Hipstercrite Life, Pop Culture

I Wanted to be a Narcissistic Middle-Aged Jewish Man as a Kid: How to Become Woody Allen

The other evening I watched Woody Allen’s Annie Hall and Manhattan for the first time in a long time. While watching the film, I was reminded of how badly I wanted to be a middle-aged narcissistic Jewish male as a child. Forget being the Little Mermaid or Rainbow Brite, I wanted to be a freakin’ horn-rimmed balding and big-nosed kvetch.

It should have been disconcerting to my mother that a young girl from Upstate New York would want to mold her future personality traits after someone such as Woody Allen. However, considering I had a penchant for dressing up as other short, but less narcissistic Jewish men- most notably 2 out of 5 of the Marx Brothers and Rod Serling- I guess it should have come as no surprise.

I recalled the other evening the precise feeling I had when I first watched those films. It was as if the light bulb had finally been turned on. Here were these people who lived in New York City, were unapologetically self-aware, vocally insecure, and flailed their arms around incessantly when they talked. Being an only child of Jewish lineage, I was already predestined to two out of four of these describing factors. All I needed was to move to New York City- the city she idolized all out of proportion.

Why are the characters within the world of Woody Allen so attractive to us? Why do we fall for these narcissistic anti-heroes? They’re not contributing anything to the world other than a lot of hot air. They’re self-serving, loud, and easily annoyed. They can’t relate to anyone other than their overtly flawed friends and they’re typically pessimistic of everything. On paper that sounds like a total winner, huh? So what is it? Is it that we appreciate their gaul? Do we secretly wish we had the balls to talk so incessantly about ourselves?

Whatever it is, I’ve taken note of what steps it’s are needed to become one.

How to Become a Character in a Woody Allen Movie:

Use Fluffy Words– Such as “transplendant” or “devasting” when describing something as minute as a brushing your teeth or eating breakfast. This will make whomever you’re talking to both equally want to punch you and jump your bones.

Jew– Being Jewish is the epicenter of your entire being. You’re convinced that everyone on the street knows that you’re Jewish and is muttering subliminal anti-semantic rant while interacting with you. Being Jewish will make up 30% of your conversations with people even though you haven’t gone to synagogue ever.

Date Someone, Get Bored with Them– It doesn’t matter if they’re an underage model or a journalist for Rolling Stone, dump ’em. They may be more substantially more beautiful than you but they’ll never be as interesting as you think you are.

It’s All About the Glasses– What’s the best sort of glasses you can wear? Ones that accentuate your already huge snoz. Remember, you’re trying to model yourself after Groucho Marx after all.

Bergman, Bergman, Bergman– Keep repeating that name over and over because it’s the only thing you should talk about. Bring Ingmar Bergman up in the most inappropriate time in conversation. Somebody’s wife just passed away? Bring up Bergman! Your doctor is doing a prostate exam? BERGMAN! If you run out of Bergman anecdotes, throw in something about Normal Mailer or F. Scott Fitzgerald while you bide time looking up Bergman facts on your iPhone.

Get Analytical– Start seeing a shrink in order to have about 40% of all conversations with family members, friends, and strangers be about what you and your shrink talked about that day. Explain your life in terms of Freud as a way to not apologize for any narcissistic tendencies you may have. Talk about how your shrink may be more f’ed up than you are, but you refuse to see any one different.

New York, New York– Though you will complain about it ALL OF THE TIME, you can not live anywhere other than New York. Your pessimism is parallel with the stereotypical negativity known in the city. If someone took you out of NYC, you would shrivel up and die. You’re afraid of anything that isn’t dirty, loud, or gray. Though you may talk trash about the city, you view it within the rose color-tinted glasses of Gershwin tunes.

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  • Reply Jodi September 14, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Ok now I officially have a friend crush on you. Also, my boyfriend is totally Woody Allen…as am I and the majority of the jews I know.

  • Reply the Tsaritsa September 14, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    I'm not Jewish, but I've always felt a bond with Woody. The dorkiness, the overthinking, the insufferable neurosis. Plus every time I watch one of his movies I fall in love with New York CIty all over again. Damn, I wish I lived there!

    Just posted more photos from my visit to a California ghost town called Bodie (http://thetsaritsasez.com/2011/09/ghost-town-revelations-more-photography.html), thought you might enjoy 🙂

  • Reply Wilde.Dash September 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    You're forgetting: if not talking about Bergman, speak of Fellini. Ignore people who believe his later films became incredibly indulgent.

    And yeah, I'm growing into Woody Allen more and more with every passing year. Did you see "Whatever Works"? Because Larry David in that movie was pretty much my grandfather, so I think it's in the genes…

  • Reply Hipstercrite September 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Jodi- Ha! Jews really are pretty similar, right? I tried to stay away from stereotyping our kind but when I realized that certain traits me and my family members had are extremely Jewish, it made the picture a lot clearer. We are an excited bunch!

    @Tsaritsa- Which Woody Allen movie is your favorite? I'll check out the pics now!

    @Wilde.Dash- Ha! Good point! No I have not. Shamefully I haven't seen an Allen film since Match Point. That movie made me kind of angry.

  • Reply Adria September 14, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    Um, drop whatever you are doing right now and go see "Midnight In Paris". Johansson-less, and fabulous.


  • Reply confidence with women September 15, 2011 at 2:26 am

    Hey great tips you've got here. I just love this actor! His really amazing on screen.

  • Reply tennysoneehemingway September 15, 2011 at 2:34 am

    Apart from not being Jewish and living in New York, I have most of these traits already. I'm over half way there!! Now, how do I go about converting?

  • Reply Penny Lane September 15, 2011 at 2:36 am

    Have you seen MIdnight in Paris lately? I am thoroughly in love with it. Perfection.

  • Reply Jenn - There's Your Karma September 15, 2011 at 3:37 am

    I went through a Woody Allen phase not too long ago. Suddenly, having a therapist wasn't enough: I needed an ANALYST. Woody and Co. were always talking about their analyst, MY ANALYST SAYS, etc…

  • Reply Genfik September 15, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    yay, youre post reminded me about my childish dreams.. I wanted to be Wilfred of Ivanhoe..you know, one day, when my grand mother saw me running on house backyard in costume created from old cooking pot and white grain sack with charcoal black cross on chest and wooden sword in hands..she kindly reminded me that I will be always Isaac of York and that there is no chance to change it because iam Jew…my grandama had always unicate ability to destroy all my dreams . About Allen's films, isnt it because he represent there so fittingly our behaviour? mean Jew one.. think that every Jew round the world have piece of Woodys characters inside. Jiri

  • Reply Kimberly Kaye September 15, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    I just….love. I love. I love you.

  • Reply Fräulein K. September 16, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I especially liked the part about Bergman.
    I have to admit, I once bought trousers just because they looked a bit like those cord trousers Allen always wears. And I've got big glasses. Of course.

  • Reply Jessica Druck September 26, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    I love woody allen <3

  • Reply Nancy October 5, 2011 at 6:03 am

    Thanks for the share!

  • Reply B October 11, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Nice list. I think the reason I still love Woody Allen movies is that they’re all so incredibly short. They have more big ideas than most movies, but end before most movies have even begun their half-assed third acts. Man I love Woody Allen.

    • Reply hipstercrite October 11, 2011 at 2:59 am

      Good point. That’s probably a reason why I like them too. I have a short attention span. ‘Manhattan’ feels a little long though. There is this ridiculously long scene of Woody running through NYC at the end.

  • Reply Dan August 13, 2013 at 10:58 am

    You can have it all!

  • Reply lily October 4, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    you forgot ‘molest your daughter’ + marry your girlfriend’s daughter

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