Writing

Televangelism Fashion

Sometimes I think about turning my blog into a fashion blog.
Fashion blogs always seem to be the belle of the ball.
The hit of the party.
The slut of the kegger.
They always get the most traffic and the most comments.
Which is interesting, because they’re usually written by a doe-eyed thirteen year-old girl from Winnipeg who likes to stand pigeon-toed and wear her Grandma’s reading glasses.
Anytime I do write about fashion, it’s one of three things- vintage clothing, making fun of American Apparel, and making fun of American Apparel while forgetting that I’m wearing an entire American Apparel ensemble.
However, I thought today that I might write a fashion post for a dude named Oral.
Yes, Oral.
Oral died yesterday and I had no idea who the heck he was. In fact, I’m super hung-up on the fact that a couple decided to name their kid Oral and haven’t read anything past that.
According to CNN, he was an extremely old Evangelist.
This is very fitting because I’ve always had a thing for popular, eccentric televangelists.
Not a “Mmm…I want to jump their God-fearing bones” kind of thing, but a, “Wow! Look at them sweat through that polyester suit!” kind of thing.
So in honor of a man who’s name goes well with the words “hygiene” and “herpes”, I’m declaring today, “Dress like an Televangelist Day”.
No, wait!
Let’s make it tomorrow.
Because you’re probably already at work and I’m guessing you didn’t wear your horn-rimmed glasses and rayon slacks today (if you did, send me a picture. I probably love you).
How do you dress like a televangelist you ask? It’s simple!
1.) Every televangelist must have a pair of glasses that I only can describe as “Those ridiculous things on George Bush Sr.’s face” You can pick up a copy here, at (surprise!) American Apparel.

2.) Want to physcially get closer to God? Well, take Jan Crouch’s example! The best I could come up with is “The Disco II Clown” wig. However, you would have to wear five of these wigs on top of each other to compete with this lady.

3.) No weave is complete without some old-fashioned hair pomade!

4.) An entire bottle of mascara on your face every morning!

5.) Make sure you raid your parents closet before you head to the thrift store for these outfits. Your parents probably don’t want you to know, but they once wore things that would set the house on fire instantaneously.

*Please note- I’m actually putting a stupid ass declaimer here.

This post is not suggesting anything about Christianity.
I just think televangelists are neat-o looking. ๐Ÿ™‚
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31 Comments

  • Reply That Chelsea Girlโ„ข December 16, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    I promise I am not a 13-year-old, pigeon-toed Winnipegian wearing my grandmother's glasses.
    But yes, there seems to be a definite formula to evangelist fashion…as always, this entry made me giggle!

  • Reply Grant December 16, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    The post was hilarious however I am totally offended by your disclaimer. Congrats on the Blog-o-note.

  • Reply thatgalkiki December 16, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Amen, praise Jezuzzzzzzzz for them. Life is fun. Great writers like you make it more so. Thanks!

    xxoo

  • Reply Sassy December 16, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Is there an Oral Roberts fansite called Oral Fixation? Because there should be.

  • Reply Apryl December 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    I think an ever-so-stunning picture of Dana Carvey as the Churh Lady from SNL would paint a perfect picture of a "How-To" guide in the act of imitation of the televangelists.

    Isn't that special.

  • Reply Karen December 16, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Stopping by from Blogs of Note. Congrats on that!

    I've never given much thought to the stylings of televangelists, but damn!

    It's unfortunate that my closet contains none of the necessary apparel to participate in your Dress Like a Televangelist Day. Maybe next year.

  • Reply Hannah Miet December 16, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Yup. My stomach officially hates you.

  • Reply Hipstercrite December 16, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Chelsea- Are you sure you're not 13? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Grant- Offended?!

    Kiki-Thanks for the kind comments!

    Sassy- If it doesn't exist, you should claim that shit.

    Apryl- Brilliant!!! I will have to add her!

    Karen- Thank you so much!

    Hannah- You still give me way too much credit.

  • Reply Ivan Toblog December 16, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    It won't work unless you have a logo.

  • Reply Ivan Toblog December 16, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Oh, but I will post info on my blog.

  • Reply Chantale December 16, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Congrats suga! We's is just so proud a ya! Keep it comin' darlin'!

  • Reply Angie December 16, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Congrats on blog of note! WE'RE SO PROUD!!!

  • Reply inflammatory writ December 16, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    I had to google Jan Crouch to make sure she was actually 1. real and 2. a woman. And just when I think I know a damn drag queen when I see one…

  • Reply mysterg December 16, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    I'm so going to hell…I haven't got any of these essential fashion items to highlight my dedication with God. How will he know that I'm special and deserve a place within the pearly gates.

    Congrats on blog of note, and may I also say you are looking extremely lovely in your profile pic (not that you don't normally but it's the whole hair thing you've got going on perhaps?)

  • Reply Cetra AG December 16, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    I think those guys are slimy. I love to rag on things too haha, i just do it on my site.

    http://www.TheUltimateTimewaster.com

  • Reply Johnnny December 16, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    Why is it female televangelists feel the need to wear soo much makeup? Don't they know God accepts them just they way they look when they wake up in the morning?

  • Reply Jill December 16, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    LOL i have thought the same thing about all these fashion blogs. There are sooo many…it's like the only new kind of blogs I find. It makes me not want to talk about fashion, even though I love clothes.

  • Reply Natalie Veronique B. December 17, 2009 at 12:57 am

    Unbelievable! First of all, really, what kind of person names their child Oral? And then, what kind of Oral person becomes a televangelist? ๐Ÿ™‚
    I had a good time reading anyway.

  • Reply TheBlogger December 17, 2009 at 1:22 am

    teeheehee this was truly hilarious :] Not to be rude but everyone checl out my new blog :]

  • Reply Goss April December 17, 2009 at 1:30 am

    Life is fun. I like TV. Damn.

    Myblog: http://www.pornhard.us

  • Reply ash.lin. December 17, 2009 at 3:15 am

    thanks for your comment today, it meant a lot to me (mostly b/c it came from someone that i do truly respect and admire)

    as for YOUR post-
    they kept talking about oral, and i felt like a 12 year old boy b/c in my head after every report he made a cameo in, id say 'sex' or 'b' after his name. his parents had to have hated him to deserve a name like that.
    good lord, what i wouldnt give for a floral frock, some circa 1972 giant glasses, and the gift of lil baby jesus in my soul.

  • Reply Hater Von G December 17, 2009 at 3:35 am

    I'm still stuck on the fact that there was someone named Oral and I didn't know about it.

    I love your blog.

  • Reply Stephen K December 17, 2009 at 4:20 am

    Haha, you're definitely right about the fashion blogs being in Vogue (aren't I hilarious.) these days! Think I prefer your satirical pisstake though ๐Ÿ˜›

  • Reply Adrienne Hadaway December 17, 2009 at 5:48 am

    OK. So you're hilarious.

  • Reply GabrielBarrio December 17, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    No one on the block has swagger like them. Lol.

  • Reply kendal croix December 17, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    i had a roomate once who had family that would tell her "the bigger the hair, the closer to god"

    haha.

  • Reply Leila Greyston December 17, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    I'm with eda, picture two was amazing!

    JK I'm not really sure what eda said.

  • Reply Lindsey December 18, 2009 at 12:08 am

    fucking brilliant. lol.

  • Reply nicopolitan December 18, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Noted, and now I can't wait for Halloween next year!

  • Reply alexisburris December 29, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    I loved this post. The reason I am choosing to follow you!

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