While wandering my favorite book store in search of that hidden, unmarked book that only I will see that will give me the answers to all of life’s problems, my pocket vibrates and I look down to see an incoming text that reads, “I can offer you sex and only that.”
When Mustachioed Acquaintances Offer You Sex
This text came from a young gentleman I’ve known for a little over six months now. We’re both only children and narcissists, so throwing us in a room together is like watching Truman Capote and Andy Warhol trying to put sticks of dynamite up each other’s asses (that made sense in my head).
He’s a good looking young man with the charm of Warren Beatty, the tongue of Oscar Wilde, the mustache of a Ron Jeremy, and the chest hair of Burt Reynolds. On paper, he’s the man that I’ve dreamt about since I was four.
He also has the ego the size of the entire continent of South America. Though I’m typically attracted to the illusion that egocentricity brings, the reality is, I want to slap him upside the head every time he opens his mouth.
Though we do not get along, there seems to exist a mild interest in one another. We’ll occasionally meet up, talk over one another, make thinly disguised jabs at each other’s character flaws, and part ways. One time, in the middle of a friendly drink, I stood up and said, “I’m leaving” and I left.
Since that evening, we’ve exchanged pleasant texts here and there but I was surprised (why should I have been?) to see such a blatant statement come across my phone. I asked him why he was giving me the honor to have sex with him and he stated, “Because you’re lonely”.
Well shit, ain’t it my lucky day!? A self-absorbed 23 year-old actor just offered to have sex with me because he thinks I’m lonely! Gosh, what did I deserve to receive this gift from above?
In the past I would have gone off on a tirade about his arrogance and presumptuousness, but I don’t know if it was my concern for the man moaning every five seconds sitting next to me or the Hanik Kureishi book about abandoning your family that I was reading, but I opted to take the gentle approach and politely decline his offer. I texted back, “No thank you” and continued my quest for the Holy Grail of books.
My knight in self-reflective armor began back-peddling his bold statement by saying it would be a “fun”, “mutual”, and “meaningful” experience. I explained to him that I was not in a place in my life where I enjoyed such novelty experiences (though I really really wish I did…but not with conceited wannabe actors from El Paso) and that was that.
I wish I had a better ending for this story.
Let’s imagine that I duped him into coming over, I handcuffed him to my bed, and I began lecturing him for four hours on how to respect women.