Dear Women Who Loooove Douchebags,
I’m meeting more and more of you lately. Pretty, smart and outgoing young women who date utter and complete douches- and not in the “vaginal irrigation” sense. More like the “vaginal irritation” sense.
You wonder why the douchebags you date don’t call you, don’t want to be exclusive or never any affection or respect. You ask everyone but the douchebag why he doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends or family, why he insists on having sex without a condom and why he must still talk to his ex every day.
The douchebags always break up with you and you’re constantly left in a state of total despair, crying, “Gosh, there must be something wrong with me!”
There is something wrong with you.
It’s not that you’re not attractive, intelligent, interesting, fun to hang out with or fun to sleep with.
Your problem is that you date douchebags.
You suffer from Douchebag Attraction Disorder. DAD for short (I’ll save the Freudian aspect of this for another post).
Even if you don’t consciously go after douchebags, your subconscious is attracted to them. Your inner most workings are attracted to the douche before you pick up on it 3, 4 or 5 dates in. For whatever reasons you have this disease (Daddy issues, abandonment, previous relationship baggage or all of the above), you must do everything that you can to combat it or you will find yourself suffering from this ailment for the rest of your life. Just because you’re young and still figuring yourself out doesn’t mean it will magically change one day. I’ve met single women ages 30-50 displaying this behavior. Even if you’re married, it doesn’t mean that you are safe from the douchebag. You may have married one!
I used to date douchebags with impressive velocity. Every single one of them broke up with me and I was always left feeling like a small piece of me died. I dated men who didn’t want to sleep with me, men who couldn’t keep it up, men who wanted to date others, men who criticized my personality and men who never wanted to hang out before 10PM. Or rather, I should say “boys”. I dated one who lived on a mattress in a cabin with no job and only cereal to survive. I dated another who told me I was “too needy” because I texted him once in awhile. I dated one who had a girlfriend that he was “always broken up with”. I dated another who told me that his work was more important than me. Oh, I also dated someone who said that dating me cramped his lifestyle of doing coke and partying.
I dated these men between the ages of 21 and 26. By the age of 26, I got extraordinarily tired of hearing myself whine about the same dating issues:
“Why doesn’t he call me?”
“Why doesn’t he want to date me?”
“Why why why waaaa waaaa waaaaaa!”
I decided to do something about it. I put an end to my ridiculous behavior and it was after that that I met a my current boyfriend. We’ve been together a little shy of two years now and I can’t imagine dating a more wonderful person. It made dealing with all the previous dating crap worth it to find him.
There are several easy steps to ridding yourself of Douchebag Attraction Disorder. These steps may seem obvious, but it’s surprising how many women don’t understand that they suffer from this problem. In order to fully rid yourself, you must stay committed.
Step 1.) Recognize that you date douchebags– Write a checklist. If you answer “yes” to any of these questions- “Am I always the first one to call?”, “Does he only call me to hang out after 10PM?” and “Do I always have to pay my own way and sometimes his?”- then you have a problem.
Step 2.) Admit that you have a problem– Say it out loud, “I DATE DOUCHEBAGS AND I’M GOING TO STOP RIGHT NOW!”
Step 3.) Commit to addressing the problem– Just because you realize that you date douches now, doesn’t mean anything is going to change. You have to stay committed to changing. It may not fun and it may be hard work, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Step 4.) Truly believe how wonderful, beautiful and smart you are– Because you are. You are all of those things and more and you need to realize that. Just because a douchebag made you feel any less, doesn’t mean that you are.
Step 5.) Take a break from dating while you assess why you go after douchebags– Taking a sabbatical from dating while trying to rid yourself of Douchebag Attraction Disorder is important. I took a year off from dating in conjunction with the following step. It was one of the best years of my life.
Step 6.) Focus on you, your goals and dreams right now– Remember how refreshing spending energy on something productive and worthwhile is. You have hopes and goals and dreams that deserve your attention.
Step 7.) Remove friends who suffer from the same problem as you until you’ve overcome your illness– This may sound harsh, but I’m a big believer in removing people that are counter-productive to your recovery. Many women who suffer from DAD will never recognize that they have a problem and you don’t need them around you.
Step 8.) (Optional) Go to therapy– I find therapy helpful for many aspects of life. If your ailment is the result of deep issues, it’s worth talking to a professional to help you overcome.
Step 9.) Try dating a non-douchebag– You’ve completed the previous steps and now you’re ready to test the waters.
Step 10.) Bask in the love and respect of a non-douchebag– It feels good, right?