Film, Pop Culture, Writing

The Time I Almost Got Punched by a Woman Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Have Issues"

 I had completely forgotten about the above statement until today, when I was online chatting with my friend Ian. Ian and I were on a reality show together and one of the characters on that show was the producer Robert Evans. If you’ve never seen it, check out the doc THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE. It is an adaptation of  Evans’ autobiography of the same name. Evans was and is a colorful character, having epitomized Hollywood cool in the 1970’s (he was married to Ali MacGraw, friends with Jack Nicholson and produced THE GODFATHER, CHINATOWN, and ROSEMARY’S BABY) and Hollywood down-and-out in the 1980’s (he was convicted of trying to buy cocaine and linked to the murder of an investor).

So here is a little backstory…
I was a featured player on a barely known TLC reality series called “Going Hollywood”. The show chronicled the day-to-day adventures of three fresh-off-the-bus interns working at Robert Evans’, Method Man’s, and my boss’ respective production companies. My role was to help show our intern, Ian, the ropes. Ian ended up working at our company after the show ended and becoming a dear friend. He is quite possibly one of the most stand-up individuals I have ever met.
On the last day of shooting, the producers decided to have a wrap party at the interns’ Real World-style house over-looking the Hollywood Hills. Everyone who participated on the show was invited and of course the cameras were rolling. It was the first time during the shoot that I had seen the house. Posters of movies produced by the interns’ bosses lined the walls. I noticed a poster of Val Kilmer’s THE SAINT and chuckled. “Why is there a THE SAINT poster up on the wall?” I said to no one in particular.
“Because Robert Evans produced THE SAINT,” someone shouted from the crowd.
“Oh yeah, because THE SAINT is Robert Evans best work, isn’t it?” I said sarcastically.
The turntables came to a screeching halt. Storm clouds drifted in and a tornado of bleached blonde hair and red lipstick marched up to me.
“Who the hell is this girl? Why are you disrespectin’ Robert Evans?
I quietly looked down. Written across the woman’s wife-beater was the text, “I Have Issues.”
“Who the hell do you think you are!? Go back to film school! Don’t you know who Robert Evans is??”
I sure did know who Robert Evans was, but I had no idea who she was.
After some stares from the producers, I quickly put together she was the president of Robert Evans’ company.
I apologized but politely tried to explain to her that I wasn’t “disrespectin”” Robert Evans, but rather was making a point that of all the amazing movies he has produced, CHINATOWN, MARATHON MAN, THE GODFATHER, LOVE STORY, ROSEMARY’S BABY, HAROLD AND MAUDE, URBAN COWBOY (well, that’s questionable), THE COTTON CLUB (highly questionable), that the one poster they put up, was THE SAINT?! I was on Robert Evans side for Christ’s sake! Do you think he wants to be immortalized by THE SAINT!?
It didn’t matter. The damage was already done and there was no going back. Skank Ho was flailing her arms and yelling belligerently at me. My boss caught wind of what was going on and came over to see what the problem was. He cooly tried to calm her down but she started going at him too, eventually telling him to “suck my dick!”. When my boss threw his hands up in the air as if to say, “This chick is bat shit crazy!”, she took it as a sign to start fistacuffs and pulled her arm back to swing at him. My boss was swiftly carried away by the producers and we were all rushed downstairs away from Trainwreck. All the meanwhile the cameras were still rolling.
We tried to get comfortable on the first floor of the house, but couldn’t concentrate over all the screaming our little friend was doing upstairs. “They can all just suck my dick, those fucking wet noodles!” Figuring that Ms. Penis Envy wasn’t going to shut up anytime soon, we all decided to leave.
Later in the evening Ian IMed me to say that she still hadn’t left and that she just grabbed one of the party-goers by their hair.
After that evening, I lost track of Miss Piggy and unfortunately the tape of that spectacular evening never aired. Sometimes I think about Robert Evans’ lady friend and what she’s doing. I’m sure she’s still running his company, sucking his cock, and making some wonderful B-list trash. It makes me sad. Hollywood has a lot of women who feel like they need to overcompensate in a male-driven industry. Note to females in Hollywood- wearing an “I Have Issues” wife-beater, getting drunk, and telling people to suck your dick doesn’t make you tough, it makes you a drunk chick with a “I Have Issues” wife-beater on.
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  • Reply IT (aka Ivan Toblog) January 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Ah! But it does get you noticed.

  • Reply Jessica January 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm


  • Reply KeLLy aNN January 4, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    what a disgrace to the awesome wife~beater tshirt!

  • Reply Allison January 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Whatever happened to poise and class? I can't believe she was in charge of anything.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 4, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    @IT- very very true. however, then people will either be scared of you or think you're nuts.

    @Jessica- 🙂

    @Kelly Ann- HAHAHAHAHA!

    @Allison- She was well into her 40's too. She should have had some class, I agree. However, I think it's what Hollywood does to SOME people. Not all, but some.

  • Reply A Kitchen Witch January 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    I used to work in a hotel in downtown Austin and part of my job was to be one of the "go to" persons for film crews…saw some crazy things from some of the Hollywood gang. It's interesting to see the behaviors that come out.

  • Reply j.m. neeb January 4, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    I would pay good money to watch video of that on YouTube.

    (Note: "Good" is a fairly relative term, so maybe I should be more definitive and say "I'd pay at least a dollar to watch video of that on YouTube.")

  • Reply Rachel January 4, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    I remember this story. Ridiculous.
    D-dogg came in to save your life.
    What I want to know is 1) why do I not have a dvd of these episodes and 2) why are you not on the imdb page?

  • Reply kellynD January 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Oh, awful. Some people really are bat shit crazy.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    @kitchen witch- ha! i can only imagine. any good stories? don't have to name names…

    @j.m.- i would pay money too! i'm sure it was trashed.

    @rachel- the answer to both is "i don't know". i don't have copies. 🙁

  • Reply Brooke Farmer January 4, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Harold and Maude is my all time favorite movie. I realize what an aside that is, but seriously. Love it. That is the poster that should have been on the wall.

  • Reply Carolina January 4, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    The things people do!

  • Reply ISRAEL CARRASCO January 4, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    An illustration of why it's important to be aware of your surroundings.

  • Reply laurenne January 5, 2011 at 1:00 am

    YOU WERE ON A REALITY SHOW!!!? You get cooler every day.

  • Reply Courtney January 5, 2011 at 3:09 am

    I agree with the above commenter.

  • Reply spectator_sport January 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    …Ghetto wht chics are like "Members Only" jackets …they still make those?

  • Reply Tabs A. Geek January 5, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Oh man.

    Well, at least you got to walk away from that night with a hilarious story about said crazy-ass hollywood gals.

    P.S. I am so envious of you for all your awesomeness.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 5, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    @Brooke- I LOVE Harold and Maude! That movie was so ahead of it's time. The sort of movie one wishes they can write! Good taste, my friend!

    @Carolina- You forget that some people are crazy in this world.

    @Israel- You mean be aware of crazy women wearing t-shirt that explain how crazy they are?

    @Laurenne, @Courtney, and @Tabs- Being on a reality show is not cool! What are you talking about!? Ha.

    @Spectator- I'm not sure if they do but you can find a lot of them in the thrift stores!

  • Reply Nikki January 10, 2011 at 3:43 am

    Did she have the black and neon wide-leg bondage pants to go with the wife beater? I image they would be right next to each other in the Hot Topic bargain bin.

    What a crazy story, and a very well-spun yarn. =)

  • Reply Dario July 1, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    I’m the individual she attacked after you left. She demanded that I start cleaning up, I of course refused since the party was still going on so she preceded to grab me by the hair and pull me to the ground. She was then kicked out and I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I wish I could see the footage from that night. Crazy!

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