20-Something, Hipstercrite Life

When the Flame Faltered

Most of the time she doesn’t think about how she’d like to be in love.

Except for those nights when she watches a movie where the lead characters walk hand-in-hand through Central Park. Or where the man realizes he made a huge mistake and jumps a plane ride back to his love. Or where a couple banter like Tracy and Hepburn. Or where a woman decides that he is the one. Or when someone who may or may not be Cary Grant holds the object of his desire in his arms and won’t let go.

Sometimes the thought enters her mind when she reads a book like Patti Smith’s Just Kids. A tragic love story that causes young women to yearn for the affection of a tortured young man. A man that they can believe in more than themselves. This sort of romantic tale makes her long for Sunday mornings in bed or Saturday nights sitting on the floor and creating.

On the occasional happenstance, she’ll acknowledge the thought when she’s sitting at the train station and sees two people completely lost in one another. Their lips emanating a magnetic field so strong, it’s nearly impossible for them to shy away from one another. She watches them and says, “I had that once…I think.”

So in order not to dwell on the statement above, she tries to eliminate these floating allegories from her peripheral field of view. She subconsciously thinks about her parents’ divorce, she consciously thinks about the heartbreaks before, and she doesn’t question or stir that area that needs to lay dormant in this time of artistic exploration.

However, a person who often questions love is the owner of a tiny part, deep down, trapped behind the cardiac muscle, that is inhabited by a fear that they will be a solitary figure on their journey. And though this part of them secretly revels in this form of stoicism, another piece, a piece that surfaces often without warning, creates a heaviness so penetrating, it often wakes them in the middle of the night or stops them cold in their daily trek.

Just for a minute.
Or ten.

She doesn’t know what she wants, so she can’t really explain the fleeting moments that inspire her to write a paragraph about what she doesn’t have. All that she understands is that there is something missing.

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15 Comments

  • Reply H. Brown December 28, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    yep. fer sure.

  • Reply Paige December 28, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    can you read minds?

  • Reply JennyJenJen December 28, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    so well said.

    (and I agree with paige.. can you read minds???)

  • Reply KeLLy aNN December 28, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    When you stop looking for it, it happens. I swear!!!
    I got so fed up, that I went on a self imposed Celibacy. Best 8 months of my life.
    Then along comes Copper, sat down beside her, and just wouldn't f'n leave! lol
    Here we are, 10 years later, our love re~enforced with vow renewals by Elvis.
    You almost have to hate Love for it to come to you..

  • Reply Jenn - There's Your Karma December 28, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Seriously, pretty sure we're all on some weird parallel love warp, because after a particularly empowering-but-futile hot streak with dudes, I had a break down on Sunday night, convinced that no one was ever going to love me, I mean really LOVE me, again, ever.

  • Reply girluntitled December 28, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    where's the "like" button when you need it?? this was wonderful, and so heart-felt.

  • Reply Hipstercrite December 28, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    @H. Brown- πŸ™‚

    @Paige, @JennyJenJen, and @Jenn- I think it's something about the holidays. Being with family, being without family. Watching how others interact. Watching lots of movies, reading books, etc. Makes one think…which is bad… πŸ˜‰

    @Kelly Ann- I really hope you write a book, because I love your comments. Your life sounds so fascinating! Elvis renewals! Love it!

  • Reply Hipstercrite December 28, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    @girluntitled- πŸ™‚ thanks!

  • Reply Nicole December 28, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I love reading your blog. again I've commented before. A high school kid I am:) I've watched and read all those sickenigly sweet scenarious of teens falling in love. I hope someday to feel that same thing they describe that doesn't involve horny teenage hormones. Someday.

  • Reply Melanie's Randomness December 28, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    I felt this last year about this time. I knwe there was something missing. I wasn't sure tho if I had found what I was looking for at first but then the moment comes where you realize you are right where your supposed to be. I watch movies all the time and say that too. =)

  • Reply Teenysparkles December 28, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    You really write beautifully. i've been following your blog for just a little while…so hi! This is gonna sound very cliche but…Love yourself, make great friends, open your heart to both the possibility of love and pain and I think somehow it magically happens in between all of that. hopefully this didn't sound patronising – i meant it nicely. And every single person feels longing for love when they don't have it. Sometimes even when they do.

  • Reply StrangeBird December 29, 2010 at 5:42 am

    That's really lovely, and really honest and it really echos the way I feel. Beautiful. I wish you well πŸ™‚

  • Reply Carol December 29, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Great blog. One of your best, I think. Do I see the beginnings of a novel?

  • Reply Edgar December 29, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Wow, just wow. It's something everyone feels, as evidenced by all the comments, but I've never heard it so eloquently put.

    I echo all the "mind reading" sentiments, although its honestly surprising to see so many beautiful single ladies here in Austin with this problem.

  • Reply Hipstercrite December 29, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    @Nicole- I think movies like The Notebook has totally f'ed us over. I expect no less than Ryan Gosling to build a house for me and wait.

    @Melanie- It's very easy to pine for something you don't have when your life is actually pretty a-okay. John Mayer likes to whine about that a lot. I'm not sure why John Mayer came to mind, BUT HE DID. Dammit!

    @Teenysparkles- Hey Teenysparkles! Thanks for posting. I agree. And you know what? I do love myself. It would just be nice to love someone else too. Being an only child has forced me to love myself waaaay too long. πŸ˜‰

    @Strangebird- Thanks, Strangebird!

    @Carol- Hahaha… A novel about what though?!?

    @Edgar- Awww…thank you. I'm glad you liked it. πŸ™‚

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