Hipster Valentine’s Day Gift Guide Pt. 2 (The Dirty Stuff)

Yesterday, I posted part one of my Hipster Valentine’s Day Guide. It included a whole bunch of mustache.

Today’s part is what to get your honey if you’re a hipster and dirty.
And I don’t mean, I’m-a-hipster-that-rides-my-bike-a lot-and-doesn’t-shower-and-smells-like-a-Salvation-Army-depository dirty.

1.) Ok, this isn’t dirty at all, but I had to include this necklace on the list because it’s from “Annie Hall” and there is no greater love story than that of Alvy and Annie.
“Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I – I do, don’t you think I do?”

2.) Cooter perfume. Not perfume for your cooter. Perfume that smells like your cooter. I don’t think anything I could write after this point will matter.

(thanks to the Sassy Curmudgeon for inspiration of “cooter”)

3.) Wondering what to do with that Snuggie that you threatened your Mom not to buy you for Christmas but she did anyways? Get creative with the Snuggie Sutra.
My favorite is “The Manket”- “The man wears the Snuggie on his back and keeps his partner warm. Perfect for long winter nights, cold winter mornings and when your partner is sedated.”

4.) Why does Sasha Grey have such a bubbly butt? More importantly… she’s only 21!?
These assless pantyhose are 50% at American Apparel until Feb. 21st. Come buy them so I don’t have to look at them anymore.

5.) Does your boyfriend like to watch reruns of “Sex in the City” with you and often say, “Hey honey, I think I would like to pork Carrie Bradshaw”? Then treat him with the Sarah Jessica Porkher blow-up doll.
Click here if you dare (not for the squeamish)….

6.) Has your girl been bugging you about getting a toupee for her cootch? If so, then I would cut her loose now. Or, if you’re into that sort of thing, get her the strawberry merkin.

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  • Reply KeLLy aNN February 10, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Oh My!

  • Reply The mad woman behind the blog February 10, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    I always have to laugh when I read post and find that no one has commented yet. Makes me think we're all speechless.
    And yeah, you lost me at the cooter 'fume.
    Can you throw some bleach in my eyes now?

  • Reply Apryl February 10, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Blow up Carrie Bradshaw? Could have been worse, could have been the "Love Ewe"

    And the fact that someone thought it marketing genuius to make sprayable Vag smell?

    I will now laugh into my Chuck Norris pillow.

  • Reply That Gal Kiki February 10, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Vulva. Reminds me of the Jerry Seinfeld episode.

    Great post!

  • Reply Polly Syllabick February 10, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    PLEASE explain the assless leggings. PLEASE? I know you'll have an explaination for this. Or at least some witty commentary…

  • Reply Hannah Miet February 10, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    I have stocking remarkably like those assless leggings.

    But they are called suspender stockings.

    Kind of like wearing a garter belt built into your stockings.

    They look hot. I don't know. The holes in the ass aren't circular, so it doesn't look purposeful like that.

    Am I exempt from ridicule?

    I lurve that we both associate Sassy with "cooter."

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 10, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    @Mad Woman- Watching the videos on the cooter perfume website made my face scrunch up. It was grossy.

    @Apryl- Hahaha…why don't they make sexy celebrity men blow up dolls? Like a Chuck Norris one?

    @Kiki- Which episode?

    @Polly- I've been asking myself that ever since they came out. WHY? What is the point? It's not like you can do your business up in there because there is a line of hose running up your butt crack. Sigh…

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 10, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    @Hannah- I'm sure your hose are sexy, I'm not sure about these though…her butt looks like two huge pears falling from a tree….

  • Reply cjschlottman February 10, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    This one made me silly with laughter, not just laughing, but running around the house laughing. I read it to my dogs, and they laughed, too. I think they wanted to bite the ass in those panty hose.

  • Reply The Mad Hatter February 10, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    If only they made a Jovie from "Elf" blow-upper…

    I can always dream.

  • Reply bard February 10, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    And here I thought the Tom Selleck pillow was the dirty gift…

  • Reply Jill February 10, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    not sure what to comment on first loL!

    I love the Manket idea 😀

  • Reply Jill February 10, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Your list was a tad different than my Vday gift guide I posed this morning lol

  • Reply Allie February 10, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAA. thank you for the best ideas ever. i loved the snuggie sutra.

  • Reply TheBigShowAtUD February 10, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    you mean that "new vag smell" is FAKE?!

    this is the funniest thing i've read in a while. haha.

  • Reply Suburban Sweetheart February 10, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    My snowed-in friend & I are having a riot laughing at the vag perfume. Thanks!

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 11, 2010 at 12:24 am

    @CJ- I know. That's quite the ass to bite too!

    @Mad Hatter- Is that Zooey Deschanel's character?

    @Bard- Wouldn't it be great if they made a pillow of that famous pic of Burt Reynolds on the bear skin rug?

    @Jill- I will check out your list right now!

    @Allie- I wish they had more Snuggie suggestions on there!

    @TheBigShow + @Sweetheart- Have you guys watched the video on their website yet?

  • Reply Colleen February 11, 2010 at 12:36 am

    After reading this post, I have asked my husband for the Snuggie Sutra book. Fantastic!

  • Reply auburnette February 11, 2010 at 1:05 am

    You know, I pretty much love you.

    The Snuggie Sutra is my kind of winter wonderland. Mmmm, Snuggie…

    And Cooter 'Fume is fucking awesome.

  • Reply Christopher February 11, 2010 at 1:28 am

    Vulva eh? I'm a bit curious how they make that.

  • Reply Oats February 11, 2010 at 2:48 am

    So after watching the videos on the Vulva site, and reading that it is actually "NOT a perfume", but rather something you apply when you want to smell like va-j-j, it was brought to my attention that there is a word for people like that guy, sniffing the woman's bike seat. He would be called a Snarf!

    Okay. What sick fuck labs worked on creating the scent of vagina? I'm putting out my resume… hahaha

  • Reply ashley February 11, 2010 at 3:03 am

    who knew you could capture the essence of a snatch in a bottle? i know what everyone on my gift list is getting!! btw- showed this post to my coworkers, who LOVED it, but the general consensus was the blow up carrie bradshaw was the closest thing one could get to legal bestiality.

  • Reply Don February 11, 2010 at 5:35 am

    Oh my! Talk about dirty (I did look at the Sex in the *** doll-geez!!!)

  • Reply T!nK February 11, 2010 at 7:29 am

    sooo…. my favorites are the penis book. and the "lurrveee necklace" lol.

  • Reply Apryl February 11, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    I too am curious how they decided who's Cuda was fabulous enough to mimick and bottle….Could be Grandma Kettle for all we know.

    Bottled 87 year old cooch. Maybe its better aged, like wine or cheese.

    As long as it doesn't smell LIKE cheese I suppose….they'd be out of the running for sure.

    Sent off wimpering to Masengil.

  • Reply Aufwiederhesen Fashion February 22, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Thanks, the vagina perfume made me and several friends laugh so hard we peed in our assless chaps.

  • Reply mintradz November 22, 2010 at 9:05 am

    I never thought that I would see a perfume that a woman would use in her private parts. Well, I really never expect this stuff to show up when I buy perfumes online. Great post Hipstercrite! It really made my day.

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