Have you ever been to Mortified? I have and I nearly pissed my pants and started crying. People recollecting stories of their rudimentary and pubescent years is both entertaining and nausea-inducing. It stirs up memories you’ve locked deeply away, memories that you want no one knowing except for your therapist and maybe your 16 cats to know. It brings you confidence in knowing that you’re not alone, that others were as fucking weird as you were as a child. It makes you feel compelled to share these deep dark secrets with the world. It drives you to drink to forget these memories.
If you’re not as lucky to experience Mortified live, now you can check out Mortified on TV. Starting Dec 5th at 8PM, Mortified will be airing ten episodes of cringe-worthy hilarity on the Sundance Channel. Guests include Will Forte, Ed Helms, Cheryl Hines, Paul Feig, and Alanis Morissette. I’m particularly intrigued in hearing Alanis considering most of Jagged Little Pill was like one giant episode of Mortified.
As I mentioned before Mortified makes you feel confident in sharing secrets. Here are a few of my own adolescent naughties…
1.) I discovered my sexuality through photos of Elton John circa 1972. I’d like to think that this explains a little bit about who I am, but it doesn’t. I guess I was just into hairy gay men when I was 13.
2.) I had no idea what a tampon was until I was 16 and stranded without a Maxi pad at work. A co-worker gave me a tampon and not knowing how to use it, I stuck it in only halfway and worked an entire shift with what felt like shrapnel sticking out of my cootch. Before then I would wear Maxi pads into the pool which made me look like I had a penis.
3.) I willed myself to sleep as a teenager dreaming about Mulder and Scully getting it on.
4.) I wrote sappy songs on the piano that were the American female teenage equivalent to Barenaked Ladies songs.
5.) I never tried alcohol until the age of 21. This isn’t necessarily embarrassing but proves how unbelievably dorky I was.
6.) I used to wear suits to school.
7.) I forced my friends to watch every episode of Kids in the Hall and then would make them reenact episodes in front of a camera in the basement. I also made them call me Buffalo Bill.
8.) My heroes included Steve Martin, the Marx Brothers, Rod Serling, Woody Allen and David Bowie as a child. Jeez, do I sound like I have gender issues here or what?
Have you ever been to Mortified? What secrets would you share?