Last week we celebrated Rick Moranis
, who will always be an A++ in my book.
Today we will be featuring Jeff Goldblum.
Dr. Ian Malcolm.
Big Giant Horny Perpetually Tan Middle-Aged Awesome Man.
Who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum?
Tell me, because I will throw my Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park action figure at that person repeatedly until they concede.
What is there to say about Jeff Goldblum that hasn’t already been said?
He’s the Cary Grant of our time.
Ok, that’s a stretch.
He is the Cary Grant of our time if Cary Grant had been Jewish and really really popular at computer camp.
One thing that can not be denied though, is The Blum’s contribution to cinema:
The Big Chill, The Fly, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, Earth Girls Are Easy, Vibes, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, Igby Goes Down, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.
All classics! Jurassic Park would not have been the box success that it was without Goldblum’s sweaty, brooding portrayal as… himself. Ground-breaking special effect dinosaurs?! Fuck that! $340,000,000 of the $357,000,000 earned at the box office was from the secret society, “The Daughters of Jeff Goldblum”. You’ve just never heard about it.
I asked my friend, *Sullivan P. Rockfort (not his real name), his thoughts on The Blum’s gift to humanity.
Me: Hey Sullivan. Do you have a second?
Sullivan: Of course!
Me: What are your thoughts on Jeff Goldblum’s gift to humanity?
Sullivan: You know how I feel about…THAT man. I have traumatic memories associated with him.
Me: Oh really? Care to elaborate?
Sullivan: Well, I could go into an unsettling amount of detail here, but in the interest of keeping everyone’s breakfast down, I’ll keep it brief: I was having [love hugz] with a young lady and halfway through, in the throes of ecstasy, she says, “God! You’re so fucking hot. You look just like a young Jeff Goldblum!” My passionate [love hugz] came to a slow halt. “What?” I asked. “I said I’m so attracted to you because you look just like a young Jeff Goldblum.” I immediately extricated myself from the [love hug], gathered my things, and left without a word. Now it’s not that I have anything AGAINST Jeff Goldblum. It’s that I LOOK NOTHING LIKE JEFF FUCKING GOLDBLUM. I’m Colombian for crying out loud. I mean shit. I should be so lucky. So her calling to the fact that I resemble him, really just sent me into a shame spiral out of which there was no escape. I was ashamed of my non-Goldblumesque appearance…and damned if I was going to capitalize on one young woman’s poor eye sight.
I worked on a movie starring Jeff Goldblum.
We became set friends because I have a vagina.
I didn’t use my vagina with Jeff Goldblum, but The Blum, he can smell vagina from 100 feet away.
After a long day of shooting, The Blum walked up to me. I was overwhelmed with the giant bronzed Jewish God standing before me.
He was beautiful and he was touching me.
And touching me.
And, oh wait, he’s still touching me.
Ok, you can keep touching me, Jeff Goldblum.
I got lost in his deep brown eyes.
“I just love that little button on the end of your nose!” he said, caressing the tip of his finger on my, what I feel is a very large Jewish nose, much like The Blum’s
Maybe The Blum should have said, “Hey, you and I have similar Jewish noses. Let’s go get married.”
And I would have. I would have left with The Blum that very second.
“Oh Jeff, you make a girl feel like a hundred dollars. Oh wait, I mean a million dollars.”
And with that, The Blum smiled broadly and held me close. So close that I could feel his penis.
Really feel his penis.
…..What is your favorite Jeff Goldblum movie?