20-Something, Featured, Hipstercrite Life

Hey Lady, Quit Acting Like An Insecure Hot Mess

9 Comments 11 February 2014

crazygf Hey Lady, Quit Acting Like An Insecure Hot Mess hipstercrite featured 20 something  why you should trust your boyfriend trusting relationships jealously is unattractive jealous girlfriends insecurity in relationships insecure hot mess featured dating crazy girlfriend

I rarely talking about dating on this blog (I used to more often when I was an early twenty-something hot, steamin’ pile o’ mess and dated a bunch of douchebags), but I don’t pretend that I know any more than anyone else about anything in life. We bloggers sometimes get all high and mighty about telling people what to do- wear this outfit! eat at this restaurant! stare at this picture of my child AND cat!- but in this case, I feel compelled to jump up on my wobbly Ikea-made soapbox and reprimand some of my lady-folk (<– this paragraph is my disclaimer in case I get attacked).

Ladies, I’ve been hearing more and more stories lately about beautiful, smart, electrifying and sensational women who get all crazy-like and start peeping through their completely trustworthy boyfriend’s phone or freaking out when he has lunch with a lady-friend or exchanges words with an ex he’s on good terms with. Some of these stories are shared by the women themselves, while others are shared by disgruntled boyfriends.

Quit being a fool, yo!

It’s unattractive and it’s going to hurt your relationship. Deep down, you already know this because you’re smart (and beautiful and wonderful).

But somewhere deep down, your insecurities are trumping all the brains and beauty.

If you’re with a good guy, and you probably are because you’re smart and beautiful, you need to trust him. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Unless you’ve caught him soliciting sex to others on Craigslist or he’s keep a scrapbook of his ex-gf , don’t assume that he’s going to fail you.

I’m saying this not because I’m such a wise woman who has had perfect relationships (I’ve never been a jealous girlfriend, but between the ages of 20-25, I definitely had my drunk texting phase where one  minute I would tell the dude to get lost, and when he didn’t respond 60 seconds later, I would text him that it’s OK if he wanted to come over AND I dated many, many men who failed me because I went after those men), but because I want all the smart and beautiful lady-friends out there to know that they’re totally worth it and they need to kick that insecurity to the curb. Give yo’ man (or woman) the benefit of the doubt, and if he fucks it up, that’s when you can get all weird on him.

I’m also saying this ’cause you’re going to totallllly f up your relationship. If you haven’t noticed, men don’t like being treated as though they’re under interrogation on a regular basis. You wouldn’t either. You have male friends, right? So why can’t he have female friends? You’re friends with some of your exes, right? So why can’t he? You trust yourself and he trusts you, so why can’t you trust him?

WHYYYYY?!?!

I have heard a couple of stories of smart and beautiful lady-friends (the kind that men chase after) looking through their boyfriend’s phones because…who knows why? Even when one of them found something that made her a little uneasy (her boyfriend had been platonically texting with his ex), she couldn’t tell him because she didn’t want him to know that she had been looking through his phone. Now she had all this anxiety stuffed inside her brain that she couldn’t release. Don’t do that to yourself, ladies! Again, unless you catch him chasing an American Apparel employee with his pants around his ankles or he tells you that he’s “polyamorous,” chill the f out. I’d like to point out that both of these ladies are no longer with their partners because you can only sustain that sort of anxiety/insecurity in a relationship for so long. Even if you don’t give a shit whether or not how this affects your boyfriend, just think about how it affects you. Are you stressed all of the time thinking about it? Wouldn’t it be nice to be relaxed?

OK, I’m climbing down off of my soapbox now.

Ladies, let’s get our shit together. We’re awesome. Remember that.

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Your Comments

9 Comments so far

  1. I’ve heard many people say that a little jealousy is healthy and it is sooooo not true. Jealousy and insecurity are a great way to put a huge strain on your relationship. I know, because I do it. I usually keep it all in my head, and I never say anything to the BF….. because deep down I know he’s honest and committed. I did side-eye a girl at the Drafthouse once who would not stop complimenting his shirt, and like walked with us part way to the car to chat with him. But a lot my insecurity comes from the fact that people feel the need to remind me that my boyfriend is skinnier than me. That I somehow am not worthy of a more “conventionally attracive” mate because I am plus size. I agree with you completely, and I trust the BF 100%. But it is honestly tough.

    • hipstercrite says:

      What the f? People have said that you? Do you tell them to STFU? People are idiots and there need to pass judgement on relationships is mind-blowing to me. Sometimes when I say, “I’m lucky to have Geoff,” my mom replies with, “He’s lucky to have you!” The truth is, when you’re in a healthy relationship, both partners are equally lucky. Period. None more or less. Keep being a rock star, Cathy.

  2. Those are good points Lauren. Working as a counselor, I often tell clients that if they are feeling insecure about something, not to search a partners phone, instead carve out a little time of every day to deal with the feelings you are experiencing, audit them, and then process them with their partner by checking in every so often when we notice trends. By doing this, it helps to make sure you are not making problems worse and this will help determine the trajectory of your relationship.

    Insecurity is often a symptom of something else… feeling distant, possibly something from our own past, or generally something rooted in fear. Be authentic when you talk about this stuff and it will help the relationship grow.

    Finally, when you faced with the “I feel like I should check his cell phone” dilemma, think about your self control as being like a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger it will get. This helps you to pick your battles in life.

  3. Lauren, You nailed this. I was married to an incredible chick-magnet for almost 35 years. If I had not been secure in his love and loyalty, I would have lost my mind worrying about what he might or night not do.
    There is no room for jealousy in a healthy relationship. You continue to ROCK!

  4. Eddy says:

    “Ladies, let’s get our shit together. We’re awesome. Remember that.”

    Great blog! Self esteem being at the root, this reminder was perhaps the most critically important piece of information you shared. Really, the only antidote to poisonous jealousy is remembering how awesome you are. Good job!

  5. Omnifarious says:

    “I’ve heard many people say that a little jealousy is healthy and it is sooooo not true.”

    Oh, how I abhor that belief, sadly one ex subscribed to that tenet. I finally realized that what she meant, and wasn’t conscious of herself, was that her making me jealous was healthy for her insecurities because it made her feel more secure about my commitment to our relationship. And, when she felt jealous, it validated to her that I was both a desirable and valuable catch since other women wanted me, hence elevating her self-esteem.

    I’ve always thought a great partner avoids situations that might cause their partner to feel jealous…being conscious of what makes their partner feel insecure. Though if he/she doesn’t give cause, then there’s no reason a partner should feel insecure, or a reason to limit oneself due to a partners insecurities.

  6. I loved reading this.
    “Ladies, let’s get our shit together. We’re awesome. Remember that.” – I’m gonna write this down on my quote’s notebook :) ))

  7. JWad says:

    It was great to stumble upon this today. I found your site through googling “PPD Dental Trial Reviews” and here I am. I am with a great dood, the best dood. No reason to not trust him. Have known him nearly ten years. Yet I go through his phone….why!?!!?

    I am smart, I am beautiful, and now I have the “stuffed anxiety” problem. WTF, self. But thanks for the healthy reality-slap.


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