I decided not to go to Europe.
It was a tough decision to make, but the only affordable option I had was to go next week for a few days capped by 25+ hour travel days. Thinking about that made my head spin. The only reason why I would go is because I want to see Geoff. I miss him terribly. A couple of days in Europe is no way to see Europe. I will get to Europe one day when I have the money and the time and the travel partner.
I was very disappointed in myself for not being more “spontaneous” and just going to Europe, but compounded by my fear of flying, the whole situation was making my anxiety debilitating. As I get older, I’m learning what makes me comfortable and what doesn’t. I’m also learning when I’m just being a big pussy. It’s a hard thing to admit when you’ve always thought of yourself as an adventurous person. Compared to my boyfriend, I’m not adventurous. He will go swim with sharks, climb suicide cliffs and get purposely lost in extreme natural settings. I feel the need to keep up with him, but situations like that go against my inner voice who is screaming, “I will fucking disown you if you swim with sharks!”. I’m in the processing of understanding that it’s ok if I want to hang back on the beach, stand at the bottom of the cliff or not spend half my travel time on multiple planes to Europe.
I’ve beaten myself up over this decision, but I standing confident in that I finally made a decision. So, enough of that.
“Just wait until you have real problems to deal with,” my father reminded me yesterday.
The point of this post is about how long distance relationships suck major ass.
How the f do people do it?
Having Geoff gone has made me run the emotional gamut and I’m not quite sure why. I’ve been depressed, angry, giddy and optimistic and he’s only gone 3 months!
I know this is a good test for our relationship and blah blah blah, yeah, shove it! This Sucks with a capital “S”. I miss that face.
When people in Austin tell me that they’re dating someone in NYC or LA or Omaha, I smile politely, but inside I’m thinking, “What the f is the matter with you?!”
I understand that in your 20s, work and monetary situations can cause two people to be apart and I also understand that one or the other partner doesn’t want to uproot their life just for a relationship. But, shit! How much does it suck not to have that person to hold onto, to hug, to kiss, to turn to when you’re sad, to turn to when you’re happy and to share adventures with? How much does it suck when you look at pictures of them having a lot of fun and you’re not there to have fun with them?
How much does Skype suck? Whomever invented Skype should be branded in the ass. I’ve had issues with Skype ever since my boss in Hollywood forced me to use it when he traveled overseas. It’s distracting having a tiny version of yourself staring back at you while you’re trying to have a conversation with someone else. It’s a recovering narcissist’s worst nightmare!
I’m enjoying all the work I’m getting done and becoming reacquainted with myself, but having Geoff as a partner in crime is so much more fun.
I’m dating an artist and I’m kind of an artist and I need to remind myself that artists don’t lead normal lives. They go to Portugal for three months (Geoff) or shoot movies that take up their time (Geoff) or write books and lock themselves in closets (Me in the future) or get moody and take lots of naps (Me). I’ve never been normal, I don’t want to be normal and I want to live a fantastical life, so why do I want anything but right now?