Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

Teenage Wasteland

People under the age of 20 scare the living hell out of me.

Teenagers have zero understanding of how life works. Unless they grew up in a Little Orphan Annie-type setting. Then they understand the way life works more than I’ll ever want to know. Because most teenagers are inexperienced with the ways of the world, they are prone to doing terrible and illogical things such as shooting animals, driving drunk, taking dumps in public spaces, and wearing pajama bottoms for pants.

When I think about the potential ways that I am to expire, death by teenager is one of my greatest fears. Teenagers act without knowledge of ramifications. They will shoot you point blank with a smile and then go eat a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. THEY WILL EAT YOUR FIRSTBORN AND THEN USE THEIR RIB CAGES AS TOOTHPICKS.

If you don’t agree with me, take a look at this story that happened on Friday night.

A friend and I were out and about on the hipster-centric east side of Austin. After the bars closed, (more…)

March 7, 2011 by
Film, Hipstercrite Life

Swimming with Sharks: The Life of a Personal Assistant in Hollywood

The style of an assistant- bags under the eyes, frizzy hair, bewildered look on face

There is a time in my life that I rarely discuss on my blog, yet it constituted a significant part of my story. It was the five years I was a personal assistant in Hollywood. I don’t talk about this chapter for a few reasons- 1.) I respect the privacy of my former employers 2.) I consider my former employers friends 3.) I signed confidentiality agreements that would threaten the soul of my first born. Truthfully, the first two are more important to me then the latter. Though there are a lot of fun and crazy stories I’m itching to tell, I would never share them on a public forum.

Last evening I watched the film I was first told to watch when I moved to LA in 2004. That movie is Swimming with Sharks. This indie gem chronicles the complicated relationship between straight-off-the-bus assistant Guy (Frank Whaley) and his heartless, demonic producer boss Buddy (Kevin Spacey). After a year of enduring (more…)

March 2, 2011 by
Austin, Film, Music, Pop Culture

Dear God Please Give Me the Strength to Get Through SXSW

SXSW is starting in eleven days and I’m absolutely shitting my pants terrified in complete denial.

My brain simply does not want to admit the reality that this behemoth is descending upon us like Godzilla with a bad case of diarrhea over Tokyo.

The South by Southwest Interactive/Music/Film festival is so big, they can’t even narrow it down to one category. It has to be three. And not just three rinky dink categories, but three of the largest in the world! SXSW has become a festival like no other. Everyone and their Mom visits Austin and the city functions in a mass state of chaos for ten days until every collectively blacks out.

How big is SXSW you ask? Well, according to the official SXSW website, last year alone there were almost 2,000 musical acts, 300 feature and short films, and 500 interactive events. These are just the official events. What makes SXSW unique is that, unlike many other festivals, there are equally if not more unofficial events surrounding the festival. (more…)

March 1, 2011 by
Hipstercrite Life

My Mom Blog

Mom blogs seem to be all the trend. I’m not sure why.
Don’t people relate better to self-involved twenty-something blogs? I mean reading long-winded soliloquies about ex-boyfriends and designer shoes is something we all enjoy, right?

Whether it be Dooce or The Bloggess or the ten million other popular Mom blogs, exploiting your offspring seems to be where it’s at.

Well, I never told you guys, but I have a daughter. Her name is Luanne and I gave birth to her yesterday. She’s a fantastic child. When she exited the womb she could already talk. Her first word was, “Jesus!”, but I don’t think it was in a “I love Jesus!” kind of way, but more like a, “What the fuck just happened?!” kind of way. We’ll need to teach her not to take the Lord’s name in vain.

Isn’t she a cutie patootie?

I gotta tell you though, Luanne was born hairy as shit. In my drug-induced daze I can even recall the nurses putting their hands up to their mouths and pointing. I have a feeling that the sperm bank lied (more…)
February 28, 2011 by
Film, Pop Culture

The Top 4 Best Career Redemptions

One of the highly anticipated screenings of SXSW 2011 is the Jodie Foster-directed The Beaver starring Mel Gibson and his hand. The film chronicles the story of Walter Black (Gibson)- a depressed CEO, husband, and father who decides to solely communicate with his family and the world with a beaver puppet.

I posted on Facebook that I was very excited about this movie, which led to a barrage of messages suggesting that there was something wrong with me. Why would I possibly want to see a Mel Gibson movie? He’s a anti-Semitic sociopath who conjures up really weird and violent metaphors when venting his anger towards people. Gibson definitely sealed the coffin shut on his career during the second wave of craziness with his ex-baby mama. No one particularly likes Mel Gibson- except for Jodie Foster- who has hung in there with him since the beginning of his downfall. Will she be just the thing to save him with her new movie? Who knows? All I know is that the human story surrounding this movie- (more…)

February 25, 2011 by
Film, Pop Culture, Writing

There Was a Time I Watched Way Too Much X-files

On my ride in to work yesterday morning, I had a gnawing feeling that it was a special day. A famous day in history or someones birthday. A day that needed celebration! I thought about it for a minute and then it hit me- it was Dana Scully’s birthday!

How the fuck did I remember that, I’ll pretend you asked?

Well, I used to be embarrassingly obsessed with The X-files. Like forced my elementary school friends to call me ‘Spooky’ obsessed. Paraded around in pantsuits at eleven years of age obsessed. Read poorly written NC-17 fan fiction during the beginning days of household Internet obsessed. Lulled myself to sleep night after night with dreams of Mulder and Scully taking off those dismal 90’s suits and gettin’ busy obsessed.

I had every episode on tape. Every book, every magazine, every newspaper clipping about the show was neatly pressed in binders. I built a shrine to The X-files in my childhood bedroom equipped with posters, action figures, and makeshift FBI badges and guns.

So, (more…)

February 24, 2011 by
Music, Pop Culture

The Best Song Lyrics for Facebook Status Updates

People like quoting song lyrics as Facebook/Twitter updates typically for one of two reasons- 1.) They’ve run out of things to say 2.) They think it makes them sound interesting.

However, people often have really shitty taste in music. Take for example this article sent to me by Austin Carnivore from the men’s lifestyle blog MadeMan- “10 Good Music Lyrics for Facebook Status”
#1  is Linkin Park’s “The Catalyst” and includes moving lyrics such as- “God bless us everyone. We’re a broken people living under a loaded gun.”

Damn. That’s some good shit right there. I’m sure men everywhere are thanking you, MadeMan, for representing the male species’ under-appreciated taste in music.

Most of the lyrics I see Tweeted or FB‘d are usually pretty hipstery songs that give the illusion that the poster is wise and insightful. Or give the illusion to the poster that they are giving the illusion that they are wise and insightful. Lot’s of indie crap and references to Joy Division.

Forget Lady (more…)

February 22, 2011 by
Writing

Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin

I often refer to my blog as the ol’ ball and chain. At the extreme, I equate it to the monster that Dr. Frankenstein lost control of. Gene Wilder’s Dr. Frankenstein that is. If I’m going to be any Frankenstein it’s going to be one with an awesome head of curly hair and pencil mustache. On really bad days, I refer to my blog as an animate object and scream defiant remarks at it.

I whine about my blog because as of lately, she dictates my schedule, has minor control over my emotions and dominates my thoughts. This sounds a little extreme but I made a promise to stick with this blog and I have no intention of backing down. Being an only child with a paternal role model who had over 30 jobs, 35 cars, and lived in 13 different states, it’s often easy for me not to follow through on projects. This is one instance where I haven’t let that happen. I’m committed to my blog and I anticipate a day where a future significant other tells me that I’ve chosen the blog over them.

Since I’ve been (more…)

February 21, 2011 by
Writing

My Blah

Grandma: “How is your blah doing?”
Me: “My what?”
Grandma: “You know, that thing you write on? How is it spelled? B-L-A-H?”
Me: “Oh, you mean my blog?”
Grandma: “A what?”
Me: “A blog! Like ‘log’ with a ‘b’.”
Grandma: “A blog?!”
Me: “Yes!”
Grandma: “What the hell is that?”

She had a very excellent point. What the hell is a blog and why is not called blah?

My mother and grandmother’s behavior has been very ‘blah’-worthy as of lately.
Blahworthy being code word for slowly turning into The Beales.
But instead of dramatic New England accents and dozens of cats looking for attention, we have Jewish nagging and my Grandma’s boyfriend, Lionel- a crusty old man in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and looking for attention.

It’s all started with my Grandmother’s horrible back pain. Being the stoic Depression-born woman that she is, Grandma was in complete denial about it. She walked buckled over in pain, near the point of throwing up, but refused to take any medicine. Wait- (more…)

February 17, 2011 by
Music, Pop Culture

I Still Look Up When You Walk in the Room

Holy crap! I wrote a really long story for the hell of it. 
Let’s just say that I’ve been listening to waaaaay too much Fleetwood Mac lately.

The absolutely best part of the story is when the song he wrote about me came on the radio while we were physically fighting.

That was the hysterical part. What are the odds that that song would play while he was holding my throat against a windshield? I mean, so what it reached #1 back in 2002? Even in my slightly incapacitated state, I found the irony perfect.

I guess this would be the worst part of the story. He held his hand against my throat long enough to make me start to black out but our drummer, Seth, flew out of what seemed like the second story balcony of the hotel and body slammed Ryan to the ground. It seriously was like Spiderman shit. I saw Seth coming in and my eyes must have widened to the size of saucers. Ryan really had no idea what was about to hit him.

They wrestled around on the floor for awhile and the parking lot (more…)

February 16, 2011 by