I switched my blog over to WordPress a little over a month ago and I love it. Well, actually my wonderful web designer did because I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I mean, I could have maybe figured it out but I resorted back to that illogical fear that I’ll somehow make my blog implode by pushing the wrong button.
I love the options, the freedom I feel in writing multiple posts and the ability to respond to individual comments that the new blog brings. I still need to add some design work, but all-in-all, I’m very happy with the change.
One thing that stinks is that my traffic took a plummet. I’m still trying to figure out why and trying to correct the problem- if that’s possible. It kind of stressed me out. More than I care to admit. A lot of aspects of my writing have stressed me out lately and I hate to say it, but they’re for fairly superficial reasons.
Writing online is both extremely rewarding and mind-f’ing. One post you get a bunch of feedback or shares or likes and you feel on top of the world. The next sees none. You rack your brain as to why? Shouldn’t everyone just absolutely love what you do all of the time? Or maybe your traffic grows and you start thinking, “Wow, maybe my blog/post/article will go somewhere!” You start aiming big. You become addicted to the instant gratification of online writing and you find yourself a slave to it.
Until yesterday, when I had to pull myself aside and have a very stern conversation with myself. It went something like this:
“What the f is the matter with you, Lauren? Quit pacing the house and sit down.”
“NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
“Of course I do, I’m you.”
“SHUT UP! No one likes me anymore!”
“I don’t like you right now.”
“But that’s because you’re being an ignorant jack ass.”
“Yes, but you already know that. You’re just afraid to admit it.”
“Well, I guess I just did it.”
I usually don’t have many self-deprecating conversations with myself, but yesterday I needed it.
I’ve never had a specific goal as to what I wanted my blog to be, so I can’t particularly yell at myself for getting off track. I can be upset at myself for become so wrapped-up, so concerned about something that ultimately doesn’t matter. Something that takes away from the whole idea of writing.
Why is good never enough? Not only with just a blog, but with everything? My life is damn near perfect. I have wonderful, supportive, and healthy boyfriend, friends and family, I’ve gotten a lot of work through my blog and I’ve met so many amazing people through it. What else could I possibly want? If the last remaining desire is money and notoriety, well, then I feel sorry for me. Sure it would be great to have a little bit more dough; right now I can just barely pay the bills- but I can pay them. But I’ve seen first hand what money and a little bit of notoriety does, and it’s usually not good. You just continue suffering from ‘good is never enough syndrome’ and you have difficulty being in the moment or even enjoying life. That’s not to say that everyone does, but a fair share do.
In a time of “Entrepreneurs Under 30”, kid bloggers and post-collegiate start-ups there is such emphasis on the young person being plugged in and therefore tuned out. When will we learn balance? Do we constantly have to strive for something more or can we just enjoy the journey?
A blogger friend with a popular site told me yesterday that he’s disconnecting for a month and traveling Europe. No computer, no blog. Just him and reality. At first I was dumbstruck by his seemingly quick ability to do this, but then the more I thought about it, the more envious I became. Not that I want to leave my blog for a month, but the idea that I could leave my blog for a month and be ok with it . That’s when you know you’ve found balance.