When someone asks me what my top ten favorite movies of all time are, I generally list eight films that make up a large chunk of my childhood from the ages of 4-8 (the other two films involve sadomachsim and a rock star wearing a giant suit that I watched between the ages of 16-19).
Below are a few movies from my childhood that are not only my favorites due to sentimental reasons, but also because of the hard-hitting life lessons they taught me growing up. They are movies that every kid should watch.
I know for certain if and when I bring a little one into this world, I will force him or her to watch every one of these movies every day for the first ten years of their life.
Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
Lesson 1: That all clowns- whether real or mechanical- are freakin’ scary as crap! They’ll oversee the stealing of your bike, then laugh at you maniacally when you realize it’s been stolen.
Lesson 2: That people will laugh at your lack of high school American history knowledge- even if they sound like white trash themselves.
Lesson 3: That people will pump you full of tequila and get you to dance awkwardly on a bar and laugh at you.
Moral of the story: People will laugh at you every opportunity they get, but not for the fact that you’re a grown man in a tiny suit whose greatest love has been that of inanimate object.
Back to the Future
Lesson 1: That it’s wise to check any potential mate’s family ancestry before going to town with them.
Lesson 2: That hooking up with your Mom creates a magical photo erasing power.
Lesson 3: That your Dad was most likely a perv growing up and may or may not have nabbed your Mom by doing pervy things because she’s into dudes that get hurt when doing pervy things, i.e. your parents are sexual weirdos.
Moral of the Story: Incest is wrong, unless you need to Photoshop a picture and don’t have access to Photoshop.
Lesson 1: That there is a good chance the building you lived in was once a meeting place for cult members who worshipped a tiny dog with horns that lives in your fridge.
Lesson 2: That when someone asks if you are a God, YOU SAY “YES!”
Lesson 3: That if you see a ghost, there is a chance you could just be menstruating.
Moral of the story: Rick Moranis is hot.
Lesson 1: That precocious children are not to be trusted with statue penises.
Lesson 2: That lifting your shirt up and shaking what’s underneath will gain you access to anywhere.
Lesson 3: Don’t sing “Rock a Bye Baby” to a mental challenged child who is mentally challenged due to you dropping him (thanks Muse)
Moral of the story: Don’t have children, unless they look or act like Data. Then you’ll just want to hug and kiss him after every cute little word that comes out of their tiny mouth.