Jeff Goldblum Haunts My Dreams

When somebody begins a sentence with, “I had the craziest dream last night…”, I typically have to grab hold of the nearest stationary object in order to prevent myself from briskly and purposely standing up and walking away. It takes every iota of strength for me to muster a smile and pretend to act interested in the impending story. Most of the time, I end up looking like a constipated child as I stand there, trying to ignore the rumble of anxiety that is boiling inside of me. Inside I scream , “Dear Lord, please don’t let me sit through another one of these!”, but instead, I grit and bear it and try to remember my mother’s suggestion that it’s not about me all the time, that other people have a right to talk as well.
However, I feel that even the best storyteller can not make a dream story interesting. Michael, the German, who has stories about taking a dump on the NYC subway platform during the middle of the work day and microwaving a dead cat, wouldn’t be able to make a dream story intriguing.
It’s because dreams are not real, and any exciting or magical event that happens in a dream is simply one giant blue ball for the listener.
“…So then I fought off the ninja with this curtain rod, right? And I spear it through his chest and rip out his heart and fling it against the wall and….”
Lauren walks into the room, mouth agape.
“Holy shit! You killed a ninja last week? Your Mom is going to be pissed that you used her curtain rod to sacrifice someone.”
“No, Lauren, I was just telling Ricardo about my dream last night.”
“Fuck you and your dreams!”
With all this being said, I want to share with you the most common reoccurring dream that I have. It involves dinosaurs. When it doesn’t involve dinosaurs, it involves the aliens from Independence Day. My only assumption is that the films I watched when entering puberty somehow burned a permanent scar onto my psyche.
Or maybe it has something to do with The Blum.
Maybe all the films I saw as a prepubescent that starred Jeff Goldlbum left an imprint on my soul? Maybe the dinosaurs and aliens represent his sheer girth of his manliness my 13 year-old gawky body could not handle. If snakes in dreams represent penises, then what do gigantic Tyrannosaurus Rex *individuals represent???

*PLURALS (from Dinosauria)

A question frequently asked of paleontologists is how to form the plural of a species. If an author is writing about a pack of 15 Tyrannosaurus rex individuals, for example, he wants to know whether to refer to them as tyrannosauri, tyrannosauruses, or some other form of plural. The correct answer is “none of the above,” as when referring to taxa there are no plurals.

Taxa are singular entities. There is only one Amniota, one Reptilia, one Dinosauria, and so on. This extends to the species level: there is only one Tyrannosaurus rex, for example. Each individual of the speciesTyrannosaurus rex is a specimen of the taxon; the individual is not, strictly speaking, the taxon itself.

When referring to several individuals that belong to a specific taxon, the writer must refer to the taxon in the singular and the individuals in the plural. A correct way for the writer, in the example above, to refer to his pack of 15 Tyrannosaurus rex individuals might be “… a pack of 15 specimens of Tyrannosaurus rex…” or “… the pack, comprised of 15 Tyrannosaurus rex individuals…”

It is perfectly acceptable, however, to form plurals of vernacular names. A writer might use the vernacular reptile, dinosaur or tyrannosaur to refer to a single specimen of Reptilia, Dinosauria or Tyrannosaurus. The writer may use the vernacular plurals reptiles, dinosaurs or tyrannosaurs to refer to more than one individual of Reptilia, Dinosauria or Tyrannosaurus.
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  • Reply Erin Lee Ware April 5, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    not that i put too much credence in dream interpretation, but check these out: http://en.mimi.hu/dreams/dinosaur.html

  • Reply Stephanie April 5, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    I feel the exact same way! It's just a dream, there is no escaping the fact that it didn't actually happen and I wasn't there and it probably doesn't mean antyhign significant, and you can't remember most of it anyway. However that said, I still can't stop myself telling everyone and anyone if I've had a cool dream!

  • Reply Melanie's Randomness April 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Well dear I don't think it helps that Independence Day is on TV somewhere at least every 2 weeks!! Ironically Jurrassic Park 2 was on last night so i think I fell alseep to Jeff Goldblum talking!!

  • Reply April April 5, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Whoa. You had me until the spewing of the explanation behind the plural T-Rex.

    I do agree, however, that listening to someone else explain their dreams is the most painful thing to have to sit through… ever! T

    he Blum is geeky hot, so I guess it could be worse, right? Imagine having reoccurring dreams of every movie you saw Danny Devito in? {shudder}

  • Reply Allie April 5, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    dreams are silly. talking about them is even sillier because halfway through the story you realize that either the seemingly logical dream makes no sense or you forget the rest of the story!

  • Reply Terp2it/Chris Trew April 5, 2010 at 7:38 pm


  • Reply Christina In Wonderland April 5, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    I hate my own dreams, because they tease me with wonderfulness and then I wake up and I'm all like, WTF? I want to sleep forever and live in my own little dream world. Ah. Bliss.

  • Reply Katie April 5, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    I like hearing about other people's dreams? Maybe it's just because I like knowing other people's subconsciouses (what's the plural of that?) are more screwed up than my own.

    Also, this is the second post referencing Jeff Goldblum I've read in the last five minutes. Weird.

  • Reply joel April 5, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Dear Lauren,

    You are a crazy person, and by this I'm very entertained. Thank you for expressing your thoughts and feelings so eloquently.


  • Reply Krystal April 5, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    that is messed up. i read it all though. now about my dream: my husband SOLD MY DOG! i cried forever and ever and when i woke up i wanted to kill him. but i told my dog it was ok and we were all fine 🙂 the end

  • Reply fairyquitecontrary April 6, 2010 at 9:52 am

    It's The Goldblums hypnotic soothing voice. It's infiltrated your psyche forever. His silky smooth voice is chocolate to your (dream)soul!

  • Reply Susie Q April 6, 2010 at 10:01 am

    ahh the blum! That's all I have to say…

  • Reply zachary April 6, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    9 out of 10 times i can't even remember what my dreams were about..

  • Reply Tocalabocina April 6, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    The only time that the dreams of others intrigue me even remotely is when I am featured, or at least have a significant cameo, in them.

    I determine that they hate me, envy me, or are desperately in love with me based on what sort of little story their subconcious created about me.

    Unfortunately people usually dream about exes, or work; sometimes dinosaurs.

  • Reply Kati April 6, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    But dreams are the window to the soul…don't you want to see into peoples' SOULS??

    Yeah, maybe not.

  • Reply EMQ April 7, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    I am that person regaling people with my dreams pretty much on a daily basis. I have super vivid color taste and smell in my dreams…and I even lucid dream sometimes (meaning I know I'm dreaming so I can control what happens. I often decide to fly)
    So note to self, if we ever meet, do not tell you about the insanity of my sleep-time scenarios.
    And how is it that before I started reading your Blog, I never saw Goldblum's sexiness? And Now I can't not see it…

  • Reply Benny April 8, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    I believe that there are 2 situations where other people's dreams are interesting.
    1) When they star you
    2) When they are embarrassingly boring to the teller.

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