Swollen cheeks- check! Jewish nose- check! Unwavering vice on a bottle of Hydrocodone- check!
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I had my wisdom teeth extracted last week.
What I failed to mentioned is that I was high as a kite on painkillers when I wrote the post.
Er, “high” maybe isn’t the best word.
“Blissfully zoned out and chewing on my tongue” might be better.
This is my first time ever taking painkillers and it’s been an equally enjoyable and terrifying experience.
Enjoyable in that the gaping wound-hole pain gently lifts away and I’m left smiling as I slowly slide down the side of the couch. Terrifying in that my lucid dreaming at nightfall leaves me pissing my pants and confused. One night my boyfriend sneezed and the sound registered in my brain as “OH MY GOD! SOMEONE IS STABBING ME TO DEATH!” and I woke up in tears and hyperventilated for the next ten minutes.
I also tried swallowing my gauze twice.
Though the pain is still sitting idly in my mouth, I’m down to my last two Hydrocodone pills. I’m debating whether or not to ask the doctor for more at my check-up tomorrow, but I’m afraid that there is a magic number of painkillers one can take and when one hits that number, they instantaneously turn into one of the Housewives of Orange County.
We’ll see how that plays out, but in the meantime, here is a list of ten fun things you should do while on painkillers.
1.) Write a book– Painkillers give you the confidence of alcohol without all the creative cock-blocking. Sure, whatever you write may end up sounding like that of a second grader’s, but you won’t know that until six hours later and by then, you’ll have most likely eaten the paper and fallen asleep.
2.) Clean the toilets– Since it’s a VERY BAD IDEA to drive while on painkillers, this is the perfect opportunity to do some dirty work around the house that you’ve been putting off. Hanging around the toilet is also a good idea for when you’ve taken a painkiller on an empty stomach.
3.) Lay on the floor and dream about what you want to be when you grow up– Because you obviously haven’t quite made it there yet if you’re trying to find fun things to do while on painkillers.
4.) Buy a cane– And spew out sarcastic jabs at loved ones while shuffling around the house in an attempt to do your best House impression.
5.) Watch David Lynch movies– You will have a moment of clarity where his films appear to make sense and share the secrets of the Universe (recommended by @contextual_life)
6.) Bleach your hair- And yell at your fictional children (i.e. the potted plants) that “Mommy needs her elbow cream!”
7.) Write a rap song- Post it on Youtube and begin eating truckloads of TV dinners in your quest to become the next Biggie Smalls (recommended by @imtheq)
8.) Stick a marshmallow in the microwave– When the marshmallow is at its peak of height, yell at it, “IF SOMEONE ASKS IF YOU’RE A GOD, YOU SAY, “YES!”
9.) Wax your vaginal area– It’s the only time you’re going to be brave enough to do this.
10.) See how far you can walk around in public without pants
P.S. I wrote this on painkillers, so I can guarantee its professionalism.