My Father is Like Richard Branson But Without the Billions Of Dollars Part

*(Dad, I know you texted me to say that you’re reading my blog right now, but do us both a favor and don’t read this one. Unless you’re drunk. But it’s 8AM in California, so you’re probably not).

“I slept in a parking lot with a bunch of homeless people last night,” my father proudly told me over the phone.

I nearly swallowed my tongue.

“Why, Dad?”

The word “why” is a common word used while talking to my father. “When” is not necessary since time rarely plays a part in his story. “Where” is also not crucial to the story unless it involves “Skid Row” (which has come up a number of times). “Who” may sometimes pop up because his little episodes of keeping boredom at bay often effect other people (specifically two ex-wives and a daughter). “What” is probably the most common word used after “why”, as in, “What the f*ck did you just do Dad?!”

“Yeah, they have this whole system going on where they sleep in this hotel parking lot, then use the hotel showers and get continental breakfast in the morning. No one knows about it. Isn’t it cool??”

I let out a noise that sounded like a balloon deflating.

At the time my father pulled this stunt he was neither homeless or broke. Simply curious. Which is what his middle name should have been instead of “Gay” (True story- his middle name is “Gay” and he, as far as I know, is not. Though there was a time after he divorced my Mom that his parents thought he was, but what did they know? Very little. I think they used to spell my name “Loren” and obviously didn’t understand the potential complicated psychological consequences of giving the middle name “Gay” to a young boy.)

Two years ago, my father and I were hanging out at my apartment in Koreatown shooting the breeze. It was late and he was obviously bored. He turned to me and said,”Hey, want to go one of those midnight AA meetings?” Details like neither one of us having an addiction to anything didn’t matter to him. “It’s ok, you don’t need to tell your story. Just say “Hi, my name is Lauren I’ve been an alcoholic for ten years”, or something like that.”

Being the 26 year-old party pooper is not my bag, but I get concerned when he calls to tell me he’s somewhere in Mexico and has been jokingly telling people from his car that he has coke to sell.

Gosh, reading that sentence back to myself just made me slap my hand against my forehead.

I’m all for living life to the fullest, but damn, Pop! Riding your bike on the Venice beach boardwalk= okay. Riding your bike down Hollywood Boulevard during rush hour= not okay. Camping out while riding your motorcycle across America= okay. Using a motorcycle as your sole mode of transportation in Los Angeles= not okay. Sharing a condo with some friends while checking out Lake Tahoe= okay. Staying at a pay by-the-hour motel in a bad part of town because it’s fun= not okay.

Dad, I think it may actually be time to go to one of those AA meetings. Will they take someone who is addicted to making crazy ass decisions?

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  • Reply The mad woman behind the blog February 23, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Amazing. This sounds like the life my mom wished she had, instead of having 6 kids. Sure I have wanderlust and curiosity but your dad, that's a whole 'nuther level.
    See, we, the ones that don't have heart ties to this man just want to sit back in awe and listen to his tales of adventure.

  • Reply The Mad Hatter February 23, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Your dad is pretty bad ass. And I hope this comment triggers even more outlandish behavior.

  • Reply gkhill February 23, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    I am a bit confused as to who this comment is going to.
    It is meant for hipstercrite it looks like that is where it is going.
    I have been going through blog after blog looking for domething interesting, yours is just that.
    I cracked up reading your last entry as i too am a nutty older divorced father. I can relate to your Dad. Keep posting so I have something other than God,Baby and fitness stories to read.

  • Reply T!nK February 23, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    I want to chill with your dad!

  • Reply Christine Macdonald February 23, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Handsome, fun, full of character, and raised a beautiful daughter. Yup. I want him.

  • Reply Ash February 23, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Your dad sounds awesome as hell.

  • Reply "Julie" February 23, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    omg that's amazing! What an interesting/awesome dad!

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 23, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    @Mad Woman- Yes, on paper his adventures look awesome. Growing up, it was awesome. Now I worry about him.

    @Mad Hatter- Don't encourage him! 😛

    @GKHill- Welcome! Thanks for stopping by my blog! Hope to see more of you!

    @T!nk- Let's all go to SXSW!

    @Kiki- Haha…yes, it's fun, but the wives didn't like it when he'd call and say, "Oh, I just decided to randomly fly to Canada. Be back in a few days" or something like that.

    @Ash and @Julie- He is a cool guy, but a little nutty. Thanks!

  • Reply The Mad Dame February 23, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    That so the kind of attitude I want when I get older. I want to hang out with your old man for sure.

  • Reply mrs. b. February 23, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    your dad is *clearly* the raddest guy on the planet. i love this!

  • Reply inflammatory writ February 23, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Your dad – not only a silver fox, but a HILARIOUS silver fox. That's some win right there.

  • Reply Hannah Miet February 23, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Hilarious. I loved this. But you should know that this comment contains threats.

    1. If you don't write a memoir, I will find you and beat you up.

    2. I like silver foxes, and I think me and your dad could get a long pretty well. I'm not saying I will hunt him down. But if we meet, he's a goner.

    Don't mental image that. Sorry.

  • Reply Metallo Bianco Jewelry February 23, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    HA! Too funny. I love your Dad. 🙂

  • Reply Christopher February 23, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    How do the homeless get to the showers? I can see the continental breakfast but aren't rooms kept locked?

  • Reply Margaret February 23, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Hahaha! I love it. What a fun dad. But I can imagine now at at this age being a little worried when he has these adventures…

    P.S. He's a very attractive man. Yes.

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 23, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    @Mad Dame- I hope I do too, but I hope I make some smarter decisions than he does.

    @Mrs. B.- Hahaha….thank you!

    @Inflammatory Writ- I will tell him that you said that. He'll like that.

    @Hannah- Even your comments are witty! Damn you!

    @Metallo Bianco Jewelry- Thank you! I love him too!

    @Christopher- That's an excellent observation. I don't remember the exact details but I think it was the hotel's gym/pool shower.

    @Margaret- Thank you! Yes, I'm always scared I'll get some bad phone call. However, he told me the other day that he's loved his life. That's all I could ask for.

  • Reply Barbara February 24, 2010 at 1:50 am

    I'm not even sure what I would say if my Dad told me he did any of those things.

  • Reply Amanda West February 24, 2010 at 3:10 am

    I can barely handle my dad the way HE is…

    I don't know what I'd do if I had your dad for a dad.


    But this post was hilarious! Don't let him get into too much trouble.

  • Reply Lisa February 24, 2010 at 3:47 am

    This is hilarious! I mean, it was definitely an entertaining read. He may keep you on your toes, but at least it's fun! 🙂

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ February 24, 2010 at 3:52 am

    Your dad sounds like my dad. No joke. After seeing how the homeless people in Santa Monica are treated (with fresh coffee in the morning and where they get to sleep on the beach), he totally wanted to be one of them.

  • Reply cjschlottman February 24, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    You've done it again – made me laugh. (Thank You). My daddy died when I was seven, so I don't have anyone to compare with your dad, but he sounds cool and a little scary. It's touching that you worry about him but he sounds like a survivor. What does he do for a living that gives him all this free time? I may want to get a job there (and meet him).

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 24, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    @Barbara- When I was younger I used to think all of it was cool. Now that I've gotten older I worry about him a lot (though he tells me not to).

    @Amanda- Thanks. I don't know how I handle it sometimes either. 😉

    @Lisa- He does. Lately I feel like I'm the parent and he is the kid!

    @Chelsea- Is your Dad in LA too? If so, I think they should hang out. They sound one in the same.

    @CJ- My Dad is actually an actor in LA. Another crazy adventure….

  • Reply The Life Addict February 24, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    I can appreciate your father's sense of wonder and his need for adventure. I too have made some strange and most likely unhealthy or outlandish decisions in my very young 25 years of living. I see nothing wrong with wanting to experience life to the fullest which is what I believe your father is doing.

  • Reply IT February 24, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    There may just be a twelve-step program that would fit the need. Unfortunately, like most twelve-step programs, the word anonymous probably appears in its name so it will be difficult to find.

  • Reply the eternal worrier February 24, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    God he sounds wild, and very cool if you admit it?

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland February 24, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Your dad seems awesome, if not a little strange. But strange is the new fantastic, so rock on with your bad decision making self!

  • Reply Mel February 24, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    I'm a little envious of your dad. There's a lot to be said for just doing stuff.

    My dad told me the other day, when I asked him what he's doing since he left his old job as a drug and alcohol counsellor, that he's in the scrap metal trade. He drives around and picks up old washers and fridges and sells them for scrap. No joke. I think he's doing it just so he can tell people that's what he does.

  • Reply Shandi February 25, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    your dad sounds so fucking cool. can i have him? please?


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