The day before I came across this thing:
I have never seen or heard of a plastic cup you stick in your va-jay-jay when you have your period. This new found fact blew my mind. I stood there scrutinizing the box over and over while my boyfriend completed both shopping and check-out and patiently waited for me by the front of the store. I sniffed out the container like a dog checking out another dog’s butt. Moon Cups come in two sizes- size A for pre-birth vaginas and size B for post-birth vaginas. Reading the difference between the two size cups instantaneously made my ovaries put up the “Sorry, We’re Closed” sign and shut the blinds.
Below the plastic “Moon Cup” on the grocery store shelf, neatly colored cloth maxi pads laid in a row. Some were polka dot and some had prints that looked like a Holiday Inn comforter or a Dad shirt from the 80’s. These also piqued my interest, though seemed less dangerous than the gigantic grail that one sticks in their cootch.
How had I never seen these womanly devices before? Though they actually make a little more sense than sticking a fiber glass-like tiny pillow in your vag, or replacing what looks like a shiny adult diaper in your underwear daily, I’m still not so sure I’ll switch over to these new, “eco-friendly” products. Or maybe I will just so I can write a blog post about it and lose all of my male followers.
Spotting these contraptions made me think about what other vagina-centric products are out there in the world. Come to find out, there are a lot, especially on Etsy, where people seem to really love the female parts.
One of my favorite finds is theuterus pillow made by user VulvaLoveLovely. Cause everyone love giagntic vaginas, right? When you are feeling sad about that boyfriend who just dumped you, put down that bottle of red wine and razor blade, and empower yourself with a fallopian cuddle buddy.
Though I can appreciate the beauty of the vag just as much as the next person, something about this wedding dress made me throw up in my mouth a little. THAT HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST VAGINA I’VE EVER SEEN! AND ON A WEDDING DRESS NO LESS! Is this supposed to be a warning to the groom that this is what he is in for? That he may accidentally fall into his bride’s cavernous vagina?
And along the same lines, this army jacket that look like someone ran up to the girl wearing it, sliced open her back with a knife, only to discover one gigantic poon hiding in there. Something about that back vag looks scary and hungry.
Why not honor the much loved camel toe in the form of a cookie? BECAUSE I WANT TO BE REMINDED OF MY CAMEL TOE WHEN I’M EATING!
May I present, The “Foetus Seat“. One blimp-sized bed womb for the adult who never wants to grow up, who was forced to experience a sad “expulsion from paradise”.
And last but not least, my favorite, Super Hero U! A very adorable, Clockwork Orange-esque plushie uterus. Hey, Evil-Doers, those are no Stretch Armstrong arms there, they’re Fallopian Tubes, and they shoot ovaries faster than a machine gun.
For related reading, “I’m a Beaver Beacon. A Large One” over at one of my favorite blogs Humans Are Funny.