Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Am I a Hipster?

Hipster Scorecard

1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON’T FUCKING NEED)

Yes, that is a fanny pack
2.) However, I’ve been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn’t even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called “dyke” on a daily basis in middle school)
3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)
4.) I’m always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Lindsey Buckingham)
5.) I don’t wear pencil jeans, I’m not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)

6.) There exists many pictures of me wearing mustaches (-1 for having penis envy)

The Selleck

7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town that gets written up about in EVERY GOD FORSAKEN PUBLICATION)

8.) At least I’m not in Williamsburg (+1 for being smart enough not to be broke in New York City)

9.) But I did TRY living in a raw loft in Downtown Los Angeles where I’d listen to rats run alongside my bed at night and am pretty sure a cockroach fell onto my face while sleeping (-1 for trying waaaaay too hard)

10.) I don’t walk/stand like I have polio in my legs (+1 for having good posture and not deluding myself into thinking a Lookbook profile means I’m interesting)
11.) I worked for a company whose name is an exclaimed adjective followed by an exclaimed adverb in a warehouse on Austin’s Eastside (-1 for trying to be so LES 1977)
12.) You will never catch me wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt with any of the following on it 1.) wolves 2.) moon 3.) wolves barking at moon 4.) horses galloping towards moon 5.) moons making love to moons 6.) cats with laser eyes 7.) cats shooting lasers at moons with wolves and horses galloping on it (+1 for just not getting the whole moon/wolf/horses/cat obsession)
13.) I don’t wear flannel (+1). Except this one time….and it’s an American Apparel photo shoot (-10,000)

Girl, what is up with those glasses?

14.) I worship David Byrne (-1 for loving the ultimate hipster)

15.) I don’t drink beer. Or PBR. Or Four Loko. Oh wait! Four Loko tastes like candy, doesn’t it? Mmmm…. (+1 for priding myself on not having a muffin top)
16.) I don’t wear Tom’s (+1 for not wanting arthritis when I’m older)
17.) I would totally carry around a Diana or Holga if I had one -(-1 for mistaking low fidelity as artistic talent)
18.) I once stayed at the Jupiter Hotel in Portland and didn’t get it. Could have been because I was with my Mom who thought that the Ikea aesthetic and condom on the nightstand wasn’t worth the $100/night. (+1 for never once looking at Elliott Smith’s mural in the five years I lived in L.A.)
19.) I wear American Apparel (-1)

20.) I worked part-time at American Apparel (-4,000,000)

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  • Reply Melanie's Randomness January 24, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    I don't know if I'm a hipster but you are definitely one! My boyfriend has a shirt with cat's with lazer eyes playing a piano..I think he scores a zero on the hipster card. I decided to buy a condo in the burbs of NY instead of being dirt poor in NYC. I'm going to be wearing a mustache for my boyfriend's Mustachio Bashio so don't feel bad!

    I always love your posts! They are so interesting! It's funny tho that Kesha in her song, "We are who we are" she sings, "we make the hipsters fall in love"….um yeah I highly doubt that from her!

    Melanie's Randomness

  • Reply carrie murphy January 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    i think you're borderline, but hey, does it really matter?

    hell yes to not being stupid enough to be broke in NYC. i'm constantly amazed at the people who are hipstery and cliche enough to actually attempt it. like, it's over, dudes.

  • Reply TrophyBoutique January 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Hey, at least you didn't work at AA full-time!

    I have some Toms shoes but my super hip dog ate half of one of them. Is it hip to wear broken Toms or less hip?

  • Reply Jessica January 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Ah the Doug Fir/Jupiter. I'm from Portland and don't get it.

  • Reply craighallam January 24, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    I'm from England, and have no concept of what you're talking about.

    You dont have to go to NYC to be broke over here. We just do it on our own street hahaha

  • Reply r3t0dd January 24, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Rule #1:
    All hipsters must vehemently deny being hipsters.

  • Reply KeLLy aNN January 24, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    You're just CooL.

  • Reply theTsaritsa January 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    hahaha, I LOVED this entry!! I do not understand those nasty sweatshirts with the wolves howling at the moon, the kind I associate with my grandma and the dirt mall.

    PS I got teased relentlessly for being wayy ahead of my time, style-wise, by other kids in school. Haterssss.

  • Reply Unquiet January 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    I *love* the comment about Jupiter Hotel. (-1 for not saying something sucks)

    I still have a the colored condom in a clear wrapper with a J on it from my stay there. (+1 for holding on to meaningless shite. -1 for using shite sarcastically. +1 for not being obviously sarcastic.)

    Not to use. Obviously. (+1 for an unreliable sex life?) I stayed there something like 4 years ago. I'd call it a memento, but it's not quite even that. It's more like a the book of matches you steal from a bar on a road trip. But with less sentimental value. Maybe for street cred. But an unused condom from the Jupiter – what cred does that afford me? (+1 for existential bullcrap)

    It is what it is.

    I did sorta like the bar. Had no idea it was a hipster place til I got thre. (+1 for not trying to hard)

  • Reply Big Mark 243 January 25, 2011 at 12:17 am

    I didn't think that you could be a hot looking chica and still qualify as a hipster..!

    You should try to sell this to a magazine or something… seriously. Needs to be published and stuff…

  • Reply ISRAEL CARRASCO January 25, 2011 at 12:48 am

    You are a hipster from the simple fact that your blog name is Hipstercrite which is both ironic and pretentious so yeah you pass with flying colors.

  • Reply LiberatED January 25, 2011 at 1:39 am

    Hahaha TOMS shoes are the worst

  • Reply Rahul January 25, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Suspenders are the greatest. No one will convince me any differently. Holding up your pants by throwing something over your shoulder? Genius.

    Who came up with that? I think it was the Ottomans.

  • Reply Emily is.. February 10, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    #12 was my favorite. I laughed so hard! My friend has a shirt with a stupid wolf howling at the moon and I think its the dumbest thing ever.

  • Reply kyleinabox March 1, 2011 at 8:01 am

    you are not a hipster because you made a post about being a hipster that proved you are a hipster. proof of you being a hipster, not only in your confidence concerning your self-identity issues but also the fact that you have a blog that partially successfully advertises this. therefore you are not a hipster.

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