To Serve Man

This is what happens when you’re in a bad mood, stressed, and have writer’s block.

I declared this week “What is Love?” week on my blog, which was really a dumb ass idea. Since I obviously have no idea what love is, I can’t really talk about it then, can I? Huh? HUH?

There are only so many posts (one, really) where I can a.) talk about how I’ve never been in love and b.) realize that I have no idea what the hell love is.
This really makes me want to write a post about how I’m going to turn into “that woman”. You know, the one that you see in the supermarket with dream catcher earrings, talking really loud to herself, then directing questions to passersby, laughing hysterically before the passersby even finishe a sympathetic answer, loading up the cart with 25 cans of Chicken Corn Chowder soup which she will eat at home alone later that evening while watching a Monk marathon.

But then I realized I’ve already written that post. About four times now.

Am I really that boring?
That I not only have no idea what love is, I also have nothing to write about?
Great. So now, this leaves me sitting here in my underwear, with a tumbler of Jameson, the Tivo on pause for the last 30 minutes while I not only contemplate writing, I’m contemplate my whole existence.

Oh, I know!

Maybe I’ll text a couple of ex-boyfriends and see if that does anything. I’ll be right back and keep you updated….
So needless to say, I AM that boring. The only texting I did, was send my recent ex who I still talk to every day, a photo of my reflection in the bathtub metal nobby thing (what the hell is it called?) because I looked retarded in it. Then I went to bed at 10:30PM.
I was going to put the picture up cause it’s PG, but I look like the bad dude in that Twilight Zone episode, “To Serve Man”. You know, the one where these aliens come to Earth acting all nice and E.T.-like, telling everyone to move to their paradise-like planet, but what they really want to do is use their cookbooks called “To Serve Man”. Yep, you got it. They are going to eat YOU and that just freaks me out way too much.
Imagine this dude looking back at you in the tub. IMAGINE IT!
F it.
Here it is.
I look like I’m secretly tricking you into moving to my planet so I can eat you later on.
That smug grin…

Happy that “What is Love?” week is officially over. I obviously can’t handle it.
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  • Reply Angie January 15, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Great photo! I can't believe the reflection was good enough for you to take a picture!

  • Reply Apryl January 15, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Well, your "What is Love" week inspired (along with a tragedy) my blog today and I shouted you out.

    So all is not lost.

    (and for record, you didn't have sweet popped collar like Twilight Zone alien, so I think you're safe)


  • Reply Amanda January 15, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    nor do you have a bulbous brain. always a plus.

  • Reply That Gal Kiki January 15, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Oh, darlin… you CAN handle it! I get stuck too, especially when my brain is in overload with much to say, but I don't seem to have the words. Writing this post is a fantastic way to keep the wheels in motion. Step away from the subject. It will find you when it's meant to and your fingers will flow.


  • Reply Ivan Toblog (aka IT) January 15, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Well, so much for coming over and expecting to find the recipe… honest that's the first thing that popped (almost wrote pooped) into my mind.

  • Reply Ivan Toblog (aka IT) January 15, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Well, so much for coming over and expecting to find the recipe… honest that's the first thing that popped (almost wrote pooped) into my mind.

  • Reply Colleen January 15, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    From reading just this one post,I cant tell, YOU ARE SOOOO NOT BORING!

    You're hilarious! and you kind of remind me of myself. Especially the Twilight Zone bit.

  • Reply Christopher January 15, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    I have to say I'm officially creeped out. Nice job!

  • Reply Ms. P January 15, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    haha LOVE this blog! You are too funny…

    also, I often resort to texting exes after pondering love/my existence. to no avail.

  • Reply M January 15, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Fiiiiirst of all, you do not look like an alien. You look cute and bathtubby.

    Secondly, even those of us who have been in love still ponder what love really is.

    Thirdly, it's not as easy as "love is ___________." I personally believe that love comes in countless colors and forms. It doesn't fit into a box and it's often not as easy as "I love you" or "I don't love you." There are lots of in-between loves that encompass a number of different relationship types.

    I personally think that very few people – at least in my experience – understand this about love, or believe it to be true. My ex-boyfriend is VERY black/white about love*, and that's why we're no longer together.

    *See: different Planes of Happiness

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland January 15, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Thanks to you, I'll probably never be able to take a bath again. I'll live my whole life as that smelly girl… Thanks. 🙂 Lol.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 15, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    @Angie- Haha….it's those small, child-like things that keep us entertained.

    @Apryl- Thanks for the shout out today!

    @Amanda- I almost wish I had a bulbous brain. That's means I'd be really really smart.

    @Kiki- You're right. I think this weekend I'm just going to step away for a bit. Cool off.

    @Ivan- I thought about writing a recipe for you, but I figured it would be too graphic!

    @Colleen- Thanks for that!

    @Christopher- Yeah, so am I

    @Ms. P- It's a bad habit I get into…;)

    @M- I'm envious of the way you CAN write about love.

    @Christina- That's ok. I'll join you in being the smelly girl!

  • Reply Just me.... January 15, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    You are far too hard on yourself… neither boring nor creepy nor ugly…

    I'm glad you're here.


  • Reply Rebecca January 15, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    First of all, I love that you sit on the floor in underwear nursing Jameson when you've got writers block. I do the same thing (with my ipod paused instead of TiVo), but with vodka. Because I can't afford Jameson. 🙁

    I couldn't do a week on love either… my lack of love is the reason I can't finish my novel either, so I hear ya.

  • Reply Allie January 16, 2010 at 12:35 am

    You're great. And not boring at all. The picture was hilarious! About love: it's good that you don't know what it is- you don't have to deal with the stresses of being in it!

  • Reply M January 16, 2010 at 1:45 am

    PS, love the new blog header!!

  • Reply A.J. Bingham January 16, 2010 at 4:43 am

    Eh, you need more frontal lobe. Try taking ginkgo balboa. I should try theme weeks.

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ January 16, 2010 at 5:40 am

    "To Serve Man" is probably in my top three of favorite Twilight Zone epis. Good luck with the writer's block!

  • Reply Libby January 16, 2010 at 5:43 am

    While waiting at a bar for my friends to get here, I'm reading your blog. The crep of a girl in the corner with a blackberry glow. But like mama said you just can't herie love, you just have to wait.

  • Reply Just me.... January 16, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Lauren.. the pic of you at the top of your blog…. awesome! Love love love the dress!

    Keep it up!

  • Reply Langley January 16, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Instead of trying to define and say what love is say what you would love love to be.

    All you need is love. And whiskey.

  • Reply Em January 16, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Ah, not boring at all.

    And, Good Gad, who gets love anyway? Certainly not me.

  • Reply Austin Eavesdropper January 16, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    Ohh ohh. I just want you to know that I am LOVING this new blog header! Yesssss

    Now. On the subject of love. (<–say in British accent) No, seriously, here is the overly simplistic way I think about love:

    Attraction (the lusty kind) + I respect them + they are my buddy + we can work through problems + our worldviews are fairly similar (i.e., I'm watching Daily Show in one room, he's watching Glenn Beck in another) = BEGINNING of love

    And, anything after that is on me. Love is an action verb in my eyes, I guess.

    That was probably a very convoluted explanation but I hope it made sense. I also think love is a timing thing. You can want to jump someone's bones anytime, but being in a place in your life when you're ready to love (in the verb way) is much more specific.

    My $0.02!

  • Reply Austin Eavesdropper January 16, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Haha. Just want to clarify that me watching Daily Show in one room while he watches Glenn Beck in another would be an example of us NOT sharing similar worldviews. 🙂 I made it sound like pretty much the opposite in the comment above.

    I am smrt.

  • Reply Barbara January 16, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I love the photo! I don't think anyone can answer the "What is love?" question.

  • Reply IT January 17, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Graphics I can understand. It's the words that escape me… literally… like farts.

  • Reply Big Mark 243 October 2, 2010 at 12:11 am

    You know the cat in the picture is the actor who portrayed the Jaws character in the 80's James Bond movies.

    I missed 'what is love' week. You know, even though it got middling reviews, I liked 'Down With Love'…

    One of the reasons that I am 'excavatin' and educatin'' this particular entry, is that I am having a certain kind of Friday night and seeing this line on your blog attracted me.

    Hope you are out and in the world and not sitting around like I am (though for me, sitting around is NOT that bad!!)

  • Reply Dennis June 25, 2016 at 4:52 am

    No need to even ask the question “what is love” because you’ll know when you find it. The one you can share EVERYTHING with, the one that you can make passionate love to and it’s just as amazing as when you first met, and the one you have been through everything with and stuck by their side is the one you’re meant to be with and the one you not only love but the one you are IN LOVE WITH. You can love many things, but being IN LOVE with someone is much different. Plus, well my woman is spoiled now. No other man could please her since I give her an orgasm every time. She is now sooo spoiled and expects it. Gawd what have I done!? lol, Nah, I’m happy that she’s happy!

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