Writing

Excuse Me, Do You Know You Look Like a Mess?

“Can I tell you something?” A voice says from behind my right shoulder as I wait in line at Baja Fresh on Sunset Boulevard.

The rule in Los Angeles is if someone voluntarily talks to you and you have yet to make eye contact, it is a-okay to 100% ignore them.

“Miss?”

Maybe I can pretend that I’m deaf?
But then I would have to produce pretty convincing sign language once I get to the counter. Which I have no idea how to do. Unless I want to tell the cashier that I love him over and over I probably won’t be able to get away with it.

“Ma’am?”

Man, this guy has something really important to say to me. Chances are it’s going to be a.) someone claiming to be a “producer from “The Valley” who would “love it if I can stop by “his office” sometime and audition for the role of the “love interest” in a “feature film” he wrote/directed/starring in or b.) something about how God is going to kill everyone in Los Angeles because The Devil created Hollywood c.) a Stepford looking woman Scientologist offering to give me a “stress test”.
Those are the only people that stop you on Sunset Boulevard.

I turn around and smile.

“I can’t believe how much you look like Courtney Love,” he says. “It’s uncanny really. Oh, and I’m friends with her so I should know!”

My smile slowly fades and I turn back to face the register.

Realizing that the line did not go over well, he begins back-pedaling.

“No, I mean, like when she isn’t cracked out of her mind. When she was dating Edward Norton.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” I mumble.

“You know, right after she got the plastic surgery.”

I shoot daggers through him.

“I get it, man. Thanks a lot. You’ve ruined my day!”

The cashier motions that I am next.

“Do I look like Courtney Love to you?” I stammer out as I walk up to the cashier.

He thinks about it for a moment.

“No. But you know who you do look like? Sarah Jessica Parker.”

I collect my purse.

“You know who you look like? Someone who is surprised that I’m about to tell them to shut the hell up and walk out of this joint.”

___________________________________

I get told I look like famous people a lot. I’m told that I look like Scarlett Johansson all the time.
By my mother.
Once, in high school, I was told that I look like Elizabeth Hurely. I’m not sure why. If there was any time in my life that I DID not look like Elizabeth Hurley (and more like Anne Ramsey), it was high school.
I once was told I could look like Zooey Deschanel if I changed everything about my face.

But I get told I look like butt ass ugly aesthetically questionable celebrities the most.

For example, the person I most hear? Sarah Jessica Parker.
Fingers, toes, and leg hairs can’t count how many times I’ve been told I look like her. I’ve been told by actors, friends, strangers, doctors, you name it! If you really want to put me in a bad mood, tell me I look like SJP. TELL ME!

Of all people on this God forsaken planet.

Maybe is she had a somewhat interesting filmography, I could get behind it. Maybe if she wasn’t married to a man more bloated than Alec Baldwin and a dead fish combined. Maybe if she didn’t play one of the most obnoxious television personas in contemporary television that made me regret ever being born with a vagina, I could say, “Hey, yeah, SJP, she seems like an interesting chick, that’s cool that I look like her.” I’ve heard she’s really nice and she seems very hard-working, I’m just not a fan.

I’m pretty sure if you gave me a time machine at five years of age, told me to go into the future and pick THE ONE person I’d least likely want to be told I look like, it would be Sarah Jessica Parker.

I’d take Courtney Love over SJP any day. At least you know she’s got some street cred. You wouldn’t want to run into her in a dark alley.

Sigh…

I think I’m going to go call my mother.

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54 Comments

  • Reply That Gal Kiki January 18, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    You look like you — and that's just fabulous.

  • Reply Colleen January 18, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I don't know that i've ever commented on your blog before, but Ive been a follower and you are hilarious- and true almost all of the time!
    One time I was told I looked like Mena Suvari, I was not pleased.

    Keep it up Hipstercrite!

  • Reply Austin Eavesdropper January 18, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Oh, Lauren. You are too pretty and lovely-looking. I am ALSO one who shares the Sarah Jessica-Parker comparison, if it makes you feel better. ๐Ÿ™‚ (But I am one of the rare minority who likes her unusual face).

    Um. Someone once told me I looked like BETTE MIDLER. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reply IT January 18, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Once I got told that I look like Elizabeth Hurely in high school

    What did she look like in high school?

  • Reply IT January 18, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    BTW – I've been told I look like Walter Brennan

  • Reply Cassie January 18, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    i think you look a little like alanis morrisette, but much more like you. i've been told that i look like alexis bledel, keira knightly, and this one substitute teacher that i had in 10th grade…that was basically an insult ๐Ÿ™ now i just don't give a crap what people think i look like! we're all beautiful in our own ways.

  • Reply EcoGrrl January 18, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    being compared to several beautiful women, whether you like them or not, whether they said it perfectly, then complain? i guess i'm a little confused. they could have said you looked like their auntie mildred, or dennis quaid, or…?

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 18, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    @kik- hahaha…thanks!

    @colleen- thanks! i really appreciate your comment! see, now i think mena suvari is very pretty. but it's all relative.

    @austin eavesdropper- hahaha…thanks, tolly! i've over exaggerating on disliking sjp that much it's just of all people, i wish i didn't get her the most. hahaha, bette midler? i can't imagine why!!!

    @it- i wish I was told i look like walter brennan

    @cassie- that's funny you should say that because alanis is the other person i get the most. i just didn't get into it. when i'm blond it's sjp, when it's brunette it's alanis.

    @ecogrrl- good point but this post is mostly in jest. however, can't say that courtney is beautiful. she is a mess. i feel bad for her.

  • Reply Suburban Sweetheart January 18, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Next time I see SJP, I'll tell her she looks like Hipstercrite & see how SHE likes it. Except SHE should be flattered.

    Right?
    Right.

    No one has ever told me I look like a celebrity. Except when I was 13, when someone told me I looked like Alex Mack. Hopefully not in puddle form.

  • Reply Jill January 18, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    It's annoying when people try to figure out who you "look like."
    Whenever I go to family things on my dad's side, everyone says I look like my one cousin. It's a coincidence that I found this post because I was just thinking about writing one about how everyone always thinks I'm much younger than I am. ๐Ÿ˜€

  • Reply Elle January 18, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    This may make you feel a bit better — I have been getting Britney Spears since junior high. Junior high! I am now 22, and whenever I recieve this "compliment" I end up calling my mother as well (she goes with the "you look like Scarlett" route too). Thank goodness for kind mothers who know exactly what their daughters want (need) to hear.

  • Reply vegkat January 18, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Ugh! I get famous people comparisons ALL THE TIME. I've had the ol' Courtney Love pulled on me, along with Glen Close (wtf?!?), Gwenyth Paltrow (constantly), Lisa Loeb (only because I wear glasses), and a handful of others. People also tell me I look like people I will NEVER meet. "You look like my old gym teacher." or "You look like my sister. Well, she's dead now, but you look like her when she was alive. Hey, honey! Come over here! Doesn't she look *just like* Shirley?!?" If people want to compliment us, try telling us we look nice, not that we look like some actor we may or may not be fans of!

  • Reply Chris Trew January 18, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    I hear people constantly tell Jared Leto that he looks like Chris Trew.

  • Reply Jennifer January 18, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Oh, the things that make each day more interesting than the last. I've only ever been told that I look like Sarah McLachlan, which I don't but kinda-sorta wish I did. The other person was Picabo Street, who I still can't seem to find a current photo of anywhere on the Interweb. So, either a Canadian singer or a husky Olympic skier.

    Awkward.

    Anyway, keep up the good (and very entertaining) writing.

  • Reply Sophie Neutron January 18, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Theres nothing worse than being compared to other people.
    I was told I look like Michael Jackson the other day. Probably because I was wearing mens trousers, a white top and suspenders with a trillby on my head. (is that asking for it?)My MJ obsessed friend was a little jealous though!
    I wouldn't say you look like SJP. Maybe you could pass as her pretty, little sister. Sort of the same way as people say I look like my brothers. Kinda true, but not really.
    I look exactly like me. The same way you look so much like you.

  • Reply That Gal Kiki January 18, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    PS: I have been told Carly Simon and Pat Benetar before. I guess my big mouth gives me away. I try to take Carly Simon as a compliment… but it's not easy. You are probably too young to know thse women… Google Images will show you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Reply Grant January 18, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    At the risk of offending everyone and starting a race riot I would just like to say this.

    When used in the proper context the N-Word can be used as a term of endearment. When used the wrong way it can cause all kinds of bad things to happen. Only certain people are allowed to use the word while some believe none should use it ever.

    When people draw comparisons to look-a-likes what matters is the context in which they use the word.

    "Damn girl you got a big ass Jew nose like Sarah Jessica Parker."

    vs.

    "You have the most amazing legs just like Sarah Jessica Parker."

    I for one think that SJP is absolutely gorgeous and think you should feel flattered. I can see how it would get old however. Being told that you are beautiful can be such a drag.

    I feel your pain. I most recently have been compared to this guy.

    http://www.littleurl.net/25d26c

  • Reply Ms. P January 18, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    I LOVE SJP's look! Not so commercial, but still awesome. You are lucky if you do indeed resemble her!

    As for mentioning Ms. Love – name-dropping is so cringeworthy, but the fact that someone name dropped that mess kinda made my day. Awesome.

  • Reply Eva O'Dell January 18, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    That's a bummer. I don't tell people they look like anyone. They look like themselves.

  • Reply Jennifer January 18, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    @Eva Word.

  • Reply M January 18, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    This made me lolz.

    I've been told I look like Kate Bosworth and Sandra Bullock, and also that I have Scarlett Johansson's body type.

    All these are obviously compliments, but still I would rather be told I look like myself.

  • Reply WILDasaMINK January 18, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Can't stop laughing about the "more bloated than Alec Baldwin" line…sooooooooo true!
    Ok, so SJP does suck-in fact I refer to her as "Sarah Jessica Horseface"….on that note, I will say my image of you is nothing like her!
    The last time she was cool (and this is even stretching it by even saying she was "cool" at one point) was "Honeymoon in Vegas" and thats only because she was a nobody back then, shit, she's still a nobody in my book.
    At least you have your mom to call you Scarlet–she's a much better choice.
    Now you should go punch your fist thru someone's face.

  • Reply AURORA MEGAN January 18, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    The part about Alec Baldwin and a dead fish is brilliant.
    I always get told that I look like Katherine Heigl. I don't see it. At all.

  • Reply Adrienne Hadaway January 18, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Ever since the movie "Orphan" came out, I've been told by COUNTLESS people that I look "just like the mom." If being 25 and told you look like a mom isn't bad enough, it would of course have to be a mom from a horror movie. So I wouldn't feel too bad. Why do people even bother to open their mouths sometimes, huh?

  • Reply Rosie January 18, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    I get compared SJP alot too. Love your blog.

  • Reply Ashley @ Germato.com January 18, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    It never really clicks with me to tell anyone they look like someone else. Either I don't notice, or I don't care. If I like something about their look, say their hair is different, I comment. But never compare.

    Oh, and? I'm so jealous. I miss Hollywood so much.

  • Reply inflammatory writ January 18, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    I think SJP is pretty awesome and very pretty (in her weird, unconventional way), but that's me.

    I get that I look like Drew Barrymore a lot. I don't see it.

  • Reply rae January 18, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    WTF is up with all these "me too!" comments? I don't think I've ever been told I look like ANYBODY.

    Also, I agree with you on SJP. Blech to the blech.

  • Reply mai January 18, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    hey, i guess it's better than..

    "Hey, you look like [insert name of every token asian person there is]."

    "Oh haiii, oh sorry, you looked like the asian girl I dated in college once."

    Oh you're asian? You wear glasses? You listen to indie music? You're just like Lane on Gilmore Girls!

  • Reply That Chelsea Girlโ„ข January 18, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Girl, don't listen to that shmuck. You're gorgeous.
    I really don't like it when I am told I look like someone famous either. I think that it's kinda rude because people act as if I'm supposed to then emulate them or something. I get Marilyn Monroe a lot because I have a figure-8 body type, and it's like "geez, you're comparing me to someone who OD'd and who is impersonated by tons of people on purpose. Thanks, are you trying to say I look like Anna Nicole?" Scar-Jo is also another one for me as well.
    If someone is trying to give you a compliment, wouldn't it be much easier for them to spit it out and say "you're beautiful"?
    Guess that's asking a bit too much, though that's also kind of creepy. Hmmm.

  • Reply Wilde.Dash January 18, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    My entire life is pretty much a series of celebrity comparisons. Unfortunately, most are anything but flattering and many are completely out of left field. I've heard everything. I get Tina Fey the most, mostly because i'm snarky with dark hair and glasses. But i've heard stuff like Project Runway's (male) Christian Siriano and "a young Vanessa Redgrave" and Avril Lavigne. Chelsea Handler was the one that i think insulted me the most.

  • Reply Wendybob January 18, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    I was told a few years ago that I looked "JUST LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS…OMG HONEY, COME LOOK AT THIS GIRL SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE BRITNEY!!"

    I barely resisted the urge to wallop him, in which case I might or might not have ended up looking like some celebrity's mugshot.

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland January 18, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Holy shit. That sounds like a really bad day. Personally, I don't really see the SJP connection. Maybe their vision is obscured by bat sonar or something.

  • Reply Ellie January 18, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    There is nothing worse…

  • Reply Chantale January 18, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I think SJP is pretty, unfortunately I don't think she's aging well… she's looking more and more witchy as she gets older. But keep in mind, most people think they're complimenting you!

  • Reply Langley January 18, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    I can tell you that you look beautiful.

    And that's it.

  • Reply Libby January 18, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    I always enjoy reading your blog, this one is by far the most hipstercritical to date! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Reply Randall January 19, 2010 at 2:02 am

    I was compared to Joey Ramone once. It's true what they say about rock bottom.

  • Reply Amanda West January 19, 2010 at 2:02 am

    Haha! Funny post.

    But being you is beautiful.

    I got told a couple times back in high school that I looked like Nikki Hilton. And I was horrified.

    Then a few years later someone told me I looked like Jessica Beil… And I was just thinking that, that it really wasn't that much of an improvement.

    Oh well. Some people…

  • Reply Just me.... January 19, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Too funny – your post and the comments!!

    There used to be a show on HGTV about people going on dates. This guy tells the girl that she looks like Celine Dion – of course thinking it was a compliment (God knows why, she's a troll). Well she walloped him!!! Lauren, you showed remarkable restraint! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lots of lol here…

    for the record… you're stunning and you look like you.

  • Reply Hannah Miet January 19, 2010 at 4:05 am

    You look like a hot celebrity. Trying to place it…

    Oh right. Lauren M. She is yet to be completely discovered, but she is talented and fucking hot.

    I hate what sjp hath wroth more than sjp herself. When I say I am writing a book narrated only through sex scenes and set in new York…I do not intend on calling anyone 'mr.big.''

  • Reply Rusty Hoe January 19, 2010 at 5:12 am

    I delude myself that I look like Heidi Klum in her brunette days but truth be told I'm probably closer to Susan Boyle and Stephen Kings love child. But hey they're celebrities right??

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 19, 2010 at 5:22 am

    @Suburban Sweetheart- Wow. Alex Mack. That brings back memories. Except I can't remember what she looks like. I'll have to go check.

    @Jill- You should write that post.

    @Elle- Love it! Where would we be without our Mamas?

    @Vegkat- HAHAHAHA…What an interesting mix of people. Especially that Shirley.

    @Chris Trew- That's funny. I was going to tell you the other night how much you look like Conan.

    @Jennifer- Thank you! Now I have to go look up Picabo. I love that name.

    @Sophie- That sounds like an outfit I'd wear. Pictures?

    @Kiki- Tsk tsk. I already scolded you on Twitter. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    @Grant- Who is that man?

    @Ms. P- I'm trying to get excited about SJP. I'm trying…

    @Eva- Amen.

    @M- Those are all very lovely ladies to be compared to. A wonderful combo. But yes, I agree about us being us.

  • Reply tattytiara January 19, 2010 at 6:12 am

    My friends' son used to insist I was – not think I was, actually insist that I actually was – Liv Tyler. Damn right it broke my heart when he grew out of it.

    Never mind that he was equally convinced a girl in his class actually was Sailor Moon. I'm still taking it as a compliment.

  • Reply Brittany January 19, 2010 at 7:03 am

    i never get a celebrity comparison. *sigh*
    but i do get some of the weirdest nationalities. people can never figure out what i am. what's wrong with just a good ol' fashion human being?!

  • Reply Nathanael Rey January 19, 2010 at 7:32 am

    oh man you know you I think YOU look like!!!!

    You.

  • Reply Nathanael Rey January 19, 2010 at 7:33 am

    but rele, you have a very unique look about you….

    but not like carrot top unique. like the beautiful, smart, popular, girl who actually has a great personality so you really can't hate her type of girl.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 19, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    @WildasaMink- HAHAHAHA….I thought SJP was cute when she was younger. I liked her in Square Pegs and L.A. Story. Even though she's aged well, it's just not my cup of tea.

    @Aurora Megan- But Katherine Heigl is a beaut!

    @Adrienne- Now I have to look up this Mom character in "Orphan"

    @Rosie- We should start a SJP lookalike club!

    @Ashley- I miss L.A. too. This happened last year. Sometimes I like to pretend that I still live there (but now I'm in Austin, TX which is TEN TIMES better)

    @Inflammatory Writ- I would love to be told that I love like Drew Barrymore. She's just as beautiful onscreen as in person.

    @Rae- You're lucky

    @Mai- HHAHAHAHAHA…oh man. I'm sorry.

    @Chelsea- Wow! Marilyn Monroe! Of course, now you have to take a pic of yourself as Marilyn for your blog.

    @Wilde.Dash- What an interesting mix. I had a friend who was fair, red-headed, tall, and pretty who got compared to Alice Cooper TWICE. I'm not sure how. She didn't even wear that much make-up!

    @WendyBob- Will you please write a story about that?

  • Reply Jenn January 19, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    She has totally awesome shoes. I would kill for her shoes. So here's the plan. You go to set pretending to be her and then steal her shoes, sign some autographs and get the VIP treatment. I'll take the shoes and…wait this is really just about me now, isn't it?

  • Reply Holly January 19, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    At least you don't get Barbara Streisand. I've gotten that one a few times. It's always like, "You… look like someone… hmmm… Barbara Streisand… Oh! But like when she was young, like in _What's Up Doc?_"

    Yeah-hh.

    =h=

  • Reply Amber January 19, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    I was once told that I look like Gonzo (of the Muppets). Then a bunch of other people stood around staring at me real straight-faced and said, "Yeah, I can see that."

    SJP wishes she looked like you. I'm serious. I read her blog yesterday.

  • Reply Julie, The Wife January 20, 2010 at 2:39 am

    When I was a teen I was told I looked like Laverne – yeah, that's right, Penny Friggin' Marshall. When I was a teenager! Like that didn't give me issues.

    I think you look unrecognizably fab.

  • Reply holly wynne February 22, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    I, too, think you're beautiful and I love your blog. I think you look more like Liz Phair than any of the other ones mentioned, but from what I can tell, you're prettier than all of the above.

    I've gotten Kate Winslet and, more often, Claire Danes. The odd quandry that puts me in is that I outweigh the latter by literally about 100 pounds, so as much of a compliment as it is, it brings the inevitable unfavorable comparison.

    Still, it's better than Drew Carey, who my little sister always told me I looked like when we were kids. It's probably best not to dwell too heavily on any comparison :).

  • Reply Me September 21, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Barbra Streisand! I can go years without hearing it, but nothing ruins my day more. It is not a compliment.

    I was once on a date and he guy told me I looked like Barbra. Immediate turnoff. Just as well could have said, “Boy, you’re homely!”

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