulb went off.

This sh** is easy!
And it looks super cute too!
Ever since then I’ve been a Le Sac machine; changing into a different style every two hours. Who needs a stylist when you can constantly reinvent your own (more…)
July 2, 2009 by
Writing

Jumping on the MJ Band Wagon

I didn’t care very much either way for Michael Jackson growing up.

Wait, I take that back.

When I was eight years old I was OBSESSED with the song, “Black or White”. 
My primary colored cassette player for toddlers broke after playing the single for two months straight. I also would be lying if I didn’t say that when “HIStory” came out, my best friend Angela and I would preform our own interpretive dance to “Earth Song” in front of (my still favorite) VHS camcorder.  Like every adult in 1979, my parents owned “Off the Wall” and like every child of the 80’s, I remember being told that “Thriller” was the coolest thing I’ll ever see in my lifetime. When the pedophilia allegations occurred in the early 90’s and early 2000’s, I rolled my eyes and let out a joke or two like everyone else. Other than that, I didn’t think about Michael Jackson much. I was never proactive in putting an MJ song on, but if I came across one, I wouldn’t turn it off.
With all that being said, I have had THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE (more…)
June 26, 2009 by
Writing

Tour Guides at the Alamo…

…Don’t like being asked where the basement is.
I already checked.
(One day, I will do a study on the percentage of people who ask that daily at the Alamo. I’m guessing it’s somewhere around 7%).

People in San Antonio just don’t get Pee-Wee!

However, the people in Austin do.
Austin hearts Pee-Wee big time.
Enough to have a PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE bike-in this weekend.
Yeah, you heard me. Bike-in.
The Alamo Drafthouse and Rolling Roadshow presented an outdoor screening of the classic movie on a patch of eastside grass. A soggy patch of eastside grass. You see, it rained earlier that evening and most folks thought the event was cancelled, so the excitement leading up to the event was dampened by dampness. However, that didn’t stop the hardcore PW fans from showing up in full costume and quoting every single freaking line in the movie. I have to say, the highlight of the evening was watching the crowd’s response to Pee-Wee singing, “The stars at night are big and bright….”
May 26, 2009 by