Writing

Jeff Goldblum Haunts My Dreams

When somebody begins a sentence with, “I had the craziest dream last night…”, I typically have to grab hold of the nearest stationary object in order to prevent myself from briskly and purposely standing up and walking away. It takes every iota of strength for me to muster a smile and pretend to act interested in the impending story. Most of the time, I end up looking like a constipated child as I stand there, trying to ignore the rumble of anxiety that is boiling inside of me. Inside I scream , “Dear Lord, please don’t let me sit through another one of these!”, but instead, I grit and bear it and try to remember my mother’s suggestion that it’s not about me all the time, that other people have a right to talk as well.
However, I feel that even the best storyteller can not make a dream story interesting. Michael, the German, who has stories about taking a dump on the NYC subway platform during the middle of the work day and microwaving a dead cat, wouldn’t be able to make a dream story (more…)
April 5, 2010 by
Writing

A Note to My Parents: That’s Some Cold Shit


“Your Grandmother wants you to move back to Central New York. She thinks you can find a job in Syracuse or something”

“WHAT?! First of all that is crazy talk. Central New York is the most economically depressing and subsequently emotionally depressing area of the country I’ve ever seen. Secondly, I love Austin and I’ve made a great life for myself. Why does she want me to move back? Because she misses me or because she thinks I can’t take care of myself?”

“Well, we worry about you becoming a vagabond. You know….”

“What?!”

“We just don’t want you to become a certain 56 year-old man that we know.”

“57, Mom.”

“He’s not 57.”

“Yes, he is. He was born two years before you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ve been not married to your father more than I was married to him, so how the hell should I know?”

“Dad really enjoys his life. Yes, he’s maybe had two wives, lived in seven different states, had thirty different jobs, and thirty-five cars, and now he’s an actor in Los Angeles, but he’s happy!”

Silence.

Then (more…)

April 2, 2010 by
Writing

Music- Who is Arthur Russell? (This Will Most Likely Change Your Life)


Arthur Russell seems to be part of the hot, new hipster music trend right now, and understandably so.

Not only was Russell a brilliant musician, but lived the life hipsters dream of: homosexual male living in East Village during the 70’s and 80’s and hanging out with Phillip Glass, Allen Ginsberg, David Byrne, and Laurie Anderson.
Or maybe that’s just my dream.
I did not know of Russell until I moved to Austin, TX. His music seems to be on par with the soul of this city. Though New York and Texas are worlds apart, I have no doubt Russell would have liked it here.
Listening to Russell’s music feels like tiny fingers closing in on your heart. With the beginning of each song, the same loss of breathe equivalent to falling in love escapes you. If you believe in soul mates, then his voice and cello met their match.
Who is Arthur Russell to me?
He was a Sunday afternoon.
Bed sheets blowing in the wind. Or twisted up on a bed.
A white wall.
A distant dream.
Driving around at 3AM.
Being five years old (more…)
April 1, 2010 by
Writing

Broke Hipster Budgeting Tips

Last night, I came across a helpful article titled, “How to Save Money the Hipster Way” on WalletPop. The author, Steven Kent, was pretty spot on with his list: “Thou shall not pay more than $20 for a show” or “Thou shall not pay more than $2 for beer” seems to ring true with every hipster.

However, I noticed a few items missing.

Here is my list on how to save money the hipster way.

How do you save?

1.) Shop at Thrift Stores– Well, duh. When I was 16 and stupid, shopping at the Salvation Army was not even a thought in my head. I wore vintage clothing, but only from the treasure troves of my mother and grandmother’s closets. Now, ten years later, I ONLY shop at thrift stores. What did I know? Nothing. My favorite thrift store in Austin is Thrift Town. It’s a southwestern chain with great specials every month. The items below I got during their 50% off sale. $2.99 for the shoes, $3.99 for the dress.

2.) Repurpose Old Clothing/Buy Accessories– When you get the urge to buy a new outfit, stop. Chances (more…)

March 30, 2010 by
Writing

Who Has the Best Abs for a Dead Dude?

While I work on a post about being a poor hipster…
Who Has the Best Abs for a Dead Guy?
What is your pick?

“I may or may not be wearing underwear right now. You decide.”


             “Do you think these pants conceal my hips? I feel fat today.”


                  “Come any closer and I’ll slice you with my abs.”
         I never knew Paul Newman was Jewish. My grandma would approve!
                           Fail.
                         “Cary, do you think this makes us look gay?”

                                                What a bush!
     (more…)
March 29, 2010 by
Writing

Oodles and Pickles

It’s not hard for me to ramble on just about anything.
I can tell you in great detail how I improperly wore tampons by shoving them in my cootch only halfway or used to drink myself to sleep by 9PM on Friday nights (not before documenting it on camera). I can wax poetic about all the dudes whose asses I’ve seen and explain how I used to go after men who most likely ate paint chips as a child.

Those things I don’t mind talking about.

However, there is one topic that I rarely discuss. It’s a subject so dear to me, I have difficulty mustering the words to describe how I feel. Even now, I can’t find the words to convey how I can’t find the words about how I feel towards my family. The emotions are just so big that any attempt at description will involve endless adjectives and run on sentences.

Since coming to the conclusion that I will not be making it home this summer for the first time in six years, I’ve been dwelling on the fact that the people I love are getting old. I’m getting old. Time is (more…)
March 29, 2010 by
Writing

A Brutally Embarrassing Coming-of-Age Story

My mother wanted to keep me in an arrested state of development. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s that most parents don’t want to see their little babies grow up. Or maybe they don’t want us to become familiar with our burgeoning sexuality and have us shame the family by getting knocked up at 15. Maybe they’re just prude. Or asexual. Which might both be the case with my mother (Yo Mom, if you’re reading this, STOP RIGHT NOW!)

At 13 when most girls had freshly shaved appendages and a new found interest in what Victoria’s Secret had to offer, I was still tomboyin’ it with furry legs and a sports bra that may or may not have stunted my breast growth. Mom told me there was no reason to grow up so quickly and like so many stupid stupid children, I believed what my mother told me.

Take for example her neglecting to introduce me to tampons.

For years, when I got my period, I’d walk around with a bulky pad between my legs. The official adult diaper (no, well, I guess that would be Depends, wouldn’t it?). (more…)

March 26, 2010 by
Film, Pop Culture

The Kids in the Hall vs. The State

The 90’s was not my favorite decade for personal reasons (nose seemingly disproportionate to the rest of my face, catepillar eyebrows, discovering my sexuality through Elton John circa 1972), HOWEVER, it was my favorite decade for sketch comedy.
Only two troupes stand out in my mind as rulers of 90’s sketch- CBC’s The Kids in the Hall and MTV’s The State.
If you don’t know who either are, you’re a fucking loser.
There, I said it.
Somebody had to.

My roommate brought home the newly released The State DVD boxset tonight and I got myself reaquinted with the show. I watched The State when it was still on MTV, way before I ever discovered what The Kids in the Hall was.

I must have thought I was a pretty fucking awesome twelve year-old.
When I saw The Kids in the Hall “Brain Candy“ a few years later, I was at first appalled, then turned on. Wild intrigue manifested into manical obsession and I lost a great deal of friends during this time due to my forcing them to reenact “Buddy (more…)
March 25, 2010 by
Writing

How To Be A 1980’s Awesome Man

Bryan Ferry, Danny Elfman, Robert Palmer, Peter Gabriel, David Byrne.

What do these men all have in common?

I would each have their child and it would be the most beautiful and talented family that was ever created!!!

We’d name our children names like “Radio” and “Soliloquy” and all live on our own island somewhere in the Caribbean. Byrne and Ferry will co-write a song about me titled, “The Girl Standing On the Window Ledge” and duet battle onstage to see who has the best awkward vibrato. At some point it’s decided that I will manage all five of them and try to name the group “The Fer Elf Pal Gab Byr Five”. Egos flair up over who has the sexiest swagger and Elfman takes a defiant dump during the middle of a performance to show who is boss. The band breaks up three shows in, and Gabriel takes all the children to an African music camp. I go into a deep depression that I numb with the help of horse tranquilizers. Ferry and Palmer run off with underaged English models and Byrne turns our Caribbean (more…)
March 24, 2010 by
Writing

Top Ten Ways We Know We’re Turning Into Our Parents

I am a product of the Baby Boomers born in the Millennium Generation. I often fancy myself as a child still. Full of naivety and wonder.
However, lately, signs are pointing to the opposite.

While discussing the importance of comfortable shoes with my friend yesterday, I looked up at a mirror and saw my mother looking back at me. The same hand gestures, the same facial expressions, the same use of the phrase, “Out. Of. This. World!”- the Mom equivalent of “OMG!”, when describing an item that I like (an item such as brand new SAS loafers).

My mother is a beautiful and strong woman, I’d be so lucky to turn into her, but having overly-animated conversations with her about “The Housewives of Orange County” and taking up her suggestion of including a bowl of Fiber One in my daily diet frightens me a little. What happened to the defiant child that locked herself in her room when a Michael McDonald record came on in the house? Or the girl that used to make fun of her father when he fell asleep in (more…)

March 23, 2010 by