I had this dream once that I was Andy Warhol. Not like the cool, Svengali NYC socialite/innovator/icon Andy, but the gay, badly toupeed, shot up Andy. It was really weird.

So I rented a loft in Downtown L.A. to try and feed this dream. I mean I went through the trouble of dying a toupee white and searching for young boys on the street to piss on my paintings, but it didn’t work well for me.

I wanted the most industrial, gritty place I could fine. Low and behold my surprise when it didn’t look like The W Hotel inside. The loft had fleas. It had rats. I got bites from the fleas on the rats. It had no hot water. It had a kitchen that was abandoned a quarter of the way through completion. It was sticky. I’d wake up with welts on my body from God only knows what. It had a few inches of filth that had accumulated over the years during it’s previous life as a sweat shop. I was living in post-apocalyptic, BLADE RUNNER type shit. As sexy as it sounds, you don’t want your home to be that. Do (more…)

I’m an only child of divorce. That’s like, two strikes against me right there (my third, fourth, and fifth strike being I’m female, Jewish, and Gemini as well). Marriage and having kids has never been an ambition of mine. I mean, I’m not against the idea. I’ve always displayed mild interest in the concept. Maybe one day I’ll live in a turn-of-the century cottage in a mid-size city in a good school district with my graphic designer husband and two children named Juniper and Hugo OR maybe, just maybe, I’ll live in a glass house over-looking a jumbo-size city watching all the people down below, afraid to touch them, afraid of anything that would make me normal and my only friend is my butler who carries me to bed every evening after get annihilated on sherry and anise liqueur.

This is what I do while on break. I write eHow articles on how to be fictional characters from TV shows based off young adult novels.

How to be Chuck Bass

Everyone is in love with Gossip Girl’s resident bad boy Chuck Bass. Those bow ties! That sneer! Those condescending, degrading, misogynistic quips! Here is the How-to on being the mythological anti-hero that is Charles Bartholomew Bass.

1.) Begin and end sentences by saying, “I am (insert first and last name)”. Don’t ever let people forget who you are. Extra points if you start referring to yourself in the third person.

2.) For daywear, embrace the three P’s- pink, plaid, and preppy. No color is too bold, no pattern is too tacky, and no outfit is too Hamptons weekendy for a Chuck Bass wannabe. *Tip- Make sure to always turn your collar up

Click to read more…

All the characters names from “Six Feet Under”.

It took me awhile, but after alternating four blankets and a wet washcloth on my forehead a couple of times, I was able to think of all the lead characters’ names:

Nate Fisher
David Fisher
Claire Fisher
Ruth Fisher
Nathanial Fisher
Brenda Chenowith
Billy Chenowith
Fredrico

That was all I came up with. I exerted a lot of energy trying to remember Lili Taylor’s character’s name, but I gave up and eventually fell asleep. I thought it was maybe Lisa and I guess I was right.

“Six Feet Under” came to mind because I thought I was going to die like Nate last night. I was like, “Ok, as soon as you start talking funny, you’re going to collapse and die.” Then I thought about how incredibly hot Peter Krause is. Then I thought about how his character had a weird brain condition and died at 40. Then I thought about how I want a dude that looks like Peter Krause. Then I thought about how whiny his character was.

Oh shit, sorry, just gave away the ending of the show. (more…)

Right now I’m going through a Danny Elfman phase.

I went through a Danny Elfman “The composer” phase in high school, but now I’m going through a Danny Elfman “The hot front man with eye makeup and high waisted pants with white tank top and suspenders” phase right now.

So I guess you can say I appreciate the full Danny Elfman spectrum now.

Check out the video of “Little Girls” down below. Pedophilia and midgets…what more can you ask for?

Tonight while I Swiftered the hard concrete floor of my place of work, the sort of floor that keeps me awake at night with knee aches, a song came on that instantly put me in my car, driving through Downtown Los Angeles at night, feeling utterly and completely at peace.

Watching dust particles collecting on the end of the stick gives you a lot of time to think, and I began to visualize why I miss L.A. so much. Los Angeles is like my dirty, adventurous whore that likes to have sex in public areas . Austin is my safe husband that likes to sit at home and watch movies. Both have their good and bad points.

When I think of L.A., I get excited. The city leaves me in a perpetual state of blue balls. I can’t get her out of my mind and I finding myself wanting to go back for more. Austin is comfortable. It’s nice and it’s safe…and I don’t mean that in the lackluster sense. Austin is where I can be normal. Lead a normal life, meet someone and settle down, have a creative career, and name my children (more…)

Sigh…

I’m learning to understand and respect other people’s downfalls.

I’ve been working full steam ahead on my novel so I haven’t had much time to write on my blog. This post is just going to be about random stuff.

-In light of the young man that was trampled and killed at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, I highly recommend that everyone see WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? This movie is about the activist group Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping. Reverend Billy has preached anti-consumerism for years. He and his congregation sing in public areas about shopping locally and boycotting conglomerates like Wal-Mart and Starbucks. America has gotten out of control and our current economic state is the outcome to prove it. What the fuck happened to us? What happened to interacting with your friends and family instead of playing video games and hanging out at the mall? How the hell can someone get trampled to death all because a TV was on sale? Spend this holiday making a gift for your loved ones, believe (more…)

…It’s making me uncomfortable.

Sigh. I knew this day would come.

I really appreciate you taking an interest in reading it, but it’s creeping me out.

I know it’s a good way for you to see into the brain of your daughter, but it unnerves me that you can read all about my dating history and other slightly embarrassing facts that I don’t mind sharing with the world, but mind sharing with you.

You know how you want to keep a golden image of yourself with me? Well, that’s the same way I feel about me to you! I don’t want you knowing that I had an affair with a big Hollywood agent (actually, you already know this) or that I used to drink myself to sleep on Friday nights at 9PM (oh wait, you know this too because I used to call you before passing out). Well, it’s more of that now I feel like I can’t write about certain things. I just picture you sitting there at your comp, thinking, “What’s my wonderful little girl up to today?”, click on my website, see a posting that says something along the lines (more…)

To remind yourself when you’re dating an idiot and you forget you deserve better. Excuse the font inconsistency.

1. Thou Shall Not Date a Man That Never Calls You.

-Think about it, ladies. If he doesn’t care enough to see how you’re doing, he doesn’t care enough to date you. He’s not too shy, or too busy, or too anything. He’s not interested.

2. Thou Shall Not Date a Man That Only Calls You After 10PM.

-We all know what this means. Hooking up with him on his terms will not make him anymore likely to date you, no matter how much you think it will.

3. Thou Shall Not Date a Man Who Is Unable to Communicate.

-You’re just going to get frustrated and assume a lot. You don’t want to date a caveman, do you?

4. Thou Shall Not Date a Man Who Doesn’t Ask How You Are.

-That’s just rude. Sounds easy enough, but if a guy can’t peek his head out of his ass to ask about your day, then just shove his head back in and walk away.

5. Thou Shall Not Date a Man Who is Emotionally Unavailable.

-You are not (more…)