While cataclysm of Waterworld-esque proportions keeps happening in other parts of the country, here in Austin, Texas we’ve been as bone dry as two teenagers humping after marching band practice. It’s also been a cool 104 degrees with a steady 90% humidity AT ALL TIMES. These two facts combined together make day-to-day living extremely difficult. Being from New York, my body can’t handle such zenith. Our bodies are predestined to be weak, capable of only handling such weather-related hardship as translucent skin and Eddie Bauer fashion. When my native New Yorker father visited me in Austin this weekend and ran across the molten blacktop barefooted, I saw his feet explode into an awesome ray of light while native Texans idly strolled by. I’m convinced that Texans are part of their own tribe, capable of withstanding extreme temperatures and skinning squirrels with their eyesight.
I am three years into living in Texas and I’m still sufficiently stunned when the summer approaches. I cry each year that the weather is as horrifying as last and I’m convinced that we are turning into the Twilight Zone episode where the Earth is moving closer to the Sun. I’m also pretty sure that we’re turning into that Twilight Zone episode where most of our neighbors are being controlled by aliens, but that is a discussion for a future post…
What I dislike most about Texas summers is the inability to dress fashionably. Summer dresses and floral patterns aren’t my bag. I grew up in the land where you layered yourself into an indistinguishable ball of wool; a Cousin It hobbling from house to work back to the house without ever showing more than your glazed over eyes and hot pink nose. Scarves, cardigans, and hats are what I feel most comfortable with, along with clothing colors named after root vegetables. We Northeasterners love to dress like French foreign exchange students.
Though thin, I’ve never been a skinny girl, so common Austin summer wardrobe such as florescent hot shorts, jumpers, and mini skirts are not preferred. I partook in a lot of sports as a child so my legs have more muscle-cum-loose-muscle than I care for. In fact, I’m having a sale on Lauren muscle, so if anyone needs some, I’m selling it for $5 a bundle. Feeling fashionable in Austin has been difficult and after trying on a bunch of 90’s flower dresses last night at a thrift store and becoming discouraged, I was very close to throwing in the towel and proclaiming my summer fashion as over-sized t-shirts and no pants.
But instead I decided to take this on as a challenge. To make sure I have summer fashion that is “a symbol of my individuality and belief in personal freedom.” I will find my Texas summer fashion and own it. Here are some tips I’m telling myself to keep on track…
1.) Incorporate a bathing suit into your dailywear– This is what they do at American Apparel and I understand why. I have the Nylon Tricot Hooded Swimsuit below and I’m thinking of just wearing it with jeans. Of course there is an excessive amount of side boob, but isn’t there a rule that in the summer that the side o’ boob can peak out? Also, people will think you’re a sassy Darth Maul when wearing this.
Also, I think one can get away with the American Apparel halter one-piece. I’m a favorite of this bathing suit. It has a Marilyn Monroe feel to it. Didn’t you know that Marilyn was a fan of the Amer Appy?
2.) Maxi dresses– I’ve decided that the only dresses I’m going to wear this summer are maxi dresses. They’re flattering for all body types, are typically nice and breezy, and can be very elegant. They’re sexy around the neckline and give the illusion that you’re much taller than you actually are. Yesterday I went and bought this dress made from the sweat of tiny hands at Forever 21.
3.) T-shirt dresses– Ok, I lied. I’m going to wear maxi dresses AND t-shirt dresses this summer. T-shirt dresses don’t sound sexy, but does THIS look sexy?
4.) Wear sunglasses that are more interesting than your face or anything that you’re wearing– I have a pair of sunglasses that I love. Strangers dig them, but my family and friends secretly want to sit on them and fart them into oblivion. If they did, I would beat them senseless. They are a little ridiculous, but they have a retro quality I like. Someone once said that my glasses make me look like a cross between Woody Allen and Grace Kelly. I’ll f’ing take that.