Writers With Boobies

funny enough, this writer has no boobies

I’m one of those assholes that has four million dude friends, and like, two friends that can confidently say they have vaginas.

Ever since I was a young’en, I naturally gravitated towards the male gender (I always fancied myself as Annie Hall talking to her psychiatrist about penis envy). I typically listen to male vocalists- David Byrne, David Bowie, Danny Elfman (I love me some men with “D” names). I read books by males- David Sedaris, Chuck Klosterman, and Bret Easton Ellis (ugh…can I get anymore disgustingly hipster?) and my favorite performers are Crispin Glover, Paul Reubens, and Gene Wilder (all whom at one point or another I had mad crushes on).

So it comes as a great and wonderful surprise that my favorite blogs are run by the most incredible people out there without penises!
If you’re one of those folks that enjoys reading blogs (when you should really be working, jackass! i see you!!!), but can never figure out where to find them, well look no further! After reading these blogs, you’ll never want to read another blog again.

The ladies behind these blogs are not only smart, witty, and beautiful (Polly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of you, but I’m sure you’re smokin’ too!), but fearless in their writing. They are writing machines, pumping out quality work almost daily and never, EVER, afraid to throw around words like “vaginas” and “penises” (that will be the fifth time I’ve used either word in my post).


Ok, that’s six.

Now, I’m really bad at writing summaries, synopsis, critiques, and reviews. I’m surprised I ever made it through college, really. My descriptions of objects that I enjoy ultimately turn into mono-syllabic exclamations of happiness via a 13 year-old girl, “OMG! LOVE THIS BLOG! HAVE TO READ! XOXO!” (Actually, I’ve never written anything like that in my life. I’d hang myself and pull a David Carradine before you ever caught me saying that). You get the point though. I’m not good at description. I like keeping my words short and simple. Therefore if I ever write a book, it will be roughly one page long.

So you’re going to just have to trust me on these blogs. The best I can give you tonight are free association haiku descriptions.

My Soul is a Butterfly-

Beautiful Jewess, Dorothy Parker Reincarnated
Walks the Streets of Chelsea
With a Notebook in One Hand
And a Scotch/Cigarillo/Kolache in the other
(Fuck, I SUCK at haikus. That didn’t even make any sense? I just implied that Hannah is a smoking alcoholic who stuffs pastries in her mouth while walking down the sidewalk)

The Hitch List-
Mysterious Heart
Standing On The Shorelines of Twenty-Somethingness
Spewing Words of Loveliness
I’m Pulling Shit Out Of My Ass
(I’m sorry, Polly)

Beautiful and Bold
Witty and Wise
My Inspiration That Munching Carpet
Is The Only Way to Go
(That was kind of like a real haiku, right? RIGHT?)

In The Mountains of Montana
Stands A Girl Of Enormous Wit
Actually She Stands There Every Day
And Passerbys Are Like, “Hey, Why Is That Cute, Funny Girl Standing In The Mountains All The Time?”
(I give up.)

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  • Reply Polly Syllabick October 16, 2009 at 6:08 am

    I can't stop laughing. Holy hell. Seriously, this is hilarious. You may not make it as a haiku poet though. Dirty limericks! Can we do dirty Limericks next time??!

  • Reply erin October 16, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    I've never heard anyone profess their like for Crispin Glover other than me.


    I wanted to name Maxine 'Crispin' soooo bad. I think it's the best name.

    My critics prevailed, however, and in retaliation I named her Maxine Jane, which no one liked either, but was better than 'Crispin'?

  • Reply Hannah Miet October 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Dorothy Parker? I couldn't anticipate that compliment if I tried, but it made my day.

    And I am an semi-alcoholic who occasionally smokes and stuffs pastries in my mouth while walking down the street. Brilliant haiku. Right on point.

    My friends scale tips more to the guy side too, even though I write about my female friends more often.

    You're the greatest.

  • Reply Hannah Miet October 16, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Ha, it shows that I changed "alcoholic" to "semi-alcoholic" because I forgot to correct my "an."

    Maybe that's telling.



    Ok, I'm done.

    (P.s. You're still the greatest.)

  • Reply Badass Geek October 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Danny Elfman is my hero.

  • Reply Carol October 16, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    I love the girl in Montana piece. It really speaks to me as I am from Montana, plus I think I might actually know her. I'm pretty sure she drives a red Subaru and used to date this guy named Doug.

  • Reply Organic Meatbag October 16, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    I have a penis and I enjoyed this post! Hooray! And Crispin Glover is 14 shades of awesome….creepy mutherfucker…hahaha!

  • Reply Heather October 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    YAYYY! Ashley (Lesbifriends) is one of my friends in real life and she's amazing and I love her!

  • Reply Hipstercrite October 16, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Polly- fuck yeah, dirty limericks sound perfect…maybe for the next post?

    Erin- yep, i love crispin too! i met him once. weird as shit. not sure why that surprised me. crispin is a good name though.

    Hannah-honestly, i wish i had your life

    Badass- elfman is my hero too. i dressed up as him once. nobody could tell though. he's my man.

    Carol- everyone from montana is the shit. i still want to visit sometime.

    Meatbag- ever see crispin's movie "what is it?"

    Heather- ashley is one of my favorite writers. i think her posts are amazing and she's amazing.

  • Reply Angie October 16, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Have you heard about Mr. Crispin's newest role? 😉


  • Reply mysterg October 16, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    A Hipster, boobies, Haikus, Hannah and Allie…theese are a few of my favourite things!

  • Reply WILDasaMINK October 18, 2009 at 1:18 am

    I cannot stop laughing, this entry has me smitten w/your blog. I too have an overabundance of dude friends–probably like 3 vagina friends, and 2 of them live 8+hours away from me 🙁 baaah!
    Funny though, my male friends are obsessed with Crispin.
    You're a fun girl for sure….ummm there goes my lack of descriptive abilities; sadly I've caught myself on occasion typing words like, "OMG, Love your blog!", mostly because I'm too lazy to write much more than that. Regardless of what we write, or lack of, I enjoy your blog greatly, and am adding you to my "Fave Reads" section.

  • Reply Miss Mariposa October 19, 2009 at 1:35 am

    ha… i have a vagina.. well i think the last time i checked i did.

  • Reply ash.lin. October 19, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    im not even gonna lie- i geeked out about this for a solid 20 mins. called my gf and had to tell her the good news.

    'munching carpet is the only way to go' maybe im being a bit over zealous, but that sounds almost biblical to me.

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