Music, Pop Culture

A Letter to David Bowie’s Crotch

Dear David Bowie’s Crotch,
What can I say, man? Wow. You’ve haunted me since I was five. I think you’ve kind of terrorized everyone for a long time. You’ve captured the attention of many nations and not let go. There is a remote village in Africa where they worship your likeness in a potato that a small child had dug from the Earth. The potato now sits on a makeshift shrine in the center of the village. The inhabitants look to you to converse with the rain gods when they’re going through a drought, but your potato does nothing but sit there and mock them.

Is that right?

Is it fair that you tease people with the idea that you hold magic powers within you? Is it fair that you drift through people’s dreams, standing dormant then uncoiling towards them like a violent snake? I don’t think so, man.

It’s time to let people go.

It’s time to go back to where you once belonged. I’m not really sure where that is, but, yeah, you go now.


I guess what has concerned me all these years, is your close proximity to other humans. I mean, look at those people above. You have them mesmerized. Completely in awe of your dangling girth. You could get them to do anything and my question to you is, would you use that power for good or for evil?

Something makes me think for evil and that is why you have to leave. Now.

I’ve never trusted you, David Bowie’s Crotch, and I’m here to tell you that I’ve recently discovered my purpose on this Earth- to banish the Package Dragon to the sea.

I think my greater concern is your even closer proximity to children.

It’s not right, dude. You shouldn’t be near kids, even if you’re enclosed in spandex. You have the ability to send rays of blinding light that will mess up their eyesight and they’ll become partially, if not fully, blind by the time they’re 40. I already know, like, 12 different people whose eyesight is starting to fade and they can often only see floating shapes of camel toes in their head.

Does that make you, happy? I thought so.

I knew you were up to no good, David Bowie’s Crotch.

There was a time where you captivated me like the rest, but I know better now. I’ve learned not to look you in the eye and to not recognize your presence and I’m going to share this knowledge with the world and one day, David Bowie’s Crotch, YOU WON’T MATTER.

Do you hear me?

You will become obsolete.

And we will all be free from your tyranny of lamè and the Battle of the Bulge will end.


( inspired by Gaston123 )

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  • Reply Cathy Benavides July 21, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Sheer brilliance!!! I too am enthralled by the crotch. But it's time to break free…..

  • Reply kimmie coco puff July 21, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    At the start of this article I've managed to spit out coffee, Hit my head on the desk while trying to make haste in my cleaning efforts, and even snort because I was laughing so hard i almost peed my pants. LOL!

  • Reply bsimms8907 July 21, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    This has officially become my favorite post ever!

  • Reply Mademoiselle Hautemess July 21, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    LABYRINTH!!! His crotch is bordering on OBSCENE in that movie…it is like he designed the costume just to allow for maximum balls exposure. I watched it recently and thought to myself, "How did I NOT notice that as a child…it's a real scene stealer!"

  • Reply Big Mark 243 July 21, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    … and I thought the panic was in Detroit… and here I learn the panic was in his pants…

  • Reply Brooke Farmer July 22, 2011 at 12:48 am

    I have to be honest and admit my childhood crush on LabyrinthEra David Bowie. And his crotch.

    That's all I've got. What else is there to say?

  • Reply Dr Blood July 22, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    I never even noticed it before. I was too busy looking at his teeth.

  • Reply SweetBiscuits July 24, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Maybe he is the male version of the monstrous feminine? At the very least, he is a bit of a grapefruit smuggler.

  • Reply David Bowie(himself) December 1, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    I personally think I look amazing in ALL of my costumes and I do not think it wrong to show off what I have gained from my parents… As my Goblins in the Labyrinth once said “wiggle in the middle then strut your nasty stuff.” I think myself to be quite the sex icon.

    • Reply hipstercrite December 2, 2011 at 10:14 pm

      you definitely are. 😉

  • Reply David Bowie(Himself) December 5, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Oh and my real name is actually David Jones… I don’t have to tell you why… My manager said “you will never make any money that way.”

  • Reply Lycanthromancer October 8, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    I think I can speak for gay men everywhere when I say: It’s okay to be gay for David Bowie’s crotch, whether you’re male, female, old, young, gay, straight, or other. Just accept it, embrace it, and let the gay flow through you. Worship it, if you feel the need. Erect a shrine, as is only proper.

    Transcendence will come, but only if you give yourself the release of opening up and giving it your all.

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