How To Be A 1980’s Awesome Man

Bryan Ferry, Danny Elfman, Robert Palmer, Peter Gabriel, David Byrne.

What do these men all have in common?

I would each have their child and it would be the most beautiful and talented family that was ever created!!!

We’d name our children names like “Radio” and “Soliloquy” and all live on our own island somewhere in the Caribbean. Byrne and Ferry will co-write a song about me titled, “The Girl Standing On the Window Ledge” and duet battle onstage to see who has the best awkward vibrato. At some point it’s decided that I will manage all five of them and try to name the group “The Fer Elf Pal Gab Byr Five”. Egos flair up over who has the sexiest swagger and Elfman takes a defiant dump during the middle of a performance to show who is boss. The band breaks up three shows in, and Gabriel takes all the children to an African music camp. I go into a deep depression that I numb with the help of horse tranquilizers. Ferry and Palmer run off with underaged English models and Byrne turns our Caribbean compound into a self-sustaining cyclist Eutopia and kicks me off the island. I swim back to the States, sleep in a homeless shelter, and tell anyone who will listen the story of my five rock star ex-husbands.

When I wasn’t daydreaming about our not-so-perfect little family, I was thinking of ways I could dress/be like these men. My parents had every reason to question my sexual identity when I preferred to dress in Byrne’s “big suit” vs. girly leggings and graphic shirts that screamed, “Cupcake!” on them.

If you spent the better part of your childhood trying to be a 1980’s Awesome Man, then look no further. Here are guidelines below:

1.) Asperger’s– It’s important that you act highly awkward in social situations. Ways to achieve this? a.) Stare at someone for long periods of time with no facial expression whatsoever b.) Exit a conversation by simply disappearing c.) Answer a question being asked to you ten minutes later, long after the conversation has ended d.) Talk about metaphysics for abnormal lengths of time.

2.) Crooner-esque– Make sure to wear a tuxedo at all times. Morning, day, night. You want to keep that appearance every time you wake up next to a new model. She opens her eyes and rolls over to see you sitting up in your satin tails, bow tie unraveled, cig in hand, and mouthing “Love is the Drug” softly in her ear.

3.) Tank Tops– Tank tops go with anything. They go with slacks. They go with suspenders. They go with demonic theatrical sounding vocals. Don’t be afraid to embrace the tank. They accentuate body hair and sweat. This is a good thing.

4.) Hot Expressionless Women– Surround yourself with them, because no matter how crooked your teeth may be, these women will make you look important. Dressing them in tight black dresses without bras and glossy red lipstick is even better. Sure, you might come across as a chauvinistic prick, but that’s part of the game, baby.

5.) Africa– It was a staple in the 80’s that if you were a man and you were white, you had to incorporate African beats into your music. It made anything you create sound ten times better.

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  • Reply Christine Macdonald March 24, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Now you're talkin'. Love your style kiddo.

    Living in that era kicked ass.

  • Reply Colleen March 24, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    I love taking a trip through your imagination, especially when it involves rockstar polygamy.

  • Reply Kate March 24, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Absolutely LOVED this post.

    Kate x

  • Reply bard March 24, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Reading your blog is like hanging out at the county fair sniffing glue with the carnies.

    Don't ask me how I know this.

  • Reply VegKat March 24, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    This post made me orgasm. Multiple times.

  • Reply Linds March 24, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    20 years later, Vampire Weekend will exploit your technique. And African music all over again.

  • Reply Benny Paul March 24, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    I was expecting Phil Collins to make an appearance, but I'm glad he didn't. Peter Gabriel has always been twice as awesome and had the best of all nasally-throaty British '80s voices.

    I'd pay top dollar to see BF and DB have an awkward off. I think that, before they even got to the vibrato-duel, they'd spend at least a half hour staring at various objects in the room and posing in their respective suits.

    And man, I still don't know whether or not I think sterile '80s babes are attractive…

  • Reply Heidi March 24, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Gaad you're funny… thanks for the howl…

  • Reply Christopher March 24, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    And here I've been trying to cover up my body hair and sweat with you know, clothes and deodorant. I'm gonna be such a ladies man now because of you.

  • Reply IT March 25, 2010 at 12:29 am

    I can lif-sync and play air guitar….

  • Reply cjschlottman March 25, 2010 at 2:42 am

    Lauren, After a crappy day yesterday and an even more crappy one today, your hysterical post worked on me like CPR, unfortunately without the mouth-to-mouth part. You are amazing.

  • Reply RoSe March 25, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    I don't think my boyfriends' vacant stares and delayed answers can qualify under #1, I agree on the tank tops, hot. I would add Hugh Grant to my list for the humor / bad boy element. Thanks for a fun post.

  • Reply T!nK March 27, 2010 at 1:44 am

    HAHAHAHA!!! I worked for a woman with asperger's

  • Reply Layla Winterborne March 27, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Lol. LOVE!

    But, I've already had Elfman's redheaded babies… 😉

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